Lazonby is a village in the North East of England. It beholds many famous personnels such as Sheila, the bald shop clerk who has an obsession with Cuisine de France, Nylon Sue, the infamous porn star, Russell, the only gay in the village and of course, his dog Smartie. (who he had christened.) The village is full of farmers, and of course, lurking in the scummy end of the village lay the chavs. These chavs like to dress in trackies, Fred Perry raincoats and crappy trainers from Tescos. They lack the ability to speak properly and most have not yet learnt to read or write. I do suggest you stay clear of this part of Lazonby, unless you wish to partake in drug inhaling and alcohol consuming. The land is ruled by the blue party, of course, the Conservatives. This is plainly because the county is inhabited by ill-educated chavs and farmers who know so little about politics that they think Nick Clegg is Humpty Dumpties Uncle and that David Cameron is a fictional character from the Twilight Saga. The MP that reigns here lives under the name of "Rory the Tory" and is worshipped by the farmers and their mothers. He is not as dull as you may think though, as he once tutored the two Princes. How exciting, I bet he had tea with Queen many a time. I heard they're making a film about him and two rumoured castings are Robert Pattinson and also Brad Pitt.
Now you may be thinking, Rory? Russell? NYLON SUE? This sounds an amazing place to live... but alas, it is not.
You have been warned.
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and the chavs of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit
and it goes by the name of Lazonby.
At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
Making mock of the farmers in the lonely zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed...
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of chavs is as wonderous as can be
but there's no place like Lazonby!