The Government has been aware for some time now that there are a growing number of young travelling folk that have been committing crimes at random. These crimes are often aimed at the hard working people of the country and usually involve theft or fraud. Usually the perpetrator seems to be a nice, keen young person who seems totally trustworthy at first. However, the Government is also aware that they are a minority amongst their people and is reluctant to encourage any form of racism against the communities of the travelling folk.
With this sensitive issue in mind, it has been decided that the people need to be warned against this particular element within the travelling society without offending the community at large and not allowing any stigmatism to the travelling folk. So Police forces across the land have been told to look out for PIKEY’s and arrest them if they are in any doubt about their intentions. Public information films and poster campaigns will be launched to advise people how to recognise a PIKEY and what to do if they suspect there are any PIKEY’s in their area. There is even speculation that new laws will be made to enable property owners to protect their property “how they feel fit” if they catch PIKEY’s on their land.
Other Farmer: "There wasn't any of them PIKEY's amongst em' was there"?
Farmer: "I didn't think so at first, they all seemed to be nice C.U.N.T.'s or TWATS. But one night I caught two of the young lads from them nicking stuff from my barn".
Other Farmer: "what did you do"?
Farmer: "Oh, I just shot the fuckers. It's legal now. The Police were ok with it and the travelling folk were glad to have them out of there group too. 'Gives us a bad name' they said"!
Pikey is not a racial group, the term is used to describe anyone who lives in a caravan or shares the same values and "culture" of "the travelling community", and whose main sources of income are as follows:
Stealing cars, flogging roses in pubs for "childrens' charities", nicking lead off roofs, burgling garden sheds, blagging entry to old peoples house to rob them, doing dodgy tarmac jobs ("we've got some black stuff left over from a job up the road"), sometimes with mint imperials used as a substitute for white chippings, or, reportedly, using snow to lay slabs on when the sand ran out, stealing your bollocks if they weren't in a bag and anything else that's not nailed down and anything that is nailed down but will fit in the back of an untaxed Transit when nobody's looking.
Characterised by lurchers on a string, a unintelligible language that "isn't English, it isn't Irish, it's just Pikey" (source: Film: Snatch), a penchant for harecoursing, ketamine, lighter fuel, fighting in pubs and shopping at Lidl.
Now generally regarded as a term of abuse that encompasses any persons perceived as common, tasteless, flashy, in-bred, thieving and a whole host of other sins, the primary term is till applied to gypsies.
Once thought of as the type of person who sold you useless lucky heather whether you wanted it or not, the pikey is now the type of person who will uselessly tarmac your driveway whether you want it or not.
A popular hobby amongst pikeys is collecting; mainly dogs, horses, scrap metal and stolen goods.
A pikey is someone of dubious origin who would like to be known as a traditional happy-go-lucky romany type, but in reality is an illiterate thieving bastard who would stoop to previously unheard of depths in an attempt to 'earn' money. I use the term 'earn' loosely, as nearly all pikey commerce activities involve a modicum of illegal activity somewhere along the line.
Winter sees your typical pikey become an expert in UPVC fitting, summer they revert to the more traditional 'garden maintenance'
They are easily differentiated from your honest tradesman by the untaxed stolen (& nearly brand new) transit, emblazened with the words 'ask driver for details'.
Pikey youths normally hang out at the nearest Lidl during the day, & the pub unfortunate enough to be near their illegal campsite at night.
Arguments with these 'people' are futile, as they neither understand english or would care if they could. If you are lucky enough to put one of these creatures down be warned - their immediate family (normally numbering 100 plus) will hound you down.
Its best to avoid them like the plague, or do a Tony Martin & shotgun the buggers.
'Having it away with your goodies'
'Ah I see' KABOOM!!!!
Copyright Tony Martin 2003
PIKEy:Oi'll feckin ave ya boi oi'll stab ya boi, oi'll rob ya boi
HUMAN: if you say so mate