A bastard carpenter who was constantly followed by a group of stoners convinced that he was the son of god. He was born the son of a prostitute (stage name: 'The Virgin Mary') and one of a trio of kings who were present at his birth (the impregnation a result of a failed condom during an orgy involving said trio and prostitute) offering child support in the form of gifts so as not to arouse the suspicion of the husband (he was not aware of his wife's 'other' occupation).

Jesus (pronounced "ho-zay" but interpreted as "Jee-zus" because the bloody English can't do anything right) would take up carpentry as his trade years later after an incident where he was lost in a dessert for a great many years and failed to pass in his admission essay for law-school by the due date. It was at this time that the druggies appeared into his life, lazily hanging out in the alley next to Jesus' workshop. The exact reason for being dubbed the son of god is still debated by scholars but it is rumored that it had something to do with a neck injury Jesus had sustained, resulting in his wearing of a halo neck brace for a month or so.

In approximately 35 AD (Time Paradox?), Jesus was convicted of being a cannibal and vampire after a dinner party at which he supposedly served blood-wine and people-bread. He was crucified and stabbed with a spear (overkill) by a group of hateful Jews.

He was resurrected, however, by by a combination of necromancy and T-virusmancy as a zombie. A great many people died by his hands and he went uncontested for many years (he is credited with the Black Death) until a group of religious fanatics lead by L. DaVinci captured and deported him to Mexico. There he lives today, running rampant and sating his bloodlust by killing goats under the alias 'El Chupacabra'.
"And now you know the rest of the jesus story"
-Paul Harvey
by Anony-nony-nony-mous November 06, 2007
A person who probably had charisma and may have been okay-but there must have been many interpolations by people with an ax to grind and the Gospels are from a hundred years later, so who knows what he really said?
Anyway, Jesus is who Christians sell their souls to for a chance at salvation. Christians give up on their own sense of fairness and kindness and common sense and live by contradictory and primitive rules. Then Christians warn against selling your soul to a mean critter named Satan, an obviously foolish bargain to make their own sellout look better.
Jesus is Lord, I bow to His will.-said by many customers of the faith industry.
by Richard Peterson September 30, 2007
Jesus was a Jew that lived in the Roman province of Judea. (Judah, Israel, Palestine). He was a good man. He would preach Judaism, and preach on some of his own philosophies. He claimed to be the Jewish Messiah, as foretold in the Hebrew Bible. Some Jews believed that he was the Messiah, but most Jews didn't believe him, because he had not proved it by fullfilling the Messianic prophecies. Then the Jews that rejected him began to call him a troublemaker, and the Roman authorities began to think that he was a man that would revolt against the Roman Empire. The Romans got pissed off and then tortured him, then killed him through the crucifixtion process. Then a bunch of Jews that actually believed that he was the Messiah, got scared and worried that Jesus was not the Messiah, so they went and created the idea that he was the Son of God (YHWH). Then upon believing Jesus was divine, then they assumed he was resurected and ascended into heaven, where he will return to earth from to fullfill the prophecies.
There are two religions that believe in Jesus, Christianity and Islam.
by aguynamedandy July 24, 2006
a mythological figure which is central to christianity.

there's no real evidence that jesus existed, in fact the whole jesus story seems to be based on older pagan myths.
"do you believe in jesus?"

"no, wtf. do you believe in the tooth fairy?"
by beeba February 28, 2005
A man who will save your ass when you die.
Don't be hate'n on Jesus cause he is going to save your ass one day.
by oconnell 09 September 04, 2006
The most famous cult leader in the history of the world. Led billions of people (alive or dead) to believe in the largest scam of all time. He was nailed to a piece of wood merely because crucifiction was extremely popular back then and because he was persecuted for seemingly impossible ideals. The bible is no more real than Lord of the Rings or Star Trek.
Jesus: I am the son of God.
Weak-minded peon: Yay! people must hear the word of God and accept a false prophecy that the world was created by something we have no proof of except for a story book!
KK he's the awsomest koolest dude there was and IS. Died on the cross 4 everyone, to forgive ur sins - not that u can sin whenever u want. He loves evryone who has good in there heart.
If u don't u can still become a Christian by praying and asking 4 forgiveness and meaning it. And reading the Bible - it's ALL
true and it's Gods word to us. Seriously go 4 it, being a Christian is awsome and will change ur life 4 better. : )
Dudette- "whos Jesus"?
Dude- "a righteouss dude,he loves u so much"
Dudette- ooooo
by Jesus-is-dah-man September 19, 2006

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