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Spaceship Jesus controls everything! Created with a gathering of theories based on Christianity, paranoia, benzo withdrawl & Netflix, this new-found comical theory, states that BOTH spaceships and Jesus will be seen during the end of times.

Christian aspect:
Jesus saves his people from the tribulation, destroys the wicked, & ushers in an age of peace; after the age of peace, there is a second, brief time of trouble which results in the permanent banishment of the wicked. - Wikipedia

Alien aspect:
As our planet becomes closer to the Sun or Solar Flares, in 2012 scientists will reveal that.. it's over! Signs include OCD number writing, being Nicholas Cage & seeing aliens. There's no escaping our doomed fate!

Trials & Tribulations started in '04 when Paris Hilton's sex tape was released. On a mission for survival, Will Ferrel & Brennan Fraisier went to a diner to force all the devil worshipers & meth cooks to save the world by proving that both the The Center of the Earth and the Land of the Lost are REAL so humans could live there till Spaceship Jesus comes! They found an unwed pregnant woman at the diner & decided to make her baby the future of the human race. She ran for the door, but Betty White went nuts & crawled on the ceiling, & she was forced to go with them. None of them have been seen since, but at worst, they go into a volcano & are fed to dinosaurs.
The aliens will be able to pass through the thin walls of our parallel universes, escape Area 51 & only take 1 man, give him a brain & the power to deceive us promising the answers to all unknown things. He will disguise himself as Jesus, but he won't even have a spaceship! He will in fact be the Antichrist, ultimate manipulator, Tom Cruise.

They will then invade Earth disguised as "a massive dying of birds" looking for the chosen one; the most powerful person on the planet, Oprah. Together, Tom Cruise & the demon bird aliens use her human body as a host and form the Earth version of Satan. Then the battle begins.

In 2011 durring an ice storm in Kettering, Ohio we witnessed Spaceship Jesus RSVP, telling us the end was near! Bright colorful lights, followed by frozen flood covered streets, as we sat in our houses. No power, internet or Netflix. Just suffering, chatting with our loved ones without distractions, in misery for 72 hours.

That night was never revealed. They called it "power outages" & "cracked potheads". DP&L, Channel 2 news, & a kid from Kroger who recorded the chaos at the substation all covered it up. Why? Because they're all ILLUMINATI!

The message was clear that night & was decoded by "American Psychic" John Edwards being simply this: be astronauts, look for Jesus riding on a spaceship, hear the dead communicate through me, get off or ON drugs, & finally, get a life & stop watching so much tv!

lol :P

(not to be taken litteral)
by TheTardish March 01, 2011