YOU: But, I had an awesome time last night and can't wait to see you again.
HER: You were amazing, you are the sweetest guy I have ever met! <3
YOU: Hey, tell Dad that the doctor said that fungus on my balls is only mildly contagious during sexual intercourse.
YOU: Merry Christmas! I'll be over around 5 tonight.
MOM: Oh, Merry Christmas! I love you and your Father and I can't wait to see you. Drive safe.
YOU: Yeah, just wait until I tongue punch your fart box and make you put my balls inside your butthole. Then you'll really think I'm sweet! ;) j/k
YOU: .......I think...I'm cross-texting...............