1. The dirty bastards team. Usually Johnny and Kev. This team will complain for anything, hold the ball up, and be hard-done-by with every decision.
2. The tap-in team. Usually Nick K and Joe. Pair of fuckers. Score nothing but shit. Deserve to die.
3. The unknowns. The people who change team weekly. This team usually involves Swanny. Unskilled and uncontrolable, this team can produce both magic and manure. If you're a betting man - steer clear of this squad.
4. The Gods. This is my team. Unparalleled in their class. This team will score peach after peach. A dead cert.
5. The floaters. Usually Josso/Motion and James/Stewart. Not part of the football crew, these teams float in every monday, bring several unorthodox playing styles. James brings the class. Motion the passion. Josso the crazy diving headers and long-range bullets. Stewart, well, he's shaggin a 6th year so we'll let him off.
6. Andy-B. Complete farmer. He is backwards. Does not speak english. No one ever goes on a team with this person. Rightly so. He is prone to kicking the keeper in the head, screaming random sounds, trying FAR too hard, and blowing goats. He broke his hand last week. Hahahaha.
Lastly, the keeper, Tim, is key to the whole thing. He governs the whole sha-bang. He makes the most wonderfully SHIT decisions, and sometimes is biased towards the God's team. Dunno why. But i like it. He does not need glasses - he needs a basic understanding of football. Ach well, makes it funny. Rock on, Timbo.
'Andy-B has been banned indefinetly for attemtped beheading of Timbo'
'Ladbrokes stopped taking bets on whether or not Nick K would score a shit goal. Everyone knows he will.'
Timbo; 'Goal to Scroat'
Liam; 'Tim shut the fuck up'
Timbo; 'Okay, goal to Liam'
Liam; 'Good boy, have a sweetie'
John + Kev in chorus; 'HANDBALLLLL!'
'He kneed him in the face!'
Weasel: 'I didn't see it but I'll give it anyway'
'It was teuchter!'
Weasel: 'Oh, no pen then'
Teuchter: 'Feck off! For fecks sake I'm off to feck a goat yous should all ????? me ????? ???? ?? nae fair!'
We can actually play... well some of us.
Liam outlines the majority of what can be said about this unbelievable spectacle. No doubt everyone in Maths during 4th period on a Monday will sit with their eyes glued to the window: albeit by Mrs. Copland for them not writing the notes!
It has more drama than all of those crap Aussie soaps added together and best of all, has the worst goalkeeper in existence... no, not Aberdeen's keeper, but the mighty Timbo. Can't catch a cold. Doesn't recognise a foul. Doesn't understand that a shot which goes in between the posts (which are beautifully constructed with bags and tend to be 2 ft wide), under the (imaginary) crossbar and over the line.. counts as a fecking goal.
Scott likes to whine and cry as he goes out first round every week thanks to dubious penalties awarded by Timbo against him (which happen to be the only penalties awarded by Timbo. Ever.)
Chuchter likes to whine and cry too yet is inaudible as he is an inbred farmer that no-one can make out a word he says so everyone takes it as speech of unimportance and carries on regardless.
Then there's Nick K. Poaching bastard!
Everyone else is fine and have been explained, again by Liam, above.