An Ogozist is a member of the Order of the Great Owl of Zantos (OGOZ).
OGOZ was founded by the great prophet Vandar the Destroyer, a minor Viking warlord from Trondheim in Norway, in about 756 A.D. While sleeping off a heavy lunch of roast suckling pig and herring in his bedchamber, Vandar was visited by a gigantic, red-eyed Owl. The Owl informed him that he had come from the planet Zantos to save the human race from its own destruction. The Great Owl commanded Vandar to establish a monastery and church school to study and interpret His teachings, which He revealed to him in a series of visitations over the next 20 years. Vandar renounced his life of raping and pillaging and founded OGOZ the following day.
Vandar died from indegestion after eating two whole boars for supper in 777 A.D. Over the next 1200 years, the religion grew steadily throughout Westren Europe, despite purges in the 16th, 17th and 19th centuries. In 1784, the Great Owl instructed the Count Francois de la Montaigne, of Grenoble, France, to publish the holy book of OGOZ, known as the Zinto. The Zinto brought together the Great Owl's teachings and the story of the early prophets in one easy-to-use volume, removing the need for the Great Owl to repeat himself to each new prophet.
OGOZ remained an underground organisation until 1852, when the minor Victorian nobleman Sir Albert Harrington-Smythe founded a temple in Wolverhampton, England. Despite initial objections from ignorant, slack-jawed locals, the temple remains to this day. Since then, temples and faith schools have been established throughout England and much of Western Europe, with the exception of Belgium.
What are the main beliefs of Ogozists?
The Great Owl teaches that He created the Earth in 5 days, drinking and carousing on the 6th. The 7th day was spent coming down whilst watching Sunday TV and drinking Lucozade, both of which He also created. The Great Owl then left the Earth to Human- and Animal-kind to populate and inhabit. In terms of afterlife, those who have lived according the Great Owl’s teachings will, upon death, go to live with Him in the Great Cosmic Barn of Zantos, developing the ability to fly and a piercing x-ray eyesight which will enable them to spy on living people getting undressed.
The Great Owl prophesised that in circa 2037, His Earth would come under threat from the Anti-Owl, who would attempt to enslave the population and generally make life miserable for all. The identity of the Anti-Owl is unknown, but he is believed to be in his thirties and living in Belgium.
The main principles of OGOZ are enshrined in the 8 Instructions, revealed to Vandar the Destroyer in 758 A.D. in a dream and passed down through generations of Ogozists. They are: -
1. Thou shalt not kill unless really necessary.
2. Thou shalt treat animals with respect and tolerance.
3. Thou shalt give nice, tasteful presents to each other at Christmas and on other appropriate anniversaries.
4. Thou shalt not mix wine and beer.
5. Thou shalt not fraternize or consort with Belgians.
6. Thou shalt always ensure that food is cooked through before serving.
7. Thou shalt respect thine parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, fuck buddies and domestic staff.
8. Thou shalt worship no other Owl but me.
One of the most controversial aspects of OGOZ thought is the Great Owl’s disdain for the people and culture of Belgium. This led to an international war in 1803 when the Great Owl instructed a Dutch nobleman, Jan van der Vandervalk, to declare war on the country. The conflict claimed over 15,000 lives and ended in stalemate, causing subsequent OGOZ thinkers to play down this aspect of OGOZ teaching. Indeed, this is one of many aspects of OGOZ belief that has become unfashionable as time has passed, along with the Great Owl’s teaching that the Earth is carried around the Sun by two enormous Sparrows and the instruction that disabled or female children should be drowned at birth. Many Ogozists now disown these teachings, although there is still a fundamentalist faction (True Believers of the Order of the Great Owl of Zantos or TBOGOZ) who support these ideas and claim approval from the Great Owl Himself.
Other OGOZ customs include nocturnalism – the belief that most human activity should be carried out at night – and the belief that sexual intercourse should be had as often as possible, with man, woman or inanimate object. These beliefs in particular led to the Catholic Church and Christian states in the 16th and 17th centuries to persecute OGOZ and its believers.
Many people, major religions and at least one national newspaper have labelled OGOZ ‘Satanist’. In fact OGOZ is actually ‘Santaist’, believing Santa Claus to be one of five prophets alive today whose work and thought should be studied to gain inspiration and wisdom. The other four prophets are Noel Edmonds, Shaun Ryder, Hilary Clinton and Fred Elliott from ‘Coronation Street’.
How do I join OGOZ?
To become a full member of OGOZ, one must do two things. Firstly one must undergo an ancient initiation ritual at the hands of an OGOZ priest. Ogozists are forbidden from disclosing the details of the ritual but let’s just say that if you’ve never been anally penetrated, you may wish to think twice. Secondly, one must recite an oath to the Great Owl:
“O great winged beast, creator and destroyer of worlds, protector of life, curse of Belgians, I hereby swear to humbly be in your service in my human world and live by your teachings and wisdom. Praise to the Great Owl, death to non-believers!”
There are however, limits to membership. The Zinto provides a list of those who may not become members, and who are cursed by the Great Owl:
• Media studies professors
• Moneylenders and international capitalists (N.B. this is not a codeword for Jews. The great Owl has great respect for the Jewish people, and can often be seen on the streets of Brooklyn wearing his Kipah and eating Halvah)
• Conservative politicians
• Hollywood (and Bollywood) film stars
• Anyone involved with the making of the Lord of the Rings trilogy
If you don’t fit into any of those categories you may join this ancient and mystical religion.
If there is anything further you wish to know, or if you would like to join, e-mail the Great Owl Himself at email@example.com
The proslytesing of Pete Sykze persuaded me to become an Ogozist.