A deity lower income individuals pray to when wanting to bring good fortune into their lives.
The neighborhood Wal-Mart is the sanctuary. The congregation is the local inbred.
Oh Wal-Mart God,
Please bring your smiley face to the electronics section to lower the price on the 32 inch plasma television. And yea, allow me to buy the Remington 870 with the ammo today. Dear Lord, I had to take a rain check on the Dale Jr. beach towel. Please speed the trucks to my location so I can have that before the Watkins Glen race. Cigarettes are not on sale for name brand and I pray that you see it in your heart to forgive Phillip-Morris for raising prices. I ask that you help me find my Tweedy Bird slipper I lost chasing Rickey Dale Jr. through the parking lot where I left his dirty diaper for someone else to clean up. Finally I would like to thank you for allowing me to spank my kids in the toy section with no penalty from the local authorities.
In Sam’s name we pray,
When a town or area is flooded and all the people whose homes are destroyed go back in a week later and rebuild it. Many think it will never happen again even though it has occured several times in the last few years. Most take handouts from the government when major flood event happens and complain when they have to do anything to help their situation.
A vicious cycle that occurs every wet season.
Local Official: “Sir, your home has been flooded up to the eaves and there is black mold growing in it. You may have to relocate since this is a dangerous home in a high hazard area.”
Homeowner: “It never flooded here. I’ve lived here 20 years and no water has ever got in my home. That black line is a new decorating technique from France. ”
Local Official: “There is a fish flopping in your Lazy-Boy.”
Homeowner: “That’s my son Billy.”
Local Official: “It smells like mildew and mold in here.”
Local Official: “It will flood here again.”
Homeowner: “It will never flood here because that levee will never break. They just rebuilt it again for the fourth time and it is stronger than ever. You are just trying to harass me. Living by the Mississippi River does not pose a threat! This is all a government conspiracy. I only had water around my house, not in it. Now give me my money! ”
Local Official: "You are in flood denial."
Homeowner: "What flood? It's never flooded here."
When a co-worker comes to your desk, while you are in the sitting position, and stands or positions themselves in such a way that you are at eye level with their crotch.
Inappropriate positioning of the genitalia at the office place so your face is level with someone's junk.
“I had a Crotch Meeting with Lynn today. She came to my cubicle and plopped herself on my desk! She decided to sit cross-legged right in front of my face. I didn't know how to speak to that. You know I couldn't keep eye contact. Thank god she was wearing pants! ”
When an office worker turns on their computer for the day then walks away for over two hours. Thus, looking like you are at work while sleeping in a basement room.
Joan: I haven’t seen Dan yet this morning but his computer has been on. Is he here?
George: He got wasted last night. He is probably on a day break. We won’t see him until this afternoon.
Oblivicate , -or
Combining the terms Oblivion, Pontificate and Defecate.
Speaking about inappropriate things while on your phone or to others. Doing this in public areas or around your cubicle workers. Speaking on an uncomfortable subject even though it obviously makes the other person uncomfortable.
A person sounding off on various subjects at nauseum while totally ignorant that there are others around. Someone so arrogant to the idea of hearing themselves speak that they do not care who else hears their stupid banter. A person’s lack of awareness or indifference to their surroundings. Lack of common courtesy.
Elly: My tampon didn’t fit well today so I sent my husband out for some new ones. I hate it when they don’t fit, it makes me so mad. I wish there were other ways to stop the bleeding.
Co-worker: uuuuhhhhh, ok……
Elly: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a girl; it would be so much easier. Then I wouldn’t have the babies and have to get an episiotomy. Episiotomies are sooooo gross. They cut you on the taint and blood squirts everywhere. Then the babies head is so big……
Co-worker: oh god…I have never witnessed someone oblivicate like you.
Gene- Oh my God! My co-workers over on the other side of the building haven’t stopped talking since they got in three hours ago.
Jill- I know, the boss loves them so much he joins in their inane conversations too. I am afraid he is becoming an oblivicator like them.
Someone who uses a job to work on something other than that job. Someone who lies about where they are, claiming they are doing their job. Someone who claims hours on a time card that can't possibly be true.
A: Dan said he worked from home on Saturday for 26 hours!
B: Really? John said he saw him out looking at used cars this weekend.
A: Do you think he is claiming hours and he is not working?
B: Oh he may be busy, but not at the job he was hired to do. I am sure his Doctoral Dissertation will be the best in his graduating class based on the hours he’s claiming.
A: He's a real programmatic prostitute.