1) Cool New People - No. These schmucks are not "Cool." The fact that they are the first thing you see when you log on is a fucking travesty. Why anyone would label these folks "Cool" is beyond our comprehension. At this point we wanted to turn back, but we forged on through the terror in the name of science.
2) Your Goddamn Pictures - "Hay guyz i hav this gr8 idea i think i shud take a pikkchur of myself in da mirrur holding teh camerah at a weiurd angle isnt that original guyz? Am i rite?" Believe it or not, we've caught on to your little tricks. We know that you are fat, ugly, have one eye, and shitty skin, and the crappy emo picture isn't fooling anybody. If you have the inclination to be really artsy, alternative, and original, and if you feel that taking a photo of yourself in the bathroom mirror is the way to do it, at least have the decency to wipe your dried jizz off the mirror. Oh but wait, there in the "View more pics" section you have those cute pictures of you and your buddies with beer in your hand. OMG GUYZ ITS BEER AND WE'RE LIKE 2TALLY UNDERAGE HOW BADASS ARE WE. Grow the fuck up, no one cares. And then you selfish bastards crop your friends out of the pictures so we all know who the attention whore is. We can clearly see their shoulder floating next to you.
3) About Me - Chances are no one comes to your MySpace to learn about how you "dont hav much 2 say" about yourself. These over-glorified AIM profiles contain some of the most useless crap ever to bombard our eyes. If you feel it is appropriate to contribute any information to this section, you're wrong. Save everyone the trouble of reading about your generic, pointless life and do something more productive. Like getting hit by a bus.
4) Friends - This monstrosity of a feature is used for two things:
a. Listing and cataloguing your already existing friends, as to create such riveting conversations like, "Hay why haven't you added me yet?" These conversations don't limit themselves to the internet either, people actually talk about this shit in real life. There is something inherently sad about that.
b. Meeting random people to list as your "Friends." For fuck's sake, do you really need the internet to meet people? Especially those with a name like xXforbidDEn___aDdictionXx? There's a reason these people are on the internet and not hanging out with all the kewl friends that they have.
Maybe we're missing something, but is there actually a point to leaving a Comment on someone's page saying "ooo great site keep it up!"? And no, the fact that you've added infinite smilies or a lame animated gif saying something to the effect of "KEEP ON TRUCKIN" doesn't make it any better. The worst part is that this useless banter can go on for pages. We don't need to hear about that great party last weekend. Or how you have this really unsightly rash. There are other forms of communication for that. Forms of communication such as THE PHONE or INSTANT MESSENGER or ANYTHING WHERE YOUR CONVERSATION IS NOT MADE PUBLIC. Frankly, you disgust us.
5) Music - This is the section* where you feel the need to either tell us that you like to listen to "whatevers on tha radio" (Hinting that you are a complete douche lacking any personality at all. But we pretty much knew that already, seeing as you have a MySpace) or try to impress people with your vast list of bands that no one has ever heard of. And then someone came up with the brilliant idea to put music videos in the music section! Thanks buddy, I was really looking forward to spending 15 minutes waiting for your Snoop Dogg video to load so i could have those beats drilled into my head while browsing for things to make fun of you about. And if that's the best picture of yourself you can find, I pity you. Next time don't get hit in the face with a shovel.
* Having 3 generic songs from some crappy band in tight girl jeans and titling it "MySpace Music" does not redeem this category at all. Don't even try it. Oh, and as if it wasn't bad enough already, there are "MySpace Music" concerts being organized right now. If there is any indication of the lameness that is MySpace, you need not look any further than its creator.
6) Tom - How does a lonely, single nerd become the antichrist of the internet? He creates a worldwide network for people just like him, with no friends, and automatically puts himself on everyone's "friends" section. Now, we're by no stretch of the imagination saying it would be acceptable, but it would be understandable if he did this on the side. However, it's pretty certain that MySpace is the extent of his sad pathetic life. When you start throwing parties in the name of the most unholy creation of all time, it's pretty safe to say your life peaked in 6th grade when that girl asked you to the dance as a joke. He is responsible for the thousands of obscenely lame people thinking that they are awesome and popular just because they have a MySpace.
7) Having Celebrities and Porn Stars As Your Friends - Now, it was much debated whether or not to put this in the Friends section, but the final decision was that this abomination deserved its own. We already know of your sad state purely by the fact that you have a MySpace, but if you're pitiful enough to go and add some well-known douchebag to your list of "friends" then you should stop reading this right now. There is no hope for you. Honestly. Could you possibly be dumb enough to really think that this is funny? Or is it even worse, and you actually believe that Paris Hilton has a MySpace? Nice going dumbass, because not only can Paris Hilton read, she also needs the internet to meet people. And by the way, you're not fooling anybody into thinking that you and all those "tootally hawt bikini babez" on your friends list go out and paint the town red on Friday nights.
After all this research, you'd think that we would have found a slight glimmer of appeal in the abyss that is MySpace. We did not. MySpace represents all that is evil and corrupt in this world, and it baffles us why you all have this "omg addiction" to it. We hate MySpace with a firey passion, and are in full approval of a support group for each and every MySpace member. And by support group, we mean chainsaw to the face.