On a typical paternity episode:
'Maury, I ain't 100, I a 1000 percent sure he my baby daddy!'
'Do you think he looks like your son?'
'Sure, look at the lips, look at the nose, he's her daddy!'
'Let's bring out Sharnel!'
"She a ho, she a ho, I ain't Laronda's baby daddy, she a ho!"
There is very little deviation in the dialogue from episode to episode.
1) - Paternity Tests
The best! See you are not the father
2) - Cheaters Revealing Secrets
If your significant other wanted to bring you on the Maury Show to reveal a "deep secret", what the hell do you think it is? Geez!
3) - Cheaters Denying Cheating
Maury: Lashawn, we asked you if you had sex with 40 women since you have been with Nykesha. You said 'no', the lie detector test determined that was a lie, it was actually 125.
Nykesha: You done! Dat's it! You out! Get out my house!
Lashawn: Dat test iz wrong! I ain't nevah cheated!
4) - Fat Babies
Jenny: My son is 2 years old and weighs 115 lbs. I feed him Snickers, Ho-ho's, steak, chicken, whatever he wants! He's my child and I'ma raise him!
5) - I Used to Be Ugly...
Maury: Joe, do you remember Cecila?
Joe: Yeah, she was the ugliest girl in school
Maury: Well, she's changed alot since then, look at her now!
*Cecila, tummy tuck, boob job, 2000 lbs. of makeup and all comes out and dances seductively for the crowd
Cecila: I'm hot and sexy now though the miracles of 40 plastic surgeries!
6) - My 10 year old is out of control!
Mom: Maury, you have to help my daughter!
Daughter: I'm only 10 years old and I do what I want. I swear, drink, and steal. I even kicked my mom in the head once! Nobody tells me what to do!
Daughter: Whateva! Whateva! Y'all don' know me! Y'all don' know me!
Maury: Guess what? You're going to boot camp!
Big Black Guy (to daughter): Sit down! Shut up! Apologize to your mother now! Shut your mouth! *yell, yell yell*
Daughter (2 days later): I'm so sorry Mom *sob* *sob*, I love you!!
Thuga: I TOLD YA, I TOLD YA, I TOLD YA (dances)
Lafunda: (runs to the backstage, crying, camera does extreme closeup) OH MAW GAWD, I THOWTH YOU WAS THE DAD, OH MAW GAWD, OH GAWD!!! I NEVER HAD SEX WID ANYBODY, BUT THAT ONE OTHER BUSLOAD OF PEOPLE I DIDINT KNOW!!!
Maury: we'll help you find the father, on the MAURY SHOW.
Announcer: The maury show was paid for by the following.
big dawg: that baby dont look nothing like me.
myesha: he yours, u're the only guy i'ev slept with.
maury: big dawg, you are NOT the father
big dawg: dumb ass bitch! what did i tell you. you need to keep your legs closed, biatch. i'm outta here.
myesha: (sob) (sob)
maury: dont cry myesha. i know you've slept with so many men. i would help you find the father. who's next on your "men i've slept with" list?
myesha: #43. jamal, but i think he's in jail. (sob)
maury: dont worry myesha, i would get him on the show.
Tanaya's Mother: &&#@&^*@@^%$@^@*$##^%!@&#*#@#^@@^@*#
Therefore, the Maury Show is basically a place for trash.