The rare Robairtoe is said to have inhabited the mountainous regions of Norway seeking food and shelter in man-made caves. While avoiding all contact with civilization he manages to invade Canada with a polo stick in 1982 and since then he has been spotted lurking around the Calgary region and sometimes, Scotland. You might say that he harvests tomatoes for a living, but I, such as all other respectable historians in this matter, believe that this is totally the opposite; He eats them for breakfast. But why breakfast? That will remain a mystery for future generations to ponder. He can be decribed with three words; large, big and huge. But I digress these remarks for the sole reason of photosynthesis on his part. Yes, even though he is known to vigorously consume tomatoes and mantoes it is also true, to a point, that he can perform the satanic ritual known as photosynthesis. For what purpose you wonder? I say it's the damn Canadian government's fault, driving him into insanity. We may never know the true meaning of the elusive Robairtoe but we do know one thing: you can't bake a pie without eating a few trees. Robairtoe has been known to start fires and do barrel rolls without warning, so if you see a fire or even a brick, know that even the passenger gets in trouble. Yes, he has his faults but who can blame him? I sure as hell can. The rise in gas prices, terrorist activities and slump in tomatoe production have all been traced to this one entity. But finding this thing is harder than fucking a window; you just can't do it or in most cases, you don't want to do it. Because of his large mass bullets or regular munitions of any type are rendered ineffective as they tend to either repel or start obitting around him, this works to his advantage. I've even seen him swallow a box of live grenades as if they were oranges! Killing him would solve many problems but how the hell do you do it? I'll answer this question by just saying "No".
Joe: Whoa, did you just see Robairtoe eat that tank?
Vlad: Ham sandwich indeed?! I demand satisfaction!
December 14, 2004