Today, the members of the New Joysee State Senate eat at least 5 children a day, and the Govenor generally eats at least 7, though one day he once ate 24 in one sitting, fulfilling a dare in a childish attempt to impress his wife.
"In all honesty, the government is run by the Mafia," reported an actual Jersey resident quote. Unfortunately the resident and the reporter went "missing" shortly thereafter.
New Joysee was the 41st state in the United States of America. The state slogan was "The Armpit of America!", now "The Fabulous Armpit State!". As of 10/01/07 the capitol is New Joysee City.
Created when the Old Joysee was cast beneath the sea by the god Poseidon, the City-State of New Joysee is a scientifically formulated mixture of cow cheese, old fashioned blue-collar values, and fungally festooned ferret felt, best enjoyed while enjoying romance under a full moon listening to muskrat love. In some mythologies, New Joysee is the land of Paradise, the Garden of Alden, even. However, such stories are generally believed only by hopelessly psychotic homeless people who wander the streets of Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
Note: Only fucking New Yorkers say New Joysee. New Jersey is a lot cleaner than other states because all of our trash is in Atlantic City, Trenton, Newark, Jersey City, and Camden where the gates of hell are located. In order to live in New Jersey One must be one of the folowing: Italian, Sicilian, Jewish, Irish, German, or Catholic, and Indians may live in central Jersey only. If you meet none of these standards, then you are to be wacked. Another little-known fact is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning, and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into the north and the south. The North is the land of polution and crime and the south is farms, trees, the shore, and a dumping spot for bodies. All people in New Jersey live in fear of three things: the mafia, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. All New Jersey residents would also like to close down Olive Garden because they cannot make gravy for crap. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections, placing a tax burden on the medagons who should get the fuck out of New Jersey. Another little- known fact is that in Vineland (pronounced vine-lin) black people are some of the best members of the "clan". In order to become a resident of any shore town you need to "qatch the tram car, please". It is important also to mispronounce certain words, such as "woulder", the biggest debate in history. In "SJ" the Avenue is what it is all about. You also are required to live withen one half-hour of a mall, within 2 minutes of a Wawa, and within 500 yards of 20 Dunkin' Donuts locations.
According to Weird Al Yankovic, New Joysee sucks.
As of 1991, performing a left turn in an automobile at any given moment in New Joysee is prohibited, punishable by eighteen consecutive life sentences, being sent back in time 2 weeks by way of the Turnpike, and a make-over involving really, really big hair. The cars in New Joysee protested this law, and Christine Whitman, the local demon, jacked up car insurance rates in revenge. This is why auto insurance in New Joysee is so high.
Amongst the things to do in New Joysee:
Engage in self-loathing and general misanthropy
Sit in traffic
Curse your fellow man
Curse your government
Go to to see some shitty emo band
Make a left turn using a jug-handle
Say the eighteen consecutive life sentences out loud and thus be freed (along with two Hail Marys and a Rama Ding Ding)
Circles in the road... that magically turn into triangles... which amazingly are harder to navigate than the circle.
New Joysee has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".
Places in New Joysee include
Geritolopolis, New Joysee
The Sunken Ruins of Old Joysee
South Jersey (not related)
The New Joysee Turnpike... a.k.a. "The Road from HELL!"
Edison, New Joysee
Moonachie, New Joysee
Newark, New Joysee
Kansas, New Joysee
Montvale, New Joysee
North Caldwell, which gets into endless sissy fights with the town of Your Mom.
The College of New Joysee
The Gates of Hell
Nick Sereda's house (The palace of dead cats).
New Joysee lost all of its sports teams to the non-existent New York. Thusly, the only sports team you will find in New Joysee is the New Joysee Turnpikers.
The New Joysee Turnpikers play right in the middle of exit 159 and 159b, right where that awful stench keeps happ'nin.
New Joysee is home to several species of tree.
New Joysee is also home to many musicians and people who pretend to be musicians, such as Bruce Springsteen, who despite all his riches still writes songs, and the tireless pedophile rights group and advocate for man-boy love and large hair, Bon Jovi. Les Claypool isn't from NJ but my mom thinks he is.
Bruce Willis, long rumored to possibly be some kind of actor, also hails from Hoboken, New Jersey, known for his roles in countless motion pictures where he expertly and tirelessly plays the same anti-hero bad-ass character over and over again and refuses to shave more than once a week.
The wild Indians of New Joysee populate many of the native conveniance stores and low-budget condos of joysee suberbs.
Um, don't forget Meryl Streep.
Other people include:
Gerard Way,the well known Mikey Jackson impersonater.
The following list of people have embarrassed the state of New Joysee beyond repair. The are no longer allowed to cross the border and come home for any reason.
The Menendez Brothers
Taking Back Sunday
(Okay, I'm kidding about the Menendez Brothers.)
Roads in New Joysee
Route 206, also known as the road that is always backed up is a popular favorite. Come and sit in traffic and marvel at how congested the road is!
Route 80, the road that goes all the way to California. Always backed up in the direction you are going in only. The other side is magically free of traffic.
Route 287 is another popular road. However, this road goes nowhere and does little of interest, so ignore it, please. Route 95 is a road that defies all logic in New Joysee. Notice the mile numbers. Notice how they randomly go up and down. Notice how if you are on I-95 North, somehow you end up on I-295 south and if you are on I-95 South you end up on I-295 North? If it isn't clear by now, I-95 in New Joysee was planned out by Hitler. Also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy is Route 130, which randomly joins with Route 295 in the southern area to try to have a four-way orgy with Route 40 and the New Joysee Turnpike at the Delaware Memorial Bridge.
Route 23 goes into New York. Literally, the only highway with nothing on it. Let's just avoid route 23.
Route 22 must be seen to be believed. It is actually a drive-thru megamall and boasts the highest daily accident rate of any road in the country. Also, a good road on which to hotbox while driving to Melody, Pennsylvania to buy relatively cheap cartons of cigarettes... or in the either direction towards... Route 1-9 and the ensuing Pulaski skyway, the central vein of the armpit, deep within the 'Joisey Smell' zone proper. This will bring you quickly within sight of the signs for the Holland Tunnel, where you will sit in traffic for exactly long enough to miss whatever it was for which you wanted to enter New York/escape Joisey. It's generally a good idea to bring along some food, water, and a container suitable for the deposit and storage of bodily waste, when one is daring enough to try this route.
Route 666 goes through the Pinebarrens. An area which if lost you could go for days without encountering a single sign of human life, drive past the gates of hell, and be killed by the Jersey Devil.
Route 40 is known for constantly being in construction when it never really needed it in the first place. Why they felt the need to make it wider will forever be a mystery. The constant construction is attributed to the workers ripping up the roads and then being wacked before they are able to complete the job.
"Joysee girls ain't trash... trash gets picked up!"
"A really lovely state, very convenient, to the south of Hell."
NJ Turnpike exit sign
Newark Liberty International Airport Sign
"I am from NJ. I curse... a lot. I say "yo", and I say it often. I never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. I sure as hell don't pump my own gas. I know what real pizza tastes like, and I know that a bagel is much more than a fuckin' roll with a hole in the middle. I judge people by what exit they get off the parkway. I can navigate a circle--with attitude. All good nights must end at a diner--preferably with cheese fries. It's a sub, not a hoagie or, worse yet, a hero, and I wash it down with soda, not pop. Two words... "mother fucker." I don't go to the beach, I go down the shore. And boardwalk brawls are just a part of the atmosphere. Yes, I drink cawfee. I know that 65mph really means 80. I've always lived within 10 minutes of a mall. When someone cuts me off, they get the horn AND the finger. And they expect it. I am from New Jersey, and damn proud of it."
aint nobody in jersey says "joisy"...who the hell made that up?
its the only state that drops the "new" in its name.
we got the best damned accent ever.
everybody that dont like jerseys only mad cuz they cant afford it.
brick, new jersey: second safest town in the nation.
home to bon jovi, bruce springsteen, catch 22, jay and silent bob (and several kevin smith films, including "dogma"), princeton university, the sopranos, and the celebrated "weird nj."
while accents and hairstyles vary, it is extremely rare that one falls into the stereotypical "joisey" caricature.
Jerseyian: You're a sad sad person....
i'm gonna spend a lot of time writing this entry. i'll give you everything about jersey, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
first.. new jersey people are conceited. it's true. we hate everyone else. and we think we are better than everyone else. and we never stop talking about how great new jersey is. then we tell people to "shut the fuck up" when they tell us all we talk about is jersey. i just recently was in the south .. and i can honestly say, that i do think i am better than them. it's not my fault.. it's cause i'm from jersey. my friends and i were the rudest, most obnoxious people there. everyone just stared at us. then we saw other rude people, and i asked them where they were from. obviously, they said jersey.
why are new jersey people self centered? becasue we have reason to be. first of all, some of the most famous people have come from our state. just to name A FEW.. tom cruise, frank sinatra, bruce springsteen, kevin smith, whitney houston, martha stewart, lauryn hill, catch 22, anne hathaway, queen latifa, my chemical romance, jack nicholson, bruce willis, the four seasons, danny devito .. and the list goes on. not only do we have famous people.. we rank in the top 10 of smartest states every year.
not only are we smart and famous.. we're rich. bergen, somerset, morris, and hunderton counties rank as in the counties top 15 richest counties. and despite the slums of newark and camden which are some of the countries most dangerous places to live, we have 4 of the top 10 safest cities to live in the us.
and we smell? yeah, we do. new jersey smells like ASS. on the turnpike, between exits 14 and 17. that's like, 5 percent of the entire state.. bayonne, port newark, and secaucus. and the surrounding areas. that's it. the majority of the state smells like trees. because the majority of the state is trees. in fact, three of new jersey's cities rank in the countries top 10 least polluted cities. so shove it.
new jersey is ideal. i live 20 mintues away from new york city and an hour away from the famous jersey shore, (the shore is amazing. you think your beach is better? fuck you. why do you think mtv's true life had an episode titled "i'm a jersey shore girl." because it's the best fucking shore in the country.), and two hours away from philidephia. and it's a 4 hour drive to washington dc. and 15 mintues to the nearest mall -- 20 minutes to the next, and a half hour to the next. i just counted .. 7 malls within a half hour of my house. find me another state that has all that to offer.
yeah, we have accents. who gives a shit? everyone has an accent. and no, we don't say "joisey." we do say "cawfee and tawk." but i can tell you it's a hell of a better accent than you bitches from the south.
and we can't drive? no. you can't drive. like i said before, i was just in the south. the speed limit sign read: speed limit 60.. minimum 45. what? that's why you people can't drive. who has a mininum speed limit? new jersey drivers like pissing other people off solely because of the reputation. this is what we will do.. just letting you know .. if we see out of state license plates, we'll tailgate your ass. probably because you're doing the speed limit and we want to go 20 over. then, we'll cut you off.. and go slow in front of you. because we can. and because when you go home you're gonna complain about us. we like it, it doesn't bother us. that's what we want.
we like fast things. things move too slow in other states. you can tell that someone's from new jersey by the way they walk. they walk really fast and have a strut that says "i'm better than you."
music scene? amazing. bloomfiled ave cafe .. starlight ballroom .. enough said. we have the best local bands, the best punk scene, and probably 97 percent of the country's emo kids. don't believe me? read "nothing feels good. punk rock, teenagers, and emo." count how many jersey references are in that book. and the rap scene? i don't know much about it .. but i know it's there. and i know it's good.
and obviosuly the club scene. you don't know techno music until you come into new jersey.. SERIOUSLY. "we don't pump our gas .. we pump our fists." just shut the fuck up until you go to seaside boardwalk. you'll probably see some of the trashiest, dirtiest, skankiest girls.. and some of the most guido, gelled up hair, armani exchange wearing boys that take too many steroids and have have too much sex .. but they know how to dance better than anyone you ever met in your life. so yeah, the stereotype that all jersey chicks are trashy, is true .. if you go to seaside. that's pretty much it. the rest of the state is full of confident, beautiful girls that speak their mind. and the guys outside of seaside are pretty decent too.
majority of jersey people are italian.. or wish they were .. and drink too much beer and smoke too much pot. but, we all love eachother. i was at a party the other day and i met these guys that were best friends .. a scene kid, an abercrombie wearing kid, and a ghetto kid. why? because we don't give a fuck about labels. we throw the sickest parties .. in the woods.
what else? giants, jets, nets, and of course the devils. they're better than you. so shut the fuck up. and we have more yankee fans than new york city. come to jersey with a sox hat on .. i dare you.
hungry? don't worry. we have 24 hour diners. a million of them. we also have hoboken which has some of the finest places to eat. and you have not had real italian food until you come here. okay? shut up.
and oh yeah, we say "yo." often. and "fuck." i don't complain that you say "y'all" so don't complain that i say "yo."
to sum up new jersey. yeah, most of the stereotypes are true, probably for about 5 percent of the state. the rest of the state is beautiful. and yeah, we hate you. we love ourselves. wanna know why? because all you bitches hate us. how would you feel if the other 49 states spent all their time talking shit? we deserve to be our own country cause we're that cool.
jerseyian: "yo, fuck you, go grow some corn."
new yorker visiting new jersey: "i can't believe you guys think you're beter than us."
jerseyian: :: punches new yorker in the face ::
pennsylvanian visiting new jersey" "haha, you guys smell."
jerseyian: "fuck you, you're a hick."