A soccer mom is typically a white suburban woman aged from 30-50. They are usually picking their kids up from school and driving them to the various activities they participate in. Usually seen with an SUV, a coffee and a cell phone yelling at someone. She owns a two-story house with her husband and two/three kids with a picket fence in the front yard. They are crazy Christians who believe that anyone or anything that isn't Christian is cursed by the devil. They blame rap/rock/metal music, the Internet and video games for all the problems in the world. They believe they are always right and that their opinion matters most. They are often seen telling others what to do. They are one of the people most responsible for the dumbing down of today's society. Her kids live a life planned for them. They have to get straight A's in school. They are forced to participate in soccer, hockey and many other sports. They are not allowed to watch any movies rated higher than PG. They are not allowed to play any video games, other than a Nintendo Wii for an hour a day. They have no Internet access, the computer is for homework only. After being forced to listen to Sheryl Crow, Shania Twain and Creed all of their life, they end up becoming rebels the moment they start high school. They do drugs, they get into fights, and start bullying others. Little does the soccer mom know that her perfect little daughter is fucking the captain of her school's football team. Soccer moms make me sick.
That soccer mom yelled at me because I was playing Metallica full blast! She said it was the creation of the devil...
by Marco K. May 27, 2010
A 30 to 50 year old woman, usually straight, whose whole life revolves around their children and "empowering" themselves by trying to censor anything even remotely violent, vulgar, or bad in any way. Some have tattoos just to show how tough and empowered they are.

Their children are usually maladjusted due to their parents not letting them see anything remotely "bad" or vulgar, even when they are teenagers.

As implied by the name, their children play sports, usually soccer. Soccer moms can be identified by a generic sticker on the back of their car, or a "My child is an honor student at <insert school> Middle School" bumper sticker.

They also drive SUVs even though they do not need them, and cause many accidents. They are very active in their children's school activities.
That soccer mom is always at the PTA meetings!
by Luigi30 November 04, 2004
A blonde middle-aged woman who's spent far too much time at the fake-n'-bake, barely stands five feet tall on her tiptoes, drives an SUV the size of a Sherman tank because she has a female Napoleon complex, and plasters the back of said vehicle with stickers about how her child is a straight A student at <insert here> middle school.
Most of the women driving SUV's around Richmond, VA.
by Syd Barrett December 23, 2003
That bitch in the SUV who almost ran you over this morning because you had the nerve to try to cross her street at a crosswalk, when the little "walk" man was green, despite the fact that she had over one hundred feet to slow her fat ass down before crowding you out of the lane, which she wanted to use to make a right turn without signaling. Don't worry, she didn't see you: she was on her cell phone talking to some other soccer mom slut, and is therefore incapable of perceiving, acknowledging or responding to any outside influence or displaying any semblance of situational awareness that might prevent her from running you over. In fact, even though the law guarantees you the right of way as a pedestrian, you should always yield to the soccer mom or in general the dodge driver or SUV driver, so her fat kid can in fact get to soccer practice five seconds sooner: he needs the exercise.
To identify a soccer mom listen for the phrase -- "Fucking bitch, watch where you're going and get off the phone!"

We should all be nicer to soccer moms...they have it rough. Its hard to drink Starbucks, talk on your cell phone too loudly in public, run pedestrians over in your SUV and single-handedly change the movie, TV and video game rating system all at the same time.

The soccer mom should not be confused with the conventional stay-at-home-mom, who actually stays home, supports her family and raises children who don't grow up to be money-grubbing scoundrel frat boy/girls who are incapable of contributing to society, but rather raises well-mannered respectable young adults that don't make you want to puke every time you see them.
by ucfryan November 02, 2006
The maternal unit of preps. Most soccer moms are very proud of the fact that their kids (preps) are slaves to pop culture. They are usually content with the fact that their world is nothing but simulacra, and they have no desire to see the truth (that they're morons). They drive ungodly expensive vehicles (think: Hummer), and belong to some form of clique with other soccer moms.
Look at me! I'm a soccer mom! See my new Hummer H2? I was too stupid to negotiate on the price, so I paid $59,000 for it!
by manly man February 05, 2004
going to go out on a limb here and claim expert status on identifying and defining soccer moms. my qualifications: grew up in california suburbs. in soccer family (mom and dad both coaches). have one child myself. am 37 years old. true, i don't drink coffee. and i live in san francisco, where, in tiny pockets, soccer moms do rear their ugly (over-highlighted) heads, but are promptly ridiculed until they crawl back into their climate-controlled SUVs and circle the city, endlessly looking for parking that can accommodate their concorde-size vehicles.

soccer moms are frightened people. threatened people. they sometimes seem smug and heedless, but everything they do is governed by feelings of inadequacy. ever read the malcolm gladwell story in the new yorker that reported that the single biggest psychographics assocated with SUV drivers were (1) being a bad driver; and (2) lack of confidence about the state of your marriage? hello, soccer mom. lacking individual ambition, they channel all their fervor into their kids' lives and accomplishments, resulting, later, in many years of therapy for said offspring, who end up deranged and oppressed by the SM's maniacal child obsession. soccer moms are unhappy people, and often conflicted about the traditional (read: regressive) gender roles they have decided to embrace. they are in too much denial to admit that they, like the rest of us, just didn't want to work outside the home anymore, so they tried to turn childrearing into a career. (not saying it isn't legitimate work, but it would be nice to get an honest explanation of the original motivation.) they are threatened by women with careers, younger women and women who struggle to balance their jobs and their kids' needs and don't want to subjugate their own needs every day of their lives (and thus become bitter, like the SMs). if you resist the trappings of soccer momdom yourself, they are threatened by you. ("how can your family get by with one car? what? it's a 9 year old mazda sedan? does it even have cup holders? or tethers? or tethered cup holders?")

not even getting into the right-wing, censorship-promoting, christian reactionary part of it all, SMs are downright dangerous for the culture. they oppose critical thought on principle. man, isn't that bad enough?
The soccer mom slammed the door of her Suburban, grabbed her no-fat mint frappacino and the twins, stuffed her Coach purse and offspring in the Bugaboo and charged into Target.
by grableca March 11, 2006
A matriarchical parental unit who's parenting ethos is based on rigidity, indoctrination, and denial of everything that would otherwise make its kids more independent. Also opposes video games, guns, and self-defense. Often supports globalism and "peace." Is against rugged individualism. Tries to "break" its kids of their individuality.
A cabal of child-abusing soccer moms tried to abolish fun and got themselves shot dead by an underground resistance movement of Right-Wing vigilante Goths.
by Iggy Hazard January 15, 2004
"Soccer Mom" is a term made up during the election year 1996 to describe a white surburban homemaker wife who thinks that anything that is not explicitly Fundamentalist "Christian" is bad for her rotten little shits she calls her kids. She drives a bigass gas-guzzling SUV, tries to push her views on morality on everyone else, and goes shopping all the fucking time when she ain't taking her brats to soccer or piano practice or some other fucking stupid shit because she lives off her husband's wages. She gives money to a political party and tries to influence them to her standards. She's involved in PTA, the church "clique", you name it - she is influential and pushy in them all. In other words, an all-American stuck-up conforming judgmental BITCH.
Tipper Gore. Her kids got into drugs. I wonder why? Another example is the women who watch shit on the TV like that overblown yuppie Tupperware party that is called the View. On Sunday morning a Soccer Mom drops her daughter off to Sunday school, who then runs off with the cute boy in her class and they listen to a CD of "Satanic" music by U2, Pink Floyd, Rush or Ziggy Marley, then they smoke some Panama red and get it on in the grass.
by Starpunk June 16, 2006
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