253
God's baby. He was the first baby ever born. God thought he would change the rules a little and instead of Mary, his wife having the baby come out of her vagina, he wanted to be the only man to have a baby come out of their penis. Jesus came from God's penis, and so he grew up to have a vagina. He was demented and round like a hot dog. Kids at school picked on Jesus and called him Jesus the Penis. Jesus went on for about 33 years of his life being made fun of and all God could do is say "Make them sorry, Jesus. Make them remember you." And so one day Jesus got overly depressed, found a Pot Leaf and smoked it with a magical pot bowl. He became high, and decided to build a cross, hang himself up on it, and forced his father to nail him to it. Jesus said he was sacrificing himself for others, but he really wanted people to feel bad for him. He is still remembered to this day, and this is the only proof found of him.
"Jesus died for us"
"Jesus died for PITY"
by Marrrrrs December 15, 2009
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254
1. A mythological peasant supposedly born to a deity father and a "virgin" mother who cheated on her fiancé with this deity, raised by this "virgin" and a carpenter, found out he was his own father and a deity's son at the age of 12, and lived a pretty much normal life until he was 30 years old. Became a magical teacher of morals (and simultaneously promoted some immoral aspects), did magical acts such as raise people from the dead, cure them magically, died on a cross for nothing he had done wrong, and became a zombie that appeared as if nothing ever happened.
2. A storybook character written in four different versions, all contradictory of and in themselves, plagiarized by each of the four "Gospel" writers, edited by the public over and over, all by secondary sources (no witnesses wrote these), who even chose what was real and what wasn't.
3. A recycled myth.
1. Jesus Christ doesn't exist.
2. These stories, to me, sound like Jesus Christ was just a myth.
3. Jesus is a recycled myth!!!
by Kiss My Ass, Religion June 13, 2010
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255
I love reading about Yoda, Kermit the Frog, Ewoks and Jesus
by scroteymcboogerballs May 30, 2011
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256
1. Don't worry it's all good.

2. That is the best or the bomb or the greatest.

3. Calling out your shot or try in a sport that will gain points for you or your team.
1. Yo man, It's all Jesus

2. Did you see that game, it was Jesus.

3. Shoot a basketball then call out: "Jesus" and the ball goes in for points.
by bsbk May 07, 2007
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257
A mythical person just as real as the lockness monster, the boogie man, Pamela Anderson's boobs and the possibility of you having a 13inch penis
Jesus is my home boy.

Jesus is my penis.

Dave: I saw Jesus
Sam: nope, you were just high
by Brodie DCLXVI July 10, 2008
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258
Jesus of Nazareth was a Jewish theologian who taught (among other things) an exciting and sophisticated view of the afterlife and a somewhat unusual theological perspective that God is love. His social and moral teachings (especially those on women) were quite progressive, and some of his teaching was so heterodox that he was considered a false prophet and a corrupter of the Jewish faith by the Sanhedrin.

Most Biblical scholars agree that the one gospel which suggests trinitarianism (the belief that God is three parts yet one- Father, Son and Holy Spirit), the Gospel of John, was the latest of the Gospels. It was heavily influenced by the Gnostics, a branch of early Christianity which has come to gain a bad reputation by most Christian sects, but one which suggested that Jesus was at least in a sense divine.

In the other Gospels Jesus is seen as human, though the Son of God, born of a virginal conception. He says nothing about being God himself, about worshiping him, or about changing Jewish laws like kosher and circumcision (being a Jew, Jesus was circumcised and followed kosher law himself), and the notion that Jesus himself founded an official church (much less the Catholic church) is nigh laughable.

Jesus was executed in the 1st Century A.D. by the Roman government in Israel. Jesus of Nazareth has been dead for over 2000 years, he's not coming back, and he's definitely not the God who created the world; it's questionable he even claimed that himself.
Jesus: I come to fulfill the law, not to abolish it.

Christian: OK guys! No more Torah, no more kosher law, no more fasting and only one hour of worship a week! Praise Jesus!
by A Former Christian December 26, 2011
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259
"dude you like my pants?"
"Jesu! sugoi desu!
by madeeeeeeeeee August 03, 2008
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