Hello all, (#1, greet everyone cheerfully).
I 'gotta roll. (#2, state your intentions with confidence.)
A personal emergency has occurred, important. (#3, vague excuse that sounds important.)
Joe "Tequila" <= (#4, friendly signature with nickname)
"I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt."
"Britney Spears" (#5 - cheesy quotation under your signature to create distraction.)