"I’m sure I’ve seen that pervy pete on Crimewatch”



“Call the police I can’t find my baby and I’ve just seen pervy pete leave the building”





Pete: “if you want I’ll babysit for you tonight”

Normal Person: “Fuck off or I’ll stab you in the eye and get the old bill on you. And how the hell did you get into my house?”





Pete: “oh haven’t you got a cute kid”

Translation:” I’m gonna eat your baby”





Pete: “I’m in the mood for a good night out and a bit of romance”

Translation: “I’m gonna break into your house tonight, kill your cat and drink its blood and then rape your mum”





Pete: “I watched this really good documentary last night”

Translation: “I finally got that web cam working in your bedroom”





“Hey man did you just fart?”

“No, pete just came in”





Pete: “I love my mum”

Translation: “I keep her body under the bed”





Pete: “Me and my dad get on so well”

Translation: “He taught me how to groom kids and not leave any evidence behind”





Pete: “Don’t you just love the smell of rain?”

Translation: “BATH TIME!”





Pete: “Hey luv its been 3 months since we started seeing each other, shall we go out and celebrate”

Girlfriend: “Look, I don’t know who you are or where you came from, I swear I won’t tell the police just please untie me and let me see my mum, I only went out for some milk”.


Pete: “I love Halloween”

Translation: “Chereece has h...