The only country in world history that has a war record of 1-15. With their only war won being the French Revolution, which by a happy chance was a war composed of only French on both sides. Which in theory means that they both lost and won the French Revolution, so if I was an asshole I could say the French have never in history won a legitament war that was against any formidable opponent. By the way, in America if you don't finish first your last. So.....ties don't count.
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States Entering the war late -ed.. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
#french #french war #losers #almost #french fries #war #defeat #failure #could have been #so close #maybe next time
by abuttfuckingweinerlover March 10, 2009
A nation composed entirely of homosexuals and effeminate hermaphrodites, most of which make a living as prostitutes. As a result of this and their decadent habits, namely, protesting the fact that they have to earn their baguette dildos and shitty wine with hard labor by day, and smoking cigarettes in cafes and bitching about their easy lives all night, every war they have ever entered ended up, sooner or later, in them opening their assholes wide and letting the enemy rape them for hours on end. The only gear French soldiers carry into battle are white flags and lube, as surrendering and getting assraped is all they are good at.
"What are all these faggots doing here spreading their assholes and putting white flags in them?" "Oh, they came from France last week."
#faggot #gay #pussy #champagne socialist #tranny
by The Antidote February 26, 2014
A country that doesn't know how to win a war.
Person 1: Hey man. I haven't been keeping up with the war. Who is winning?
Person 2: Definitely not France, that's for sure.
#french #spain #bread #hobo #grapes
by FridayLover May 29, 2014
1 - The antonym of England, and, in certain cases, of U.S.

2 - The richiest land of the Roman Empire (Galia)

3 - The winner of several wars and battles

4 - The land of the Liberty, the Equality, and the Fraternity

5 - Homeland of the French people

6 - Great producer of wine and cheese

7 - Country with the better culinary of the world

8 - Ally of the americans in their Independence War
A English: What do you think about waterloo?

A French: What do you think about Joana d'Arc?

A English: What do you think about... ehr...

A French: What do you think about the American independence War?

A English: ...

A French: How's about Austerlitz? And the Somme?

A English: ...

------------------------

A English: I shall go to France. Then I'll wrote my name on the Eiffel Tower and say that we are better educated in England.
#french #english #american #napoleon #paris
by Someone besides me January 25, 2011
The country that started the Post-it Art craze.

Aka. France, a country in Western Europe that used to be the center of power and culture, but recently lost all that due to the enormous amount of time it spends trying to maneuver through its own ridiculously complex and incompetent government, arguing with itself and the United States, and chasing anything with a skirt higher than knee-length. Between all that it has had no time to do anything actually useful for anybody for the past half century. So instead it contents itself with preserving what culture it used to have through government funded programs.

Its food doesn't really live up to reputation (but the restaurants charge the price for it), the people in the cities are rude and consider running others off the street...oh wait. They're so into themselves they don't notice they run people off the streets. The low wage workers often strike in places that do not affect the government, but do get in the way of ordinary citizens. Their doctors do not call patients back and they do not clean or bath or pick up their dog poo so they are often sick. Their managers have temper tantrums at work (at the places that actually accomplish work). And their public transportation, aside from the metro, is crap.

So they moan that they are not the center of the Earth, but continue to do nothing productive about it. Except make Post-it art.
Girl 1 "Oh isn't France romantic?!?!"

Girl2 "Sure, I love the way that smelly man over there just told me I'm fat and drooled over my ass"
#paris #franse #incompetency #depravity #decay
by qwertyuiopzxcvbnm12345 October 10, 2011
A giant sausage fest.
Weird Faggot: I'm going to France!!!

Smart dude: dude, France is a giant sausage fest
#france #french #faggot #sausage #fest
by Damittucker April 26, 2010
1) france is a country in western europe that does not speak german and continues to have is own culture thanks to the americans

2) france is a country of defensless people who think they are great until they need help

3) france sucks
i live in france so im a pussy!
#france #germany #french #white flager #fags
by hdag34 September 02, 2009
1) (verb) A legal term: 'to france' someone is when you poo in that person's garbage can. If one cannot poo at the time, rotten eggs, spoiled meat and moldy cheese works just as well. You may also feel free to substitute drawers, lockers, medical cabinets and potted plants for said garbage can.

2) (noun) A place often fought over by European powers throughout history... never associated with victory with the exception of other countries helping it.

3) (adjective) 'french' 'frenchman': to be 'french' involves essentially involves someone getting all their closest friends to join them in a fight against a rival group of friends, then quit when the going gets tough. First used during the latter part of the first world war.
1) Person 1: "Man, Milly's was so lame last night me and Jack franced every garbage can in the house before we left"
Person 2: "Dude, Milly's party is tomorrow"
Person 1: "Even so"

2) Napoleon: "We'll defeat Britain"
Continental Europe: "Shit we're on France's side"

shortly after World War Two broke out:
France: "Sacred-bleu, Je ne sais pas que je peux perdre si vite! but on bright side, that was the best evacuation of the military ever."
Britain: "Maggie! I'm on France's side. Hey US, wanna give a hand?"
US: "Nah we'd rather just sell weapons to everyone for a little while..."
Britain: "Whatever, I guess we'll just wait three or four years until Russia softens the Nazis up a bit"
US: "Too bad Russia's too poor to afford weapons..."

3) We don't hang out with Louis anymore 'cause we realized he was the french guy of the group
#gaul #frank #smelly #perdre #perder #lose #coward #surrender
by Jon Wonk April 08, 2010
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