Him: <small-inhale> *coughing*"holy shit dude, it burns"
Me: "The number one rule, what was it?"
Him: "Sorry bro, I'm not good at this."
Me: "It's common-fucking-sense, don't cough on other people's shit. If I asked you to hold my cupcake while I tied my shoe, and you had to cough, would you cough on my cupcake?"
Him: "No, I'd hold it away from my face and cough."
Me: "Well there you go, how about you do that instead of blowing the sprinkles off the cupcake!"