1. A pseudo alpha male.
2. A male centered chauvinist of highest rapport.
3. Must be a two faced, backstabbing, double-crossing “friend” who will shake one’s hand on Monday and cut it off on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday, shake the other hand in reconciliation while secretly cutting off the “friend’s” schlong with a dull knife.
4. Must be able to seduce young and vulnerable Christian women at least 5 years younger than him that have recently experienced new found freedom and don’t know any better.
5. This young woman must be a recent ex of the aforementioned “friend”.
6. Must be overconfident, unwarrantedly or impertinently bold, and overtly zealous in all areas in life, while contrarily lacking any sense of reason, analytical thought, and plainly, mere intellect.
7. Must be able to callously break the heart of his long term romantic partner by leaving her as well as concurrently seducing the aforementioned young and vulnerable Christian woman.
8. Must lack any sense of clothing or hair style.
9. Must be able to consciously flirt with anything and everything that has two breasts and a vagina while harmoniously philandering the aforementioned romantic partner.
10. Lastly, must attempt to cover up his diminutive schlort by continually “proving” himself to other men through words, not actions. This should typically backfire, proving how pint-sized his schlort actually is.
Friend 2: “Are you serious? There’s no way man! I mean, I know I’m a douche, but seriously! It would be next to impossible to meet all of the Cogswellian requirements.”
Friend 1: “Yeah, you’re right. It definitely takes a special breed of person to get that low.”
Friend 2: “Promise me one thing bro. If I ever even get close to becoming a Cogswell, I want you to personally kick my ass.”
Friend 1: “Will do.”