Cut a pine in half length-wise, and then cut in down more on the sides so that it is more javelin shaped.(at this point there should be sap dripping from the inside of the pine.) then have two of your friends hoist your road beef by the legs so that she is doing a upside down split. Then from any distance that you are comfortable with, huck your homemade javelin in to your unsuspecting girl's uterus. Then precede to use it as a dildo.
"hey Jim me and a couple of guys are going to give some girl The Sticky Lumberjack wanna come?"
Are you tired of cooking breakfast, doing the yard work, and having your sexual urges satisfied? if so this is the thing for you! first take your best wood cutting axe (the bigger the better!) and stick it firmly in your wife's anus, then have her cut the wood with her anus. at the same time she will be cooking your pancakes, and because every good housewife is a multi-tasker she will also be gargling your man sausage. so enjoy!
"my wife has been slacking her duties, so I had her shape up and gave her The Norwegian Housewife!"