Friend (girl): "Oh god, (bidet
) cheated on me. I can't believe I trusted him! I can't believe how badly I'm shaking! I'm crying so... so hard. I feel like dying. I'm going to kill myself!"
Me (boy): "No, wait!"
Me: "Hold on. OK. I just craigslisted him since I still have his address."
Alex Jones: "Man, someone craigslisted me and I had to fight off these old fat white men who wanted to be my daddy and tried to force me to be their butt slave. Must be the Illuminati!"