The Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult offshoot of the Millerite movement in the late 1800's. Founded by a known con man named Russell who used the "religion" as a scam to sell products such as "miracle wheat." They originally taught that the world would end in 1874. When that date came and went the teaching became that Jesus had returned to earth to begin ruling in 1874 and that the world would now end in 1914! Many "proofs" were offered to back up that date. Most were completely idiotic the measurements of the pyramids and the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem in 606 pop to mind!

However they were caught out again when 1914 came and went! So once again things had to change! Around that time a drunken adulterer actually seized control in a hostile takeover by buying out the stock of the religion and having the original "council" thrown off the Brooklyn property by the police! This self-appointed "judge" is largely responsible for the religion we know today as "Jehovah's Witnesses" (although many of their core doctrines have changed and indeed continue to change!) It was he who banned all outside celebrations birthday, Christmas, Easter etc... He did this on the weakest of possible grounds, inaccuracies and twisting of scripture. His goal was to completely alienate the witnesses from the general population. Make them feel different, better, special, a trick used by many cults today and throughout history. It’s a practice that witnesses still continue to this day!

He changed the dates again, saying now that Jesus had returned to power in 1914 the end was in 1918, then 1925 then 1935, by then the 1874 dates and stranger beliefs were being downplayed and ignored! After all these failed dates they were loosing members rapidly even with the new “preaching work” they were rapidly failing the “Witnesses” looked like they would soon become nothing more than a historical footnote! Around then “the judge” came up with a theory about the “generation” of 1914 and the “generation” that Jesus spoke of! He came up with a slick new campaign spearheaded by a public lecture and a book called “Millions now living will NEVER die” He said that the generation that saw the end of 1914 would be the same generation that saw the end of this wicked world! Thousands of witnesses quit their jobs sold their homes and belongings and hit the streets to preach this imminent destruction! The “judge” also organized an extremely “in your face” preaching style which was intended to start riots, beatings, and fights. He did this so that he could then take his new “religion” into the courtroom and gain publicity for his “Devine work.” The judge was an unabashed publicity hound! He had built a large mansion in California where he lived with his mistress and several other female attendants he encouraged others to sell all and preach while he lived in luxury and drove two 16 cylinder Cadillac’s!

Of course like all of their foolish prophecy the generation teaching also failed to come about and in 1995 the slogan and “generation teaching” was dropped. Many elderly witnesses are now living in poverty with no retirement or savings due to the fact that the end was so near… It’s very sad when you think about it!

This is a big trick of witnesses even today they change their beliefs CONSTANTLY and when deny that they ever believed differently! Some simple examples include the prophetic date for Jerusalem's fall (first 606 then someone pointed out that the year 0 was actually not a year, rather than admit that they were wrong they simply changed the historic date of the fall to 607??? WTF! This despite the fact that there are over 10,000 stone manuscripts from that time that date the fall to 587, which also agrees with a biblical time line!) Changing prophecy, 1874,1914,1918,1925,1935,1975 etc... The ever-changing medical policies, no organ transplants (thousands died from refusing) then in the 1970's suddenly that was ok... So sorry that you had to die! Then no blood or blood fractions, thousands died and thousands continue to die. Now blood fractions are fine but no whole blood (in fact if you add up all the allowed blood fractions it's nearly 94% of blood can be taken just not all at once...) you can eat a burger patty and lettuce, and pickle and a bun but if you put it all together god will kill you... This despite the clear fact that taking blood is not the same as eating blood and the penalty for eating blood in the bible was to 'be unclean until the evening' wasn't even a major sin! This group is really fucked up!

All of this garbage has been disproved so thoroughly that any unbiased person would simply laugh at these guys which is why their number are now on the decline in every single industrialized nation. Although they do still enjoy growth in third world nations!

By and large they are a failing religion, held onto by fanatics who simply won’t admit that they have given their lives to a publishing company… If you know any witnesses give them a hug they are having some hard times!
I'm a Jehovah's Witnesses I don't know what I'll believe tomorrow... That light sure keeps getting brighter!

The bible hasn't changed though?

Shut the fuck up! *fingers in ears* Light gets brighter, Light gets brighter, Light gets brighter!
by mkr32208 April 08, 2006
Top Definition
A group of people who's faces are flat from getting doors slammed in their faces.
Jehovah's Witness: Ouch, my face feels like Kansas.
by slatte November 09, 2006
The name of a religious cult who get brainwashed by mind control techniques into believing that their interpretation of the Bible is better than anyone else's.

It was started by some idiot that got this vision of the world coming to an end in 1914. When 1914 came and went, he then managed to pursuade his flock that it would happen in 1942. When 1942 came and went, well let me put it this way... Anyone who would even think about joining this cult is mentally ill to begin with.

They publish some toilet trash called the Watch Tower and are also known as the Watch Tower Society and JWs. In 1933 their leaders conspired with Hitler against the Jews. Several of their top members were thrown in jail for committing fraud, larceny, sexual deviant acts, etc. But somehow the cult manages to go on. Go figure.

If a member deviates in any way from their way of life all other members are required to scorn them. This is just one of their many mind control techniques.

But the worse thing about JWs is that every year hundreds of children die because these geniuses think that "Thou shalt not eat blood" refers to life saving transfusions instead of becoming a vampire.
Jehovah's Witnesses are the "False Prophets" that God refers to in the Bible. When one comes to your door, just give them a copy of the letter their leaders sent in support of Hitler and tell the bigots to fuck off.
by Alfie The Horndog August 10, 2005
The perfect example of why not to open the door to strangers.
I almost wished they were serial rapists when I found out I had opened my door to 2 Jehovah's witnesses.
by s0x0r September 07, 2005
Students of the Bible who preach the "Kingdom of God." They claim that their God--Jehovah--is using Jesus Christ to bring an end to the world as we know it.
One of Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door, shared a scripture, and offered me a Watchtower magazine.
by Mack C January 14, 2007
A person who, despite all efforts to make them stop, refuses to stop calling, showing up, or otherwise attempting to make contact with another person.
After I dumped her, she went all Jehovah's Witness on me.
by SabineLaGrande June 08, 2004
A rare breed, they usually travel in groups. They can be found roaming through neighborhoods standing on the doorsteps of homes. In the event that you see a Jehovah's witness follow these steps. Close the curtains, shut off the tv, and hide. The jehovah will then proceed to ring your door bell, stay calm dont make any sudden movements, this will enrage the witness but they will soon leave, but watch out they still may be watching.
Jeff: o shit hide the Jehovah's witness are coming

Jehovah's witness: "ding dong"..........those MOTHER FUCKERS!

Bob: that was a close one.
by Avalache2121 July 11, 2008
I was exposed to the Jehova's Witness "Truth," when I fell in love with a girl that was a witness. Although, I was raised Catholic, I was willing to investigate Jehovah's Witness doctrine believing it was fundamentally Christian. Therin, much to my shergrin I learned of my terrible misjudgement. Firstly, Jehovah's Witnesses claim almost an elitist stance that they are the only religion and that they take nothing away from the bible nor add anything. Secondly, they claim that the material earthly goal one should strive to attain is to live a life that is as Christlike as possible. (That is not only in study, speech but also in action. However, if one observes the practices of this so called religion from an objective, scholastic point of view, they will soon see JW's for what they are a masochistic and spiritually oppressive cult. I hope my personal experiences and observations will shed some light on what I am conveying. It would help to print the Webster definition of cult to illustrate my point.
The girl I fell in love with attended the Eagle Rock, California Jehovah's Witnesss Kingdom Hall and had since she was seven. At eighteen she became pregnant, bore an illegitimate child and received a public reprisal which for layman is a shunning of other members of the congregation. Would not the spirit of Christ inspire said Christians to help this girl emotionally and financially rather than close her out. Even her own family was told to shun her. Now for those of you that do not know JW Kingdom Halls are run by otherwise socially deficient men who oppress the freedoms and voices of women perhaps necessitated by the fact there are alot of beautiful women ussually black or hispanic and really geeky looking guys. Now throughout life young girls are taught that dating, marriage with non-believers (any non JW even if he is a Christian Pastor) or fear public dissfellowship which means the persons personal life is made public and noone in the congregation is allowed to so much as say hello to them. Stron Chrisian compassion huh? These zealots go so far as to put these womens house under surveillance and call at all hours taking away from their freedom. Further, the JW cult ensures for its self preservation by enforcing their will through religion as an all consuming lifestyle by making members attend congregation 6-12 hours a week plus field service. Nontheless girls will be girls and my sexy little JW managed 8 sexual partners in 10 years. Between us I have to say I benefited from the oppression she endured because the way this girl went at it made a Catholic girls look like saints. Needless to say a year into our physical relationship, the geeky old elders found out and publically reprimanded my girlfriend in front of the congregation. Her own family cant talk to her. She has to check in as if she were on parole now. Save yourself from losing you life and your soul. The JWs were created by a nutty guy named Charles Taze Russell less than 100 years ago. They have perverted, disected and miscommunicated the Bible's original message of LOVE. THEY ARE A CULT!!!!! If JW's were not full of bull why does 1/2 their meeting revolve around The WatchTower Publication which is a monthly magazine based on men's views of religious issues in the modern world (The have already predicted the end of the world 3 times-idiots)-In closing JWs are a small group of the world population claiming an esoteric knowledge of God's, demanding compliance by its members by use of fears, preying on the undereducated impoverished of our country/world (38% Latin, 44% Black, 18% white median income $20,240. CULT CULT CULT. Escape from the Watchtower a benevolent loving God will understand he gave you a life of your own to live!!!
by Michael Wright July 06, 2006
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