Phil: Don't make me pull a Steven Seagal on you!
Carl: Oh yeah, well I'll just....uurrghh!!!!
Phil: That's what I thought. Hi-yah!
Every movie is made with his character having the name "John", "Jack", or "Casey". In order to write a plot for a Seagal movie, all you must do is have him a) be a cop, b) a mercenary or c) an ex-serviceman. Then Seagal must either save a sub, a town, a nuclear warhead, the environment, or all of the above. He must do battle with Columbian druglords, terrorists, or environmental evildoers. Then Seagal ultimately saves the day, and ends the movie with a snazzy one-liner. While the credits are rolling, you could have him strumming one of his guitars, and singing a jaunty little number.
I am Steven Seagal...someone has to take out the garbage.
I tried it with my girlfriend, she said "mission accomplished, all the way in".
Retard> that guy is a shitty actor and his movies su-
Steven Seagal> -appears out of nowhere and swiftfully executes a flawless move, paralyzing the un-wise one from the back down-
Me> thanks, steven
Steven Seagal> no problemo -dissapears-
Most of his movies include the following:
-the token black guy
-the token hispanic
-the token hot girl
-copious amounts of foreshadowing
<fan#2>: Was that the one where the Arabs hijack the plane?
<fan#1>: No, that was "Executive Decision." In "Under Seige," a battle-ship is hijacked by homicidal Hippies.
<fan#2>: Why do we like Steven Seagal again?
Person 2: "That's because I am Steven Seagal." (Breaks Person 1's Neck)
In his pornos he was most notoriously known for ponytail penetration. That is, he stuck his ponytail in some poontang. He inspired 2girls1cup with his 80's feature 2girls1ponytail. Many of his other scenes show him in the background beating off to 3 orgies: girl/girl, guy/girl, guy/guy. His most famous pornos are "Aikido in a Speedo" and "Out for an Orgy". In the former he is seen dancing around with pigtails wearing a pink speedo in front of many Japanese girls. He got banned from the porno industry for snapping the necks of too many co-stars. Seagal also forgets to wipe after he takes a dump. He just uses the residue as a quick source of hair gel. His action movie career was most impressive. He does an excellent job as the antagonist in Kindergarten Cop and he also plays as that one convict in ConAir. He's the convict with the ponytail who is burned by Cyrus The Virus for stealing his plane. It's false to say he is fat because he was absolutely RIPPED in out for a kill.
Because Steven Seagal did porn in the 80's...
His movie career began with "Above the Law" in 1987, and throughout the 90s he starred in several more mainstream action movies. His career came to a doom in the early 00s, where in 2002 he made his last released-to-theaters movie "Half Past Dead" with rapper Ja Rule.
Through recent years, he's been making crap Direct-to-DVD movies, sometimes making up to four or five movies a year. 2010 saw the return of Seagal to the big screen...for Machete, in which he's the villain. Oh and he dies.
His movies are known for:
*His character either is out for revenge or has to rescue someone.
*The fight scenes have quick cuts, lots of obvious doubles, unnecessary close ups and the camera spinning around rapidly trying to fool audiences into thinking Seagal is actually hitting someone.
*Seagal requires a stunt double to walk.
*He can take someone's gun by barely raising his hand.
*He will say some stupid cliche line before beating the shit out of someone.
*His movie's plots are always "SERIOUS" dark and gritty
Marshall: Didn't that guy die from eating too many McDonald's?