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4 definitions by The Neutral Christ

 
1.
(Pronounced like "Midas Touch" but with a dropped "D").

Having the reverse Midas Touch curse: Everything you touch turns/goes to shit. Also, used for when you seem to be bad luck for other people as well. Often used in a rhetorical question about the state of ones own life or as a warning to other that your losing streak might be contagious.

Interchangeable with reverse midas touch.

See also gilligan, Bad Luck Barry, bad luck guy, Humphrey Hambone

Alternately, LITERALLY touching poo with your finger, not washing it, and then either touching things with your dirty digit or causing people to smell your dirty digit.
See also poo finger.
"A flat tire while I'm on the ass end of town AND no cell reception? What do I have today, the Myass touch?! Maybe that teenager over there with the red bandana on his head will let me use his phone..."

"Don't even shake my hand, Bro, I totally have the Myass touch today. If you touch me you'll prolly have your dog die or your mom get cancer or something."

"My day was going fine until you showed up. What do you have, the Myass touch?
Don't touch that its an antique!!! *crash*"
by The Neutral Christ June 09, 2010
 
2.
An exclamation used when you pull a Humphrey Hambone.

An exclamation used when you screw up bad or break something. Often yelled as you run away.

Usually, written with punctuation like "Glue! I need glue!" and with lots of exclamation marks.

The proper response is "You're going to need lots of glue!" just before you throttle the person for breaking your stuff.

If you are lucky it belonged to someone else and you can say "I told you so."

For a full explanation see Humphrey Hambone.
I though the computer password was 'beth1' but it is not working. All my school work is store in there! Glue! I need glue!
by The Neutral Christ June 09, 2010
 
3.
Variations include: Humphrey Hambone, Humphrey, Hambone, clumsy dog, that dog puppet, glue i need glue

1) An excessively clumsy person. A bad luck magnet. Often, but not always, a person who does not follow simple common advice then ends up getting hurt, breaking something, and usually both.

2) A friend or acquaintance that seems to always need help or money. A loser that for some reason you keep helping out.

3) Someone who keep borrowing your things, does not return them, and when you finally get the item back it has been ruined.

4) A leech. Someone who cannot or does not want to take care of themselves so they keep screwing up. Often a grown up child that needs mom to pay their debts, or a girlfriend that "can't seem to balance a checkbook". A selfish martyr.

Origins: Humphrey Hambone was a dog puppet created by news anchor Pat McCormick for his one-minute public service announcements on KGO-TV and KTVU-TV. Most of them consisted of Humphrey doing something stupid and Charley Horse (his friend, another puppet) turning to the camera and making a pithy statement about what Humphrey did that was foolish.
Humphrey is best remembered as the clumsy dog that yells out "Glue, I need glue!" after breaking an antique lamp that he did not have permission to use (Charlie famously yells out "You're going to need lots of glue.").
"Humphrey: I said I borrowed it without asking. Worry wart.
*big sneeze* *big crash*
Glue, I need glue!"

"Stoner 1: I can't get this Tupperware open. I need something to pry it open with. *picks up a glass pipe*
Stoner 2: Give me that! I am not going to let you Humphrey my $50 glass pipe on a $2 bowl of Cheetos. *hands him a knife*"

"Chump: It's 2 in the morning, and I have to work tomorrow. Why are you calling me?!
Stoner 2: Can you drive us to the Hospital? Humphrey Hambone here just accidently stabbed himself with a kitchen knife.
Chump: Why can't you drive him?
Stoner 2: I can't drive right now. I was trying to use crazy glue to close the wound, but I ended up gluing my hands together.
Chump: Clumsy dog. Alright, but this is the last time I bale you guys out."

"Chump: Shit, why are the cops pulling me over? I just mailed out my registration.
Stoner 2: Oh, I forgot to tell you, I ran over the mailbox and none of the mail went out.
Stoner 1: Should I ditch the bloody knife?
Chump: You, Hambone! Why the hell did you bring that with you?
Stoner 2: So we could explain to the doctor why we didn't use this glass pipe.
Police loudspeaker: PULL OVER YOUR VEHICLE NOW!
Chump: Oh, shit! You guys seem to have to Myass touch.
Stoner 2: Not anymore. I remembered to wash my hands before trying to glue his wound closed."
by The Neutral Christ June 09, 2010
 
4.
azzhat; (plural) azzhats: noun (pronounced with the "z" sounding like an "s" but not quite enough to actually be accused of saying "ass")

Used in public as a replacement for asshole, but usually in reference to someone who is such an asshole that they will not even realize that you are talking about them.

Anyone so hateful, chauvinistic, bigoted, etc. that they should wear their ass for a hat. Usually, but not always used in reference to someone who is willfully ignorant, hypocritical, and/or has extreme homophobia, religious intolerance, or fascist ideology.

See also "Fundie"
That Christian just just spent 10 minutes preaching that Jesus loves everyone then he finished by saying we were going to hell. What an azzhat!

The leader of that country just justified invading their neighbor country as an act of self defense. What an azzhat!

I read that a small group of militant Muslims got Piglet from Winnie the Pooh banned at their office in England because they hate pigs. Those azzhats don't seem to realize that their holy book says that they only should not EAT pork but nothing about children's cartoon characters.
by The Neutral Christ April 11, 2010