Traveling folk, up to now have had to suffer the vile indignation of being called "Gypo's", "Didicido's", "Tinkers" and "Pikeys". This is both insulting and rude, not to mention racist! Given the "politically correct" society we now live in and to show that we embrace all cultures, it has been decided that the correct term to use is:- Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travelers, Acronym:- C.U.N.T.'s
Boy looking out of the car window on family outying:-
Boy: "Look Mummy there's a set of C.U.N.T.'s parked up in that school sports field." Mummy: "Yes - and I'll bet the council will get them to move on as soon as they ask." Boy: "Will they leave all that mess?" Mummy: "No, they'll leave it spotless and take all that junk with them, just like the C.U.N.T.'s always do."
Acronym: People Impersonating Kind Energetic Youths
The Government has been aware for some time now that there are a growing number of young travelling folk that have been committing crimes at random. These crimes are often aimed at the hard working people of the country and usually involve theft or fraud. Usually the perpetrator seems to be a nice, keen young person who seems totally trustworthy at first. However, the Government is also aware that they are a minority amongst their people and is reluctant to encourage any form of racism against the communities of the travelling folk.
With this sensitive issue in mind, it has been decided that the people need to be warned against this particular element within the travelling society without offending the community at large and not allowing any stigmatism to the travelling folk. So Police forces across the land have been told to look out for PIKEY’s and arrest them if they are in any doubt about their intentions. Public information films and poster campaigns will be launched to advise people how to recognise a PIKEY and what to do if they suspect there are any PIKEY’s in their area. There is even speculation that new laws will be made to enable property owners to protect their property “how they feel fit” if they catch PIKEY’s on their land.
Farmer: "I got some of them nice travelling folk in one of my fields last year"
Other Farmer: "There wasn't any of them PIKEY's amongst em' was there"?
Farmer: "I didn't think so at first, they all seemed to be nice C.U.N.T.'s or TWATS. But one night I caught two of the young lads from them nicking stuff from my barn".
Other Farmer: "what did you do"?
Farmer: "Oh, I just shot the fuckers. It's legal now. The Police were ok with it and the travelling folk were glad to have them out of there group too. 'Gives us a bad name' they said"!
When extremely important people, such as Royal dignitaries and world leaders are escorted by their security staff, it is usual that one of them will take on the role of BANE. It is the roll of the BANE to immediately take on the responsibility of any involuntary bodily emissions made by their charge. Training for such a roll is long and arduous, often taking place in drinking establishments where large numbers of emissions are released by numerous people. The trainee must make sure he/she only accepts immediate, punctual, genuine and believable onus for emissions from the target source. As a multiple "Pardon me" or "Excuse me" made for the same fart by different people would soon give the game away to scandal hungry media. It requires an acute sense of hearing and smell, leading to a fast and accurate reaction. A BANE must spend some time with the client before commencing duty to accustom themselves to the unique pitch, tone, volume and bouquet of that particular client.
Because of this, it is not unusual for a dignitary to have the same BANE permanently. The Monarch herself has had the same person perform the duty as official BANE for many years. Her Lady-in-Waiting took on the roll in 1982 after the male officer trained for the task 'missed one', an SBD (Silent but Deadly) and her escort quickly took the blame instead of the BANE in a very convincing manner. The Monarch quickly promoted her to Woman of the Bedchamber, where she could immediately commence her training. Even now, 30 years on the Monarch fondly refers to her as "The BANE of her life". A recently leaked palace rumour states that the Monarch never really thought it natural that a man take the BANE roll for a lady anyway.
Acronym: Travellers With Aspirations of Tree Surgery.
"Bill, what do ya think of my new barbeque? The bricks were left over from the house extension".
Hey it's great Frank! Did you build it yourse.........What the fuck happened to your fucking tree man"?
"Oh that, well it was looking a bit out of hand and some Travellers With Aspirations of Tree Surgery, (TWATS) said they just happened to be in the area and would be happy to sort it out for me. An hour and £100 later, that's how the TWATS left it. A proper set of C.U.N.T.'s