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1.
1. The oldest creature in the world, though not of this world. Mortanius was transformed into a single-cell organism and abandoned on the earth 44 billion years ago by his native race. Over the last 44 billion years, he has evolved into an ambiguous, malevolent being. He can take, but is not limited to, the following forms:

-man-sized roach
-mischevious fox present in Japanese mythology
-various trees
-crude robot
-various insects
-Egyptian jackal deity, though he is most skittish in this form, often denying that he takes it.
-sickly human
-jet-propelled swimming pool cleaner
-television (in this form, fond of saying 'fiddle with my knobs')

In addition, Mortanius suffers unknowingly from heroin addiction and ejaculates all bodily fluids nightly.

The being also has several additional characteristics, including the ability to stretch his neck, control all plant life except members of "the resistance," control insects and maintain animation despite death and decay.

He also enjoys limited control over a symbiote that has attached itself to his body, though he has never been able to coerce the symbiote to his most desired "penis fingers" form.
Often heard phrases:

What? I just woke up.

Always gotta crucify a mother fucker!

Let me slip up in on your sister.

Geez, you keep it chilly in here! I better put on my fir coat!

Why are you being such a bitch, Rose?
by green salad June 23, 2004