Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas were born in the hospital in Disneyworld, during the gay pride parade. They were born as triplets, however the last two were born a few years later. After her mother was done giving birth to Nick, she killed herself after realizing she wasted 5 years of her life in a hospital. Their father, knowing that he was an incompetent unemployed drunk, dropped them off at the nearest church.
The priest came to the church one day after his nightly visit to the gay strip bar. He found the three boys and brought them in. He decided he must name these "gifts from god". Coincidentally, he decided to name them Nick, Joe, and Kevin Jonas. The next few years, Nick, Kevin, and Joe had to beg on the street for money and food while the priest "helped out" at the young boys and girls club.
When Nick was old enough to speak, at age 5, he whined at local shops about his life and how hard it was. A music producer thought he had a nice whining voice. He asked him if he would sign a contract that would be a great financial gain to him. He agreed, and began recording whining with music in the background. For the next 7 years, his voice grew no deeper.
The record producer realized his mistake, and shipped Nick, along with his two older brothers, off to columbia. There, they were discovered by the national record company, Columbia Records. The three of them made a band under the name "Kracktor", and labeled themselves as brutal progressive black death power heavy metal/polka.
Nick could not do the death scream, however, and they had to change their music. They simplified it to 3 power chords played over, and over. Unfortunately, they weren't selling with Columbia. One day, while sitting by a hickory stump, the devil appeared and challenged them to a fiddle challenge.
"I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too, and if you'll care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you. You play a pretty good fiddle, but give the devil his due, I bet a fiddle of gold against your soul cos' I think I'm better than you." The devil said to them. Nick mindlessly accepted, before realizing he had no fiddle, or a soul for that matter.
The devil, realizing he won by default, brought them to his secret headquarters and sold them to his head company, Disney. Disney realized the potential in their looks towards premature mainstream zombies and threw the brothers in a few movies and marketed them on everything.
Today, the Jonas brothers live in hell, along with the devil and his disney army. They create mindless songs that get stuck in your head until you want to throw up.
"The Jonas Brothers are the worst thing to ever walk the earth. What a waste of space and skin."
|Jonas Brothers videos|
A shitty, pop, rock band that makes it harder to apperecite good music today. People who claim to be fans of this 'band' usually fall under the line of being female, 6-17 years old, disney channel/high school musical lover, types LiKeSs tHIssS!!! and is extremely annoying.
Person 1: OMG I lOvE tHe JoNaS BRoThErs!! Did yYYou sEe tHem oN DiSnEy CHaNnelLL LaSt nIgHt!!!??
Person 2: No, shut up and go listen to real music instead of drooling over people who don't even write/play their own songs.
Little parasites that hang on the ends of pubic hairs around the testicles and deliver venomous bites that turn the scrotum to mush.
Man #1: Ever get that feeling that you can't even feel your nuts?
Man #2: Um...no?
Man #1: Oh. Um, is that a bad thing then?
Man #2: I would think so.
Man #1: (feels down pants) Holy shit! My nuts are jelly!
Man #2: Seems like you've got the Jonas Brothers, my friend.
Man #1: Oh my god, how could this happen? I was so careful.
Man #2: Did you have sex with that Hannah Montana girl Miley Cyrus?
Man #1: Shit! She told me she was safe!
1) Another word to describe cocksucking incestrous gay men.
2) A group of sodomizers.
3) Penis suckers.
4) Another word to describe men who insert objects twice the size of pineapples into their anus for pleasure and don't remove them for two weeks in order to stretch their butthole to its largest.
5) The lack of douche.
6) Tight pants wearing cross-dressers.
7) An anal yeast infection. Highly contagious.
8) Racist bastards who believe in nothing but the killing and deletion of African American and Jewish people. They use their music to hide secret messages from the public.
9) Descendants of KKK grandmasters.
10) A group of Jew-cunt faggot bitches that likes chode down their throats.
1) Nick Jonas: I feel like choking on cock today.more...
Joe Jonas: Me too. Let's go find a cock to choke on.
Other Jonas bitch: Let's Jonas Brothers!
2) Hick: You're one of dem Jonas Brothers! We don't accept your kind around this here town!
Jonas Brothers: Let's sodomize you, hillbilly! You're gonna take it!
3) Jonas Brothers: (sucking cock) Yummmmmm.
Man: You guys are a bunch of Jonas Brothers.
4) Woman: Doesn't that hurt your anus from all that Jonas Brothering?
Nick Jonas: Nope, it feels quite good to Jonas Brother.
Joe Jonas: I need something seven times the size of a pineapple now! My anus is stretched so far if I fell on someone's head I'd literally swallow them into my body.
5) Man: Your vagina's starting to smell like the Jonas Brothers!
Woman: I have a lack of douche, sorry.
6) Nick Jonas: (in dressing room) Are my pants too tight?
Other Jonas Brother: We're the Jonas Brothers. Of course not!
Joe Jonas: I think I lost my vagina in these pants.
7) Man: I have a burning sensation in my pants, doctor.
Doctor: I'm sorry to report that you have a serious case of the Jonas Brothers.
Man: How long do I have to live?
Doctor: I'm afraid not long. I'd say around three hours. It's that bad.
8) Man: Shit!
Black Man: Shit, it's the Jonas Brothers! RUN!
Jonas Brothers: We're gonna get you, nigga!
9) Jonas Brothers: (on stage dressed as KKK Klansmen) I'm sure glad to be a Jonas Brother! My grandparents would be so proud of us!
Someone once said that, given an infinite amount of time, a thousand monkeys with typewriters could write out the works of Shakespeare. As for the Jonas Brothers : One monkey in five minutes.
Jonas Bro 1: Hurry up monkey, we need a new song!
Monkey: HOOO HEEE hOOOO HEEE!
Jonas Bro 2: Holy shit! That monkey's talented! Alright guys lets go record this.
And another Jonas Brothers song is created, ready to receive the adoration of their devoted fans.
The worst thing that ever happened to music.
Just a bunch of religious-wackjob pretty boys in vests and dress-shirts with too much eyeliner.
Someone: Oh my God, help, the Jonas Brothers are on the radio! 911!
Me: Here, this should help! *slides CD "Nevermind" by Nirvana into CD player*
Someone: Ah, thank you! So much better. *sighs and begins to play air guitar to "Smells Like Teen Spirit"*
A band that 9-17 yr. old fangirls like because they're mildly good-looking (thanks to airbrush, photoshop, and liposuction) and sing about getting with girls (and possibly boys) with as many innuendos as Disney allows them.
For example, their song "Burnin' Up" refers to their inability to "get it up" and as a result get Prostatitis. Their other equally crappy song "I Am What I Am" refers to them all coming out of the closet while their song "The Muffin Man" discusses weather the muffin man could, in fact, be a female (with debatable herpes aka "blueberries").
By signing this band, Disney is promoting erectile dysfunction and hermaphrodites. There is possible "Jonascest" occurring within the band and anyone who listens to them is a racist.
Fangirl: THEIR SONGS ARE ALL FOR ME!!!11! OMJ, THEY WANT ME! THEY WANT ME SO HARD!
Sensible person with music taste: STFU bitch, Jonas Brothers suck more dick than a homosexual during Mardi Gras.
the jonas brothers are ball suckers