22 definitions by alvit

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the Trans Canada Hwy. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a Mountie pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."
- Do you realize that the speed limit on this highway is 75 miles an hour? You were doing close to 85!
- But you were going at the same speed, officer! Otherwise you couldn't have caught up with me!
- Yes, but I had to find out what the rush was as I didn't see any emergency flashers ...
by alvit May 15, 2009
The United States is a nation of immigrants, with residents that speak a number of different languages and have ties to a number of different cultures. Presently, the United States does not have an official language, although according to the 2000 U.S. Census, 92 percent of the U.S. population over the age of 5 speaks English.

Legislation making English the official language would have serious unintended repercussions. For example, it would eliminate bilingual education services, prohibit the use of a translator in court, ban the use of another language by employees of the federal government, and bar the printing of any government documents in other languages. Paradoxically, making English the official language would probably result in less people speaking English because non-English speakers would no longer receive information on English classes. Such a policy would also pose a public safety issue by prohibiting a federal law enforcement agent from using a language other than English to gather information about a crime and question potential suspects or victims.

While I do believe all people residing in this country should learn English, making it the "official language" is not the way to go. That is why I would vote to make English the national and unifying language of the United States. Making English the "national and unifying" language rather than the "official" language avoids the unintended consequences discussed above. Instead of focusing our energies on making English the official language of the United States, we should do everything possible to ensure that our new citizens and residents have the opportunity to achieve English proficiency so they are able to fully participate in our society.
This world without English would be like a car without a motor.
by alvit June 26, 2009
kid
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", said God.

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having a forbidden fruit break and he was very angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?
Kids are the flowers of life ... on their parents' graves.
by alvit May 17, 2009
Here are some good examples of classic church bulletin bloopers:

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr.Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
An office bulletin: If you have nothing to do please don't do it here.
by alvit May 22, 2009
If you start your journey in western South Dakota, Rapid City is the
largest city in that part of our state.
It has one of our major airports and it is located along Interstate 90.
You'll find a wonderful variety of city parks, hiking and biking trails,
The Journey Museum, shopping, and events throughout the year. Rapid
City is the hub from which you can tour several attractions in western
South Dakota.
As you travel south out of Rapid City, one of the first major
attractions is Reptile Gardens on Highway
16. They have educational shows that include birds of prey, alligator
wrestling, and information on various snakes from around the world.
They also have birds and tortoises.
Nearby is Bear Country USA , a
drive-through wildlife park, which also includes other wild animals like
lions. They have a great visitor center that is at the end of the
park's drive-through route.
Continuing south, the next major attraction is our most famous
attraction - Mount Rushmore National Memorial on
Highway 244. There are park rangers who give guided tours; they have a
visitor center with park officials on duty; and there is a dining room
and gift shop at the Memorial. The museum has interactive exhibits, a
theater with films about carving the mountain, a walking trail, and a
patriotic evening lighting ceremony.
Not too far away is a mountain carving in progress that pays tribute to
many Native American tribes in North America. You can learn more about
this attraction at Crazy Horse Memorial.org which is off
Highway 386 and 16.
The Black Hills area is also home to Jewel Cave National Monument
which is south and west of Crazy Horse Memorial
and Wind Cave National Park which is south of
Custer State Park which is a
fun place to visit because of the wildlife, especially a heard of 1,500
bison. It covers 71,000 acres.
Also, in the southern Black Hills, you'll find The Mammoth Site in Hot
Springs, which is home to archeological and
paleontological finds. They also have guided tours of the one mammoth
in situ exhibit.
You can also find private businesses like the 1880 Train which offers
short rides on an old rail line between Hill City and Keystone.
For hiking and biking, you can enjoy the 109-mile George S. Mickelson
Trail that follows an old railroad line in the Black Hills, complete
with restored bridges and tunnels. It winds through scenic landscapes. There are trail heads and
bicycle rentals in several cities.
Custer State Park covers
71,000 acres and is home to bison, elk, Bighorn sheep, mountain goats,
antelope, deer, donkeys, and many bird species
If you decide to travel to the northern Black Hills on Highway 385, you
can visit the city of Deadwood where you will
find mining history and legends of the Wild West.
After your time in Deadwood, you can travel north and get back on
Interstate 90. If you go west on Interstate 90, you'll find the city of
Spearfish at Exit 12. It is home to the High Plains Western Heritage
Center. They have wonderful
displays on the ranching history of our state, including a gift shop
with books, jewelry, and art.
Get back on Interstate 90 and travel east to the city of Sturgis where
you'll find a museum devoted to motorcycles.
As you continue east on Interstate 90, you'll pass through Rapid City,
but continue for 55 miles to the city of Wall at Exit 110 to the famous
Wall Drug Store where you'll find wonderful
cake donuts and buffalo burgers, a great book store, and fun gifts to
purchase. In addition, they have one of the largest collections of
original western art in the United States showcased on their dining room
walls.
If you travel south of Wall on Highway 240, you'll find Badlands
National Park . The landscape here is moonlike
and the spires and buttes are layered in different colors of dirt - from
sulfur yellow to rust to gray. They have a visitor center with films
that tell the geological history of the park, which was once an
underwater sea. You can get back on the Interstate at Exit 131 after
you've traveled through the Badlands.
Next stop is the Pioneer Auto Show in
Murdo at Exit 192. The museum has over 275 cars plus several other
motorized exhibits and replicas of buildings that one would have found
in a pioneer town.
South Dakota is divided from north to south by the Missouri River, where
you can find tales about the Lewis and Clark Corps of Discovery. This
group of explorers mapped this part of the United States in 1804-1806.
The State Capitol is in Pierre, 33 miles north of
Interstate 90 at exit 212 along the Missouri River. The official state
website has the photo of our state's Governor Rounds.
From this page, click on Just For Kids and from there "Tour South
Dakota" for a virtual tour of the Capitol Building. The Cultural
Heritage Center has exhibits on the state on
early pioneers, Native American history, mining, riverboat travel,
politics, and art of many South Dakota artists. Not only is our history
influenced by the French, our state capitol has a mosaic floor that was
tiled by Italian artisans. There were 60 of them and each laid a small
blue-colored tile to commemorate their work. No one has ever found all
60 tiles.
If you travel south from Pierre and get back on Interstate 90, the next
major city is Chamberlain on the Missouri river. On the same campus as
the Saint Joseph Indian School is the Akta Lakota Museum.
They have exhibits of Native American life
as well as displays from many of South Dakota's Native American artists.
The next major city along Interstate 90 is Mitchell. They have a fun
attraction called the World's Only Corn Palace, originally built in the
early 1890s to showcase South Dakota's agricultural yields. You will
recognize the architecture of the building.
About 65 miles east of Mitchell is intersection of Interstate 29, which
runs north and south through South Dakota. You can turn north and
travel to Watertown to visit a small, but fascinating zoo - Bramble Park
and Zoo. They have several species of
local birds and animals plus wild animals from around the world. The
Goss Opera House in downtown Watertown is currently hosting a traveling
King Tut exhibit. During the first weekend in August, the Redlin Art
Center gives a free evening concert and the
entertainment in 2009 includes Sawyer Brown. The Redlin Art Center is
dedicated to one of America's favorite artists, Terry Redlin, where most
of Mr. Redlin's original art is displayed. The building design is Greek
with several gazebos and ponds on the property.
In northeastern South Dakota, you'll find more French explorer influence
at the Nicollet
Tower located near Sisseton, South Dakota. Joseph Nicollet came to
South Dakota and mapped this part of our state. Near Sisseton is Fort
Sisseton State Historical Park
with
restored living quarters, stables, hospital, and dining room for Civil
War soldiers. There are interpreters on site, but it is fun to walk the
grounds and climb the lookout tower. It is located on the highest bluff
in the middle of the prairie.
If you turn south onto Interstate 29 from Interstate 90, you'll find our
state's largest city of Sioux Falls. They
have many city parks and biking and hiking trails throughout the city.
In downtown Sioux Falls, is the restored Falls Park with a viewing
tower, walking trails, and an artists' center. They have an Outdoor
Learning Center and the Sertoma Butterfly House. Sioux Falls has a
historic district and downtown Sioux Falls has small unique shops,
restaurants, and old churches.
Off of the Interstate and in east of Pierre on Highway 14, you'll find
the small town of Huron. If you're in South Dakota during June, you can
attend an Outdoor Expo, June 13-14. There
are over 100 activities that are all hands-on including kayaking,
shotgun shooting, panning for gold, fly fishing, cooking over campfires,
trapping, hunting dog demonstrations, and archery. All free.
There are private art galleries filled with work of local artists, which
includes many works of art by Native Americans across the state.
There are many more towns and cities that have unique museums and
historic sites
Have a safe trip along South Dakota scenic trails!
by Alvit April 29, 2009
WELL, HERE ARE 50 FUN THINGS FOR NON-CHRISTIANS TO DO IN CHURCH

1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class
and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the
scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish
Homosexuals".
3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4. Un-tune the piano.
5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this
seat SAVED?"
8. Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at
Grateful Dead concerts.
9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows,
hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would
you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11. Start a wave.
12. Do cool things with the lighting.
13. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G.
Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh,
Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16. Make up your own words to the songs.
17. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand
up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out
quickly.
18. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF
YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL
IT!!!"
20. Dress all in black, or in camo.
21. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire.
Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two.
Change sets for the evening service.
22. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and
matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress
instead.
23. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes.
Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your
shoes and socks.
25. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the
first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26. Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far
Side cartoons.
28. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17).
Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the
page.
29. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone
asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They
ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32. Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor.
Discreetly light them.
33. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being
stoned, especially Stephen.
34. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate
on how good it is.
35. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece
of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of
me," and lick them.
37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38. Blow bubbles.
39. Fake a possession.
40. Distribute condoms.
41. Speak in tongues.
42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43. Drool in the collection plate.
44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians.
After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of
Peleponnesians.
45. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish
jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came
from Poland, act embarrassed.
46. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word

"Ministry".
47. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of
a wristwatch embedded inside.
48. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new
ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery.
Send the bill to the pastor.
49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon
you!!!"
50. Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address
of the church next Saturday at midnight.
- If you behave like a good Christian you will go to Heaven when you die.
- Well, I've been a slut all my life and I feel like Heaven every night.
by alvit May 26, 2009
Here are some good examples of miscellaneous quickies:

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A quickie is not what you say but what you do.
by alvit May 22, 2009

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