| 116. | Chav | ||||
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The Chav is a rare breed of imbecile who communicate to each other through incomprehensible grunts.
They can usually only be fully understood by other Chav's and will rarely acknowledge anybody in a friendly manner out of their own 'crew' with anything other than a firm nod and the occasional "rate" as if to ask the recipient if they are "alright today". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Females Chavs: Insist on wearing giant hoop earrings of a colossal size made out of some cheap gold equivalent that turns their skin green. Their necks accommodate the dreaded "Sovereign" necklace with an engraved picture of someone that they actually know nothing about. They like to wear velvet tracksuits consisting of pastel shades usually with some kind of untrue motif on the back stating something like "Princess Forever". They have not done their make up correctly unless their face is a ghastly shade of orange which makes them look like they've been spawned by two Umpa-Lumpa's from Mr Wonka's chocolate factory. - - - - - Their hair is usually one of three styles: 1/. Scraped back into a ridiculously tight pony tail and secured with 10 thousand scrunchies. that went out with the Spice Girls. They then finish the common female 'Charver Barnett' by using 5 cans of cheap sticky hair spray to turn their fringes into a rock. - - - - - 2/. They sometimes claim to have gone to Tony & Guy for a hair cut even though everyone around them knows that they are a crappy liar because of 2 things: a/. Their Dole money won't cover a hair cut in that place unless their kids are fed on 9 pence baked beans out of the tin.. AGAIN. b/. Their hair looks like they used the bathroom bleach on it religiously everyday for the past year. It resembles the straw from Farmer Briggs field that they walk past on their way to the Post Office to cash in their Dole Giros. - - - - - 3/. As flat as a 5 year old's chest with nasty cheap highlights in.. Clearly they wait until they acquire a little sun and then drench their hair with lemon juice and wait for the awful Halloween horror effect to set in. - - - - - Female Chav's have adopted the habit of getting Medusa's (a kind of lip piercing) only instead of wearing nice little silver balls they think it looks attractive to wear whopping great faux gold ones that look like nasty spots pussing. Of course they have to put up any spots/zits they receive as Boots the Chemist finally wised up to bottles of Oxy going missing and finally added store alarms. They qualify for free things like achne specialist stuff but the doctors got so tired of the constant visits from the 18 year old mother with 5 children that they got kicked off the panel. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Male Chavs: Usually find it 'cool' and 'hard' to wear a small gold hoop in their ear or sometimes a small 'blinging' diamond. They wear huge, thick fake gold chains as if trying to pull off that 'Mr T' look. They too, are fond of wearing tracksuits like their female counter-parts only it is of major significance that the sport name logo or trade mark is showing to demonstrate to OTHER Chav's how much of their 'well ace' Dole was spent this month. - - - - - Their hair is usually one of two styles: 1/. The classic skin head 'I'm well hard' look.. Sometimes sporting some kind of bizarre shaven lines in random patterns forming their favourite football team or the Addias symbol etc.. - - - - - 2/. Short and with lot's of 45 pence gel spiking it up. - - - - - Male Chav's like to adorn themselves with anything that they think might have the ability to make them look toughened. A fine example of this is the way they tilt their caps (usually burberry) to a high angle as they believe this increases their style of trying to be obdurate. It actually just makes them look like a twat although they are too dense to see this. They are very competitive in the world of racing other Chav's in seeing who can keep their trainers in the most immaculate 'Snow White' condition, or who can show the most Adidas stripes. It is of uber importance that their tracky bottoms are tucked into their socks as some kind of social trade mark of acceptance within the Chav mainstream. You will usually hear them say something a long the lines of "Wot da fook u lukin at" and "Ya fookin startin? I wil bang yaz out innit" This normally translates to "Excuse me friend, but are your eyes appearing in my general direction? I would very much like you to avert them as I am terribly afraid of anything 'different'.." and "Although you have actually said nothing, I perceive a slight movement from your head as a signal for me to open my mouth and utter wasteful words upon you. I will not actually physically assault you myself, what I actually mean is I will round up 10 of my cretinous buddies and I will let them intimidate you and do my donkey work for me". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So yes, I conclude that the 'Chav' is just an uninformed, unintellectual waste of human life. They continue to produce more offspring which will grow up to be as simple-minded as the previous futile generation. They will grow to be Dole fodder or if they're lucky.. Maybe acquire work in a fast food place. FOREVER. Their aspirations and dreams consist only of purchasing the next ugly gold chain from the market or buying more cigarettes from the local corner shop. They cost us time, tax and tears yet do not show any thanks except only to waste more of our time and so-forth. Anything that is remotely 'different' to them or considered as being a 'minority' is automatically WRONG in their eyes. They are ignorant and close-minded because they lack the capacity to understand anything else beyond their own moronic world. They are NOTHING. ..End.. |
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| 1. | chav | ||||
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Picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). This lad is strutting around, fag in one hand jewellery al over the over, outside McDonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “Whats your problem? Wanna make sommin of it? Bling Bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad pisses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out. My mate has become a chav what can i do? answer is shoot him before it is too late
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| 2. | chav | ||||
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Derived from Chatham in Kent, this term can be applied loosely to every culture with a nasty, thieving element. There are many variants of this creature but all are subject to the following commonalities:
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Chavs are completely Amoral, having never been subjected to right and wrong by their inattentive, uncaring and often absent parents. Chavs are part Magpie, evidentially supported by their love of all things shiny, or as vaccuous, illiterate street-slang would say 'Bling'. They can be seen twokking from the Jewelry counter in Argos/Index. Whatever their ethnic background, Chavs have a built-in affinity to hip-hop/R&B, even if they are inherently racist (see the Scottish). They see their life as glamorous and cool. Chavs are for the most part, extremely stupid. However, some of them render a form of low cunning, which can be misinterpreted as intelligence. However this is false. A Chav has no desire to better themself through honest means nor learn anything outside of car modification. All chavs think that they are nails. Again, this is false. Sitting in a beaten up nova smoking lamberts does not precipitate a healthy body. The irony being that a Chav owns mainly sportswear, yet will ... |
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| 3. | Chav | ||||
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Chav - Sub species of human
Commonly thought to be of inferior intellect, the Chavette surprises us with its cunning plan to avoid taking up a professional career and provide itself with free accommodation supplied by tax payers by spawning multi coloured mini chavs at a early stage in life, usually mid teens. Clearly recognisable by their distinctive tribal Burberry they congregate in town centres and on street corners, Chavs have a reputation of being creative with public property and motor vehicles, building themselves Chaviots out of mechcano sets and strip lighting, and providing us with humorous banta written on toilet walls like ‘Shit’ and ‘Tasha woz ere’ in an attempt to relieve our boredom while urinating. Their language is a basic form of English thus avoiding any words they cannot spell or pronounce, even to the extent of creating new words only they know the meaning of. Hunting in large groups Chavs will single out the weakest, smallest prey and attack it without mercy avoiding any personal injury and insuring victory. Chavs unfortunately don't yet fall into the category of rodent and in effect cannot be bludgeoned to death under the guise of pest control. Darn!- I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you Chavs for the great contribution you’ve made to this country, you’ve made it what it what it is today – a shit hole. also see: Burdon on society.
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| 4. | Chav | ||||
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Chav can be a noun, verb or an adjective. As in “you shitty scum chav”, or “Hey I like the way you have chavved up ya car/wardrobe/lifestyle/language” etc.
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The origins of the word itself are unclear and there are a few theories, perhaps all of them correct. Nonetheless, the current criteria for being a chav applies as laid out in this dictionary and no doubt, as culture dumbs-down even more, the definition will need to be updated. Chavs will no doubt eventually, despite their in-bred lack of intelligence, cotton-on to the fact that burberry and it’s current associations foster great hatred and negativity amongst the majority of the population. This factor however, could backfire, as Chavs could consider the perpetuation of hatred and negativity as a great contribution to humanity, even if it is directed towards themselves from others. The most recent example of a celebrity Chav is Kenzie in Big Brother. (I can’t remember the name of the boy-band he is in – so uncool – but I know it had the word “Crew” or “Squad” whatever, in the name). In fact, Kenzie actually said “no” initially to being in the BB house, but when he thought long and hard about it, decided to say yes as the word “brother” as in, “bruv-va” or “bruv” for short, sounded cool and he thought it would really do wonders for his street-cred. Kenzie is actually white, but to see his clothes and hear him speak, you would think he is black. Chavism represents a cultural link with the Trailer Park Tra... |
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| 5. | chav | ||||
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Oh the simple Chav, what a constant source of amusement you are!
Chavs are the dregs of human existence. They live merely to piss everyone else off with their love of crap clothing and manky gold jewellery. They have taken the wearing of tracksuits and baseball caps to a new level of pikieness. Chav girls (or chavettes) commonly sport the Croydon Facelift (hair pulled back in a bun so tight that it pulls their faces tight) with at least 6 dangly faux-gold earings in each ear. Also often seen pushing a pram round shopping centers while chain-smoking and wearing fake burberry or nasty velour tracksuits. A favourite accessory is a hideous gold articulated clown dangling from a thick gold chain around their pimply acne scarred necks. Male chavs hang around in gangs spitting alot and trying to start fights with small children or anyone else that they could easily overpower (which really is just small children!). Once they are of driving age they obtain a clapped out old Nova or Metro and then spend a fortune (no one knows where this money comes from, it is one of the many mysteries of the chav) "maxing it up" with big wheels, sound systems and a huge "wanker pipe" exhaust. Chavs can be seen in any copy of Max Power magazine proudly displaying their efforts at automotive design - tossers !!! Look at the 20 inchers on me Nova, it's well phat innit! Bling Bling!
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| 6. | chav | ||||
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Emerging British subculture which is quickly becoming an epidemic. Chavs can be found the length and breadth of the country, hanging around any junk food outlet, off licence or just hanging around the streets, where they pass the time by vandalising property, drinking cheap cider, shouting abuse at passers by and terrorising old people.
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Appearance: Chavs have a strict dress code. Designer labels are everything, although knocked off/fake items are almost de-rigeur. Typically, the male chav will wear a Nickelson or Schott hooded top, baggy tracksuit trousers, white designer trainers, and a baseball cap by burberry or Nike. The female chav (chavette) will have peroxide blonde hair scrunched so tight into a pony tail with colourful scrunchies that her forehead stretches. She will wear a dark blue tracksuit with white stripes, an enormous puffa jacket, hoop earrings, and white trainers. Female chavs are forbidden from wearing socks, and all chavs must wear as much fake gold jewellery as they can fit on their bodies. Mobiles are an added status symbol, and when equipped, the chav must shout into it in the most anti-social way possible, using at least one expletive and the word "innit" per second. Every other word in between should be unrecognisable to non-chavs. Cars: Typically the Vauxhall Nova, but could include Ford Escort/Orion, Vauxhall Astra, and for chavs with "bling", even a totally shagged 3 series BMW. Whatever the type of car, it must have a spoiler shaped plank... |
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| 7. | chav | ||||
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The male of the species, the 'chav', is often to be found lurking in braying packs close to fast food outlets or late night stores. It displays a distinctive livery with which it attempts to attract the female ('chavette') - most commonly, the Burberry-effect baseball cap (placed at a jaunty angle, sometimes partially covering the face - this is known in some cultures as 'snidey'); the 'sports' clothing (this is somewhat confusing as the chav is not renowned for its athletic abilities) and countless items of 'bling' (Chav patois meaning jewellery or other adornments). The origins of said 'bling' are various as the chav typically possesses neither a means of employment or indeed any type of education. Chavettes, meanwhile, tend to have hair in at least two colours, ill-fitting tops and white tracksuit tops (usually Kappa). Note their ornate 'love bites': tribal cicatrices around the neck, usually perpetrated by a near-toothless male known as Kev, Daz, Gaz, Baz, Tez or some other monosyllabic name.
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Health and Education Chavs can often be seen smoking - an activity which causes them to spit and cough, but only in public places (see above). They imbibe alcohol, normally in the form of cheap lager / cider normally obtained illegally. This often gives them the impression that they are 'hard' and they will thus attempt to start fights with anyone/thing smaller than them. However, upon retaliation of their prey they tend to run away. Chavs are, believe it or not, to be fo... |
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