1) East Lansing
(or the good ol' ELDF for short, or just plain 'El Doof!')
Belt Tech (Rust Belt
as in 'dilapidated, plain, bland, flat, kicked-in, empty, also-rannish, has-been, the great fly-over
, bankrupt, bourgoise
, un-hip, inauthentic, wannabe, sycophantic
, pedestrian, top 40, et al.)
3) High School For Those Who Missed It The First Time
(... and Second...and Third...and Fourth...and Fifth...et al.) - yes, like
ALL large state universities, it feels that
cookie-cutter, just like
...well...high school. Yahoo! Just think Muffy, I can be a jock
all over again
and it will
be like I haven't left Mommy and Daddy's house! Perpetual boy or girlhood!
4) The Big Block "S" - "S" which REALLY stands for "Safety" -as in "Safety School"; y'know, f'r instance, your 119th choice on your list of top 20 schools (ranked just after
the Wayne County
Lock-Up and just
before lawn-cutting service training).
U. I always thought
the most boyish of boys and girlish of girls attended here. I still do, even all these years later. Want
to feel completely paternalized, unsophisticated, immature, incapable of dealing with
issues well into your forties and fifties? Then you'll go here - diaper and wet nurse, included.
I do not lie. Stay COMPLETELY the hell away from this joke
of an institution - unless you find flipping burgers or running a suntan booth intellectually compelling. I kid you not - that's where you'll wind up. The 'haves' - and the grown-ups
- attend the better kinds of schools with
the better kinds of persons. The 'have nots'- and the losers - get stuck in places like 'El Doof' and learn
how to 'supersize' things for a living. Macomb County
and Farmington Hills, here we come !
"I see on your
resume' it says you went to Michigan State"
"What's a resume?"
"This chicken scratch your
mother(?)wrote out for you."
"Oh. Does it mention somewhere
I get to skip recess?"
"Ah - it's listed as a 'reference.'"
"Cool! So do I get the job or what?"
"Hold on - I'm just finishing
this last paragraph from
"Oh yeah - the Fochers
- didn't they turn that into a movie starring some guy named Richard El Dorado?"
"Oh - right, Al Pacifico's pal."
"I believe you mean Pacino."
"Didn't I say that?"