If you are out walking one fine day in the north east of england, often Meadowell or Percy main, you may notice one or two strange things. One is the Charva...
HOW TO SPOT A CHARVA:- MALES
An incredibly stupid species, the male charva is no smart guy. His main aims in life are to get laid, buy a car and become builder. In high school the charv male will spend his weekends walking round the streets of tynemouth or cullercoats (or anywhere which he does not belong) cluttering up the place and making it look untidy. He will pick fights with people who are ususpecting and innocent and will make a point of choosing people who go to a school he does not like. After becoming severly drunk on three litres of ice dragon (cider) he will then begin to smash up anything and everything within reach. Once he hits college the male charva will buy or more than likely steal a car and then spend his weekends crusing around in that. The car must be a corsa, have strobes attatched to it and it must have music blaring out of all windows at full volume. They then proceed to the sea front in packs of 100 where they continue to drink (they have to beacuse otherwise they would notice how minging the lasses were). The attire is standard through out the charva family. A fake burberry cap worn at 90 degrees to the head, a stripey jumper of the Fred Perry sort and any type of tracksuit bottom. However a berghaus and a pair of rockports are a neccesity!
HOW TO SPOT A CHARVA: FEMALES...
The girls are easier to spot as they never keep there mouths closed for long! They can always be heard screaming at the top of their lungs in the boots make up department, on the metro or anywhere in north shields as they smack their two year old kids they had when they were 14 and complain about their mothers/boyfriends/teacher/everything.
Their dress is simple, a skirt (which never stays on for long anyway) a stripey jumper, fishnet tights, rockports and a berghaus! They spend their weekends riding in cars with incompetent dick heads who are four years older than them, drinking bottles of bella, or on giro days, lambrini and making more babies with a guy they hardly know whos nickname is 'knife'.
If you hear any of the following please head for your nearest police station or mental health ward. Alternatively you can use some of the follwing comebacks. (WARNING: some of these may result in your immidiate admittance to hospital with a two litre bottle of ice dragon stuck down your throat)
CHARV-Whar Leek!" YOU-"Eh?"
CHARV-"Wot yee looking at?!" YOU- "I dont know but its looking back"
CHARV-"Ahm gonna bray ya allover!" YOU- well could you get on with it then because im late for my judo lesson"
CHARV-"Look theres tha sea! Can Ya swim?" YOU-"can you?"
CHARV-"Arh yee Looking at me lass!" YOU-"Fortunatley not!"