A fictional character created by a cult that developed into Christianity. Jesus is now falsely thought to have existed and some even think he was the son of god... and god.. at the same time. There is no historical evidence, writings or anything about Jesus during the time he supposedly lived. No accounts of Jesus were written until decades after he supposedly ascended into heaven. 30 or more years passed before he was written about, which was about the average life span back then. So how did a whole new generation write about something they didn't even witness for themselves? Don't you think some people would write about Jesus WHILE he was performing these miracles? Mithras Dionysus share VERY similar stories with Jesus and had cults like Christianity. You should not believe anything you’ve just read, but look up the evidence facts, and decide for yourself. Luigi Cascioli has accused the catholic church of falsely saying Jesus existed. They will have to present evidence that he did. If they cannot accomplish this they will no longer be able to say Jesus existed as a fact in Italy. This should be a fairly large blow to christianity.
Follow Jesus or you will burn in hell forever! jk he isn't even real lol.
by FreeThinker2007 August 16, 2007
Developed from the Old Persian "Yazhus", meaning "Anal Lord".

From ~1500BCE to ~60AD the Middle East was ruled by "Zgenhhus" - heterosexual Kings who spread their empire by impregnating hundreds, sometimes thousands of women in a lifetime.

The famous Jesus Christ (Yashua Bin Josef) was supposed to be the next in the natural line of these, as governed by the Magi, or Wise Men.

However, being agressively homosexual, he instead gained the nickname "Yazhus" (Anal Lord) and discontinued this line, causing thousands of years of worldwide war.

Historical experts agree that the reason of his terrible execution is not because of his flamboyent speeches. It is actually because he broke into the Roman ranks often and paraded around wearing nothing but a crown of psychoactive plants on his head, tricking the soldiers into being drug-induced rape victims.
Jesus, stop it! You're hurting me!
by Christian Sur December 09, 2005
A long-dead Middle-Eastern hippy who smoked weed and fathered many screwed up kids including George W. Bush and John McCain.
My mom told me to do what Jesus did, so I bought a bag of weed off my friend.
by Marcina June 17, 2008
A bastard carpenter who was constantly followed by a group of stoners convinced that he was the son of god. He was born the son of a prostitute (stage name: 'The Virgin Mary') and one of a trio of kings who were present at his birth (the impregnation a result of a failed condom during an orgy involving said trio and prostitute) offering child support in the form of gifts so as not to arouse the suspicion of the husband (he was not aware of his wife's 'other' occupation).

Jesus (pronounced "ho-zay" but interpreted as "Jee-zus" because the bloody English can't do anything right) would take up carpentry as his trade years later after an incident where he was lost in a dessert for a great many years and failed to pass in his admission essay for law-school by the due date. It was at this time that the druggies appeared into his life, lazily hanging out in the alley next to Jesus' workshop. The exact reason for being dubbed the son of god is still debated by scholars but it is rumored that it had something to do with a neck injury Jesus had sustained, resulting in his wearing of a halo neck brace for a month or so.

In approximately 35 AD (Time Paradox?), Jesus was convicted of being a cannibal and vampire after a dinner party at which he supposedly served blood-wine and people-bread. He was crucified and stabbed with a spear (overkill) by a group of hateful Jews.

He was resurrected, however, by by a combination of necromancy and T-virusmancy as a zombie. A great many people died by his hands and he went uncontested for many years (he is credited with the Black Death) until a group of religious fanatics lead by L. DaVinci captured and deported him to Mexico. There he lives today, running rampant and sating his bloodlust by killing goats under the alias 'El Chupacabra'.
"And now you know the rest of the jesus story"
-Paul Harvey
by Anony-nony-nony-mous November 06, 2007
He was the best thing before sliced bread, apparently
he did something for some jews then died on a cross, i dunno

See family guy
In other words
Jesus was a load of SHITE
by Stuartthebank September 14, 2007
Jesus is the Son of God. He was a man that reformed Judaism and was hated for his radical changes. He established a bond between God and his people that has been umatched. Over 2 Billion people acknowledge he is God and over 3.5 Billion acknowledge his divinity. Jesus was perfect in any way, and in recent Godless times, has become a common object of ridicule among non-believers. Praised by Chrstians and Muslims as a messanger of/from God, he established a new variety of Judaism (now called Christianity) which came together in the early 2nd century as the One True Holy and Apostolic Church (Now known as the Roman Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox Church)(110AD - 140AD) and writings about his life first appeared in the first century (60-90AD). Preached against the old "eye for an eye" ideology and taught a new "turn the other cheek" attitude. Later disputes about his intentions with his people supurred a "refomartion" in which many people broke away from the Catholic Church and established Protestantism (commonly reffered to by the generic name of "Christians" in the U.S., since there are many denominations (Lutheran, Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Episcopalian, +32,000 more denominations) to the point where many of the groups are not recognized if called by their formal names). Protestants have lately earned a bad name for their "excessive preaching" to non-believers. Jesus had 12 apostoles, 5 of which established the Catholic and Orthodox churches. Jesus was born in Nazareth, most likely in the summer. Christmas is recognized by most churches to celebrate the birth of Christ (and not as Christ's ACTUAL birthday, which non-believers misunderstand) and Easter is the celebration of Jesus' return to life.
About 4,500,000,000 People believe in (a) God (75% of the world)
About 3,500,000,000 People acknowledge Jesus' holiness (Christians + Muslims) (77% of God Believers)
About 2,100,000,000 People acknowledge Jesus is God (Christians) (46% of God believers)
Of the 2.1 Billion Christians:
1.6 Billion are orthodox Christians (Catholics + Eastern Orthodoxies + Oriental Orthodoxies) (76% of Christians)
0.5 Billion are unorthodox Christians (Independents + Protestants) (23% of Christians)
Of the 1.6 Billion orthodox Christians
1.1 Billion are Roman Catholics (52% of All Christians)
0.4 Billion are Eastern Orthodox (19% of All Christians)
0.1 Billion are Oriental Orthodox or other Orthodox (4% of All Christians)
Of the 0.5 Billion unorthodox Christians
0.2 Billion are Independents (9% of All Christians)
0.3 Billion are Protestants (13% of All Christians)
by Espanhol February 28, 2006
Usually a name referring to Jesus of Nazareth, who lived from around 0 B.C to 33 A.D. His birth is celebrated on Cristmas day. He was supposedly born of the virgin Mary, and started preaching when he was about 30 years old. He went around the countryside preaching messages of peace, love, and acceptance. He was commonly mistaken as a political revolutionary, uprising against the Roman Empire which was occupying the region at the time.

According to the Bible, he was both God-like and human-like, though nowadays the human part is often forgotton. He hung out with theives, crooks, prostitutes, and other people who were deemed "unacceptable" by society. He perfomed "miracles", such as turning water into wine, calming storms, multiplying bread, etc. Some people interpret these stories literally, while others interpret them metaphorically.

Jesus, by today's standards, would be considered a hippie, a leftie, and an extremist. He preached acceptance and tolerance, not racist, sexist, and homophobic policies.

He was not a pacifist. His whole "turn the other cheek" thing is advising people to use nonviolent resistance. In those times, a slap with the back of the hand was an insult, while a slap with the palm was illigal. The scripture says that if someone hits you on the RIGHT cheek... People's left hands were considered "unclean" and therefore they would have to hit you with their right hand, and to do it on the right cheek would have to be backhanded. If you turn the other cheek, you are forcing them to hit you with their palm, which then would be illegal. There are many other scriptures like this one that are interpreted out of context and have distorted meanings. (hope that clarified things)

Jesus died on a crucifix, the modern-day symbol of christianity. The crucifix was a torture device used by the Romans as punishment. Tons of people tend to forget the origin of the cross. He was accused of calling himself the son of God (which he never did), died on Good Friday, and was resureccted on Easter Sunday.
What Would Jesus Do?
Jesus is my homeboy.
Who Would Jesus Bomb?
by Steve December 02, 2004
Free Daily Email

Type your email address below to get our free Urban Word of the Day every morning!

Emails are sent from daily@urbandictionary.com. We'll never spam you.

×