(continued)

3. The antisocial behaviors of Bethelite women may have something to do with the fact that in fifth grade everyone went through the D.A.R.E. program designed to keep kids off drugs and alcohol. Bethel finds it mandatory for children to be subjected to constant reminders of how weed will make you drop dead, how playing with matches will end with your dog in ashes, how if you ever touch a cigarette will make you go bankrupt, and how talking to strangers will end with you in a bloody burlap sack buried deep in the woods. The dramatization of these situations by D.A.R.E. is sometimes outrageous, and barely effective. D.A.R.E. has recently been cancelled as a program as to save money for the town, possibly to pay off the debt created by that big birthday cake for Barnum.

4. Bethel has only two celebrities. The first is P.T. Barnum, who is essentially worshipped by everyone of even the slightest political power in the town. Recently, the town decided that it would be a great idea to have a huge town celebration for Barnum's 200th birthday which included buying decorations and a huge cake and renting a presumably expensive petting zoo and a belly dancer that gave all the little boys boners. A superior celebrity by far is Thurston Moore. Thurston Moore is the singer, song writer, and guitarist of Sonic Youth. Most Bethelites have no good taste in music, so Thurston is not widely acknowledged... which sucks.

Tiny little town in CT. Most people that live there are called bethelites.
Where everyone has been to Dr. Mike's and Blue Jay Orchards.
And every kid in town has worked at Bethel Food grocery store.
Everyone either goes to BHS, or Immaculate, and upon graduation at least half went to UCONN.
You feel like a minority if you don't go to St. Mary's
P.T. Barnum Square is known as "the green"
Only one Movie theater in the entire town and half the people that live there doesn’t know it exists.
P.T. Barnum was born here.
Everyone knows where Greenwood Avenue is.
Everyone is most likely Irish and/or Italian.
Everyone has partied Capellaro's Grove at least once.
The most exciting thing in this town was waiting for carnival to come.
All people consider everyone in Danbury to be ghetto.
The best diner is the Sycamore.
Everyone gives directions by saying "OK, you'll cross over some railroad tracks..."
All the Berry kids hated the Rockwell kids, or went to Rockwell and hated the Berry kids
Everyone knows who "Ikey" is
Everyone’s parents fought to keep McDonalds, Target, and Big Y from coming to town
All the kids attended DARE class with Officer DeLuca, but ...

1. Bethel is a small town in Fairfield county. Bethel is living in the shadow of Danbury and basically is Danbury's bitch, moving every town event to correspond with Danbury's schedule. Everyone in the other towns refer to Bethel as Danbury's ghetto, even though Bethel is so much nicer.

2. Since Bethel is so small, it seems as though everyone knows eachother. All Bethel mothers find it neccessary to get together with other mothers and gossip. This however serves a problem for other Bethelites because they always end up talking about their children and are therefore the best vessels for fresh, juicy gossip. There's not much to do downtown, so many of it's children just decide it's better to vandalize street signs and get high in the parking lot behind Burger King. All guys that live in Bethel are bound to be wiener cousins. With the limited supply of willing girls, they are either going to be gang banging or die a virgin. Bethel girls are also notorious for acting really slutty anf flirting with everyone, then refusing to see it through. Most girls are bitchy and pale and and prudish and when approached by men, they think they are creepy for talking to them.