Santa is a jolly old man with a long white beard. He dresses in all red. He likes to break into your house on the 25th of December. You might want to watch out for him.

The fattest, oldest pimp this side of the north pole.

Santa is a jolly fat white man, who i never belived in because i knew no white guy would come into my hood after dark.

Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of mammoth bones and his own waste. Hurling them at chimp like creatures with crinkled hands, regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so called toys were buried as witches and defecated upon and hurled at predators that were awoken by the searing grunts of their children. It wasn't a holly-jolly Christmas that year, for many were killed...

A warlike race of elves from the tenth planet landed on the ice-encased Earth and were immeadiatly enslaved by the unevolved Santa-ape to make his toys using galatic elven technology. For ever more fancier models, toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train." But these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid, Christmas still sucked in a big way.

In contrast to the cynical mathematical "contradiction" to Santa, there is indeed proof of his existance.

Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish "study."

1. Flying reindeer: As is widely known (due to the excellent historical documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no punches pulled look at life in Santa's village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer, obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

2. Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is as a result several days after the Western Churches'. Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.

Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with ...

A communist.

SATAN spelled wrong due to a mix up at the factory.

The biggest dissapoint in a kid's life