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A Soccer Mom is a 35-40 year old women generally found in an affluent suburb of a medium to large size metropolitan area. They come from white (not Asian, Latin, or European) American families who decided long ago that marrying into another race was just not for them. They are always upper middle class, as in they are to rich to work, but to poor to belong to an exclusive country club, or hire a nanny for their fucking annoying kids. Due to this financial dilemma, soccer moms generally find that there really isn't a set goal in their lives for them to achieve, therefore they devote themselves to the complete manipulation of their kids lives.

Their Kids - Generally average looking kids who are taught to from birth to believe that they are mommy's little baby, and in no way in hell can they ever do anything wrong. They are avid members of their sunday school, where they learn to memorize the entire new testament. At school, they are always extremely polite to their teachers, and love to share with their classmates.

As they get older however, they start to change. The boys realize once they hit high school, that their moms are the reason they haven't gotten laid, and generally develop a pattern of smoking excessive weed, drinking, and downloading unheard of amounts of porn. Due to this the soccer mom usually casts her son aside, and look to her angel daughter - usually named Kaitlyn. The daughter and mother unlike the son, develop a stronger relationship, in which the soccer mom attempts to become her daughters 'best friend'. They go shopping together, talk about all the cute guys in the daughters school, and all the drama that is taking place between the daughter, and her ditsy little friends - all named Jill. This relationship continues until the soccer mom comes home after a tiresome PTA meeting, and finds her daughter getting railed by some football player named Michael.. At this point, the soccer mom realizes that her little baby is growing up, and they start to develop a similar, but more disgusting mature relationship.

The Husband - Generally a tall, handsome guy who drives a silver 4 door Honda. They happen to work in a cubicle on the 31st floor of a high rise corporate building, filing insurance papers or something along those lines. They dress everyday in a fairly cheap suite when they go to work, and at home they are found to be sporting the latest attire from the Nike Golf lineup. Always they are found to have some boyish hobby that the soccer mom considers cute, like collecting limited edition football cards, or vintage 1950's records. Unknown to the wife(soccer mom) they secretly hate their life as they never aspired to their dream of being a professional sailing instructor, and in turn, arrive home late from work 3 nights a week after fucking their secretaries.

This concludes the life of a soccer mom. Take caution when driving through suburban neighborhoods, vacationing in Florida, or during November elections (if you're not voting for Hillary - god bless) as you just might be caught, and told that you're the reason America is going to the dogs.
While on vacation in Florida, Soccer Mom Susan cries out in grief that she forgot to reschedule that months PTA party "High Fives for Hillary." - Fucking Bitch.
by dontbeasoccermom April 16, 2008
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23
A suburban stay at home cumdumpster who thinks that her opinions count for anything. Usually seen driving an overpriced SUV, talking on her cell phone, and yelling at her kids for stepping on the Macy's bags-all at the same time. Have a tendency to smugly advertise, with bumper stickers, basically everything. Are known for lobbying for tougher alcohol regulations, gun laws, and censorship. Just another good reason to make the laws about homicide more lenient.
"Holy shit! Some soccer mom in her Escalade nearly ran me off the road because she was talking on her cell phone instead of paying attention to the road.
by herrsquidward October 05, 2007
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24
Beasts from hell. They will try to censor anything. Responsible for Columbine and Sadamm ever being the dictator of Iraq. Drive large things known as minivans, which are usually larger than normal vans. Take their kids to soccer games and cheer them on all the time, even when their kid sucks more balls than a 3 cent chinese whore. Their minivans are sized between that of an M2A3 Bradley and M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank.
Sergeant Ha was in his M2A3 when he saw a soccer mom who was late for getting to see her kid's soccer game rushing towards his tank. He quickly fired off a missile, destroying the monstrosity and her personnel carrier. What's that? What about her family? No problems, just fire a missile or 654 at their house.
by that guy that kicks ass February 17, 2005
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25
A Soccer Mom is a dumb, ignorant, upper middle class cunt who tries to give the impression that she is from the upper class. The main identifications of Soccer Mom's are a huge coffee, those stupid short jackets that are meant for chicks in their 20's, an attitude of entitlement and bitchness, and an SUV that rivals the fuel consumption and handling of a tank.

Other characteristics include a huge butt shoehorned into jeans meant for slim chicks in their 20's, rampant materialism, probably racist, some type of hardcore conservative. This is basically a grown up version of the college slut who was a general bitch to everyone.

Her children are known as "Mindy" and "Biff". Mindy is the dumb airheaded slut who has the same attitude of entitlement. Mindy is usually dressed up in tight pants that cause butt suffocation, and some kind of tank-top. Biff is the wannabe tough guy frat boy who is probably racist, spits everywhere, and has a chip on his shoulder. Eventually, another type of Mindy meets another type of Biff and the cycle continues.

Soccer mom's can be seen speeding up the apocalypse by encouraging armed conflict in a world where the vast majority of nations have nuclear weapons, yelling at people to get their way, glaring at me because I look like an Arab, so I must be trying to take over the world or something, hating minorities, drinking coffee, and being a general pain in the ass.
The Soccer Mom is the dumb cunt with the huge butt standing in line in front of you at a coffeeshop, yelling at the poor overworked waitstaff that they forgot to add mocha to her half-caf, splenda, mocha, vanilla latte. In addition, they also forgot to smile.
by Clip June 13, 2006
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26
A horrible phenomenom which begun taking over middle class America in the mid-90's.
Still fixing lunches for 16 year old Bratty Tammy and her soccer-playing suburban brother Aiden? Then you're a soccer mom.Die.
by David M. Kennedy July 25, 2006
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27
1.A middle to upper-class post-baby boomer woman, usually white, who usually spends her time homemaking. Her children are her whole world, and she considers them to be the exceptions to every rule. She cannot control them and expects everyone else to deal with that. She loves trendy diets and hair styles, is fashionably late to her children's sport practices, and insists that her children's teachers do not challenge them enough. Debate rages over her political leanings, but regardless, she feels that her and her family are moral soldiers, making sure that those who have "questionable" character are ignored, shunned, and avoided. She lives in the suburbs and drives an expensive SUV that her husband had lifted into the stratosphere, even though it will undoubtedly never be taken off-road once. Can frequently be seen standing in line in coffee shops and pays for a pack of gum with a debit card.
2.An object of sexual infatuation for many young men between 20 and 40.
Out of all the people Jenny dealt with at her job at the bank, she hated soccer moms the most.
by Guinness for everything July 14, 2005
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28
1. The reason we have little nuisances like the ESRB RIAA and FCC
2. Any DECENT person's worst nightmare (right next to Billy Ray Cyrus)
3. Mothers who think that by making there kids slaves to pop culture, it would make up for the fact that they live shitty, cocaine-infested lives.
Teen: *Buying M-Rated game*

Soccer Mom: You're not 17. You have to be 17 or older to buy that game.

Cashier: Sorry, I can't sell this to you.

Soccer Mom: Games like this poison your mind.

Teen: No, assholes like you poison my mind.


Soccer Moms are like AOL cds, for every one that you get rid of, 10 more spring up.
by PoserSmasher March 12, 2005
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