6 definitions by Shatty Fatmas

Top Definition
A cultural black-hole in the centre of England inhabitted by things approaching homo-sapiens. Notorious for its population's inbreeding and disregard for social standards, Wigston has become one of the top 50 'Chav-towns' of the UK. Not unlike some other areas of the UK (such as Scarborough et al.), Wigston's air is composed of very different substances to the rest of the world; at last test, the pot/cigarette smoke level was at 20,000 parts per million, making the air almost unbreathable by all except hardened residents and chavs.

Despite the fact that the majority of Wigston is a God-forsaken hell-hole, there are some isolated pockets of civilisation, such as where 'the writer' lives and Birkenshaw's geography classroom. Other areas whose population's combined IQ is more than 10 include the public library and most of the local dog kenels.

Places to avoid in Wigston include Willow park, Blaby road park (commonly known as 'Down Souf'), McDonalds, Welford road, Little Hill, Guthlaxton college, South Wigston, the Monsell, Oadby road and more-or-less everywhere else.
"Y'all ever go to Wigston?"
"Yeah, went there last week."
"What'cha think?"
"Biggest piece of POC on the planet. I hope it gets nuked. Oh, other than Birkenshaw's domain."
"Woo! Birko!"

A typical Wigston conversation:
"YOO B'LAD!! Yaz wanna go down 'souf and eat some a'dose firecrackaz?"
"Yeah, boi! Soundez badazz!! Shouldz ahh bring Rahi!?"
"Nahh mahn, he'z dah shit..."
by Shatty Fatmas September 12, 2007
See also Toilet Talk and Spag-speak

Crapper Chat is the name given to the dialect of British English spoken by the Chav subculture.

While the history of the dialect is sketchy at best, it's safe to say that as the chav sub-culture grew out of the slums and council estates of Britain, Crapper Chat stumbled drunkenly along with it. Initially, Crapper Chat was spoken alongside proper received-pronunciation English, but after time, Crapper Chat became the mother-tongue for most teenagers on the British Isles.

Over the years, data shows a correlation between IQ scores and Crapper Chat: as the average IQ for the 10-20 years age-group plummets, Crapper Chat has increased in usage. It could also be said that, as the average IQ score drops, Crapper Chat has adapted and become more degenerate in form and pronunciation.

Crapper Chat's main differences with R.P. English include an unjustifiable slurring of every word (although this could be down to the fact that most chavs are alcoholics), Ns pronounced as Ls, pluralising almost every word, saturating every clause in obscenities and so on.

Crapper Chat in no way adheres to standard English grammar either. Structures such as Subject-Verb-Preposition-Object are often changed to Verb-Object, for example: "I went to the park" becomes "Went park". Chavs have trouble with more complicated grammatical structures such as the future tense and conditional tense, occasionally stripping clauses down to the bare minimum of information required for understanding, but more-often-than-not, they are incomprehensible by anyone, even other chavs.

Crapper Chat lacks any solid conjugation rules. 'He has' becomes 'He 'ave', 'I am' becomes 'I be' and so on. What causes such a disgusting bastardisation of the English language is unknown, but it is most likely the fact that most chavs can't think of the subject then conjugate the verb correctly in quick succession, unlike people with higher IQs. Apostrophes are unheard of in Crapper Chat, partially because most chavs can't write for their (worthless) lives, but also because they sub-consciously deem it an unnecessary piece of punctuation, along with everything else. The chances of finding an apostrophe in written Crapper Chat are lower than the chances of Richard Dawkins becoming a devout Christian; it's not happening any time soon, and at the rate Crapper Chat's deteriorating, never. Showing a piece of written Crapper Chat to an English grammar purist such as Lynnr Truss is a bad idea; she'd have a heart attack, or her 'inner stickler' would commit suicide.

And, of course, Crapper Chat makes heavy use of words which, in standard English, would make no sense at all. Words such as 'Innit' and 'Blad'. 'Innit', being a corruption of 'Is it not', makes some sense when spread randomly throughout Crapper Chat sentences. On the other hand, 'Blad' which is apparently a corruption of Blood, when sprinkled liberally in sentences, makes next to no sense. Experienced Crapper chat speakers' brains automatically filter words like this out so as not to put more strain on their abnormally small brains.

While Crapper Chat is almost unlearnable by anyone who's not been brought up in a council flat/house/estate, elements of Crapper Chat do rub off on people exposed to Crapper Chat-speakers. Elements such as the slur, ommisions of Ts and, like, liberally throwing, like ,the word Like where ever they feel like... like.

Remember, Crapper Chat is the sign of a dull mind, and in some cases, no mind. If you speak Crapper Chat and want to kick the habit and learn proper R.P. English, simply pay attention in your English classes instead of skiving off for a fag. Alternatively, talk to someone from Oxford, Cambridge or Londond (not a cockney though.)
(After a 'conversation' with a chav)
"What'd he say?"
"Beats me, he's talking in Crapper Chat."

"OHMAHFUCKINGODZ, Laak, Ah saw dis gah, right, and'e was all laak FUCKOV MAYN an' ah waz laak YO FUCKOVV, INITZ"
"Sir, I can't understand one word out your mouth; I only speak English, not Crapper Chat."

R.P. English: "Hello there, good sir. How is life treating you?"
Crapper chat: "Yoo blad, ya mintad, fag?"

R.P. English: "Could I borrow your lighter, old bean?"
Crapper chat: "Oi mate, gizzus fuckin' a light?"

R.P. English: "Sir, please stop pushing me or I may be forced to retaliate."
Crapper chat: "WHA-THE FUCK, DICK'ED? Ya bes' stop dat shit now, or ah'll fuckin' bang ya out."

R.P. English: "Sir, you seem to be mistaken."
Crapper chat: "Wha-tha fuck-ya chattin' bilend, innit?"
Hill-Billy: "Ah' you some kinda moron?"
by Shatty Fatmas October 02, 2007
A strange ailment, the spread of which - despite the combined efforts of thousands of researchers and normal students - has increased a hundred-fold in the last ten years. DSS has spread rampantly through schools throughout the country with alarming speed. The worst affected are Performing Arts colleges, such as Guthlaxton in Wigston, UK. Many researchers and experts concur that DSS is to colleges as MRSA is to hospitals.

Drama Student syndrome is caused by a tiny tumor in the hypothalamus which prevents the release of serotonin or any form of mood-altering chemical, or at least any that cause positive emotion. The results of this are system-wide, including a sullen appearance and a tendency to cry for no reason. In about 1 in 2 cases, the tumour swells, causing a severe case of big-headedness.

The most common symptoms of Drama Student syndrome include developing black patches around the eyes, a compulsion to lie about everything and an addiction to emotional stress and complex social situations. This addiction is the most prominent symptom; you can easily discern a sufferer of DSS because they have dated more than 10 people in the last month, and when asked to explain what happened, they continue to talk until well after the Second Coming of Christ. NOTE: If you ever find yourself in this situation, I would recommend planning an essay or something in your mind; when they pause, just say 'Yeah' or 'Ok.' If you're married, you should have had plenty of practice at this.

Possibly the most bizarre symptom of DSS is the discharge of regular metal rings and bars which protrude from the skin of the ears, lips, nose, eyebrows, knuckles or wherever else the skin is loose enough to allow it. Some aspiring DSS sufferers (and there are more than you think, or are wanted) have sought to emulate these discharges by using a glorified stapler to fire pieces of metal into their skin. NOTE: you may seem to see this symptom in chavs, however the metal pieces embedded in their eyebrows or ears are not external discharge, so much as bullet fragments.

Neurological symptoms include severe narcissism, hedonism, pathogenic lying and exaggeration (i.e. 'I got SO drunk last night and I slept with 3 people!' when in fact they had a meager amount of alcohol and spent the night in the fetal position, crying and dry-heaving,) and the delusion that anyone gives a crap about what they say.

'Is there a cure,' you ask? The answer is yes, however it's quite long-term and painful. The latter is no obstacle; who wouldn't want to cause these disgusting nuisances a bit of pain? Cut off their alcohol supply, ween them off any drugs on which they are dependent, delete all their Bring Me The Horizon and My Chemical Romance MP3s, burn their Converse All-Stars (only if they're dirty and covered in marker pen,) do likewise with their jeans - sorry, their little sister's jeans and any clothes purchased from Primark. Remove the hair by any means! Razor, sheep-shears, lawnmower, whatever you can find. After a few weeks of healthy habits and constructive behaviour, they will either die of shock, or be cured and become contributive members of society.

A far quicker and more effective cure comes in the form of a loaded 12-gauge shotgun. The success rate is usually in the region of 90% to 100%, depending on your aim.
James: "Dude, you seen Chris's new haircut?"
Alex: "Oh?"
James: "It's all black and straight, and down over his eye."
Alex: "No! He has Drama student syndrome fer sure."
James: "Yeah..."
(Cocks shotgun)
James: "...such a shame."


(A normal conversation with a Drama student syndrome sufferer)
'Nemo': *sob* "My boyfriend dumped me!"
Neil: "uhuh, poor you."
'Nemo': (smiling through the tears) "I know! Isn't it *sob* AWFUL!"
Neil: "Sure."
'Nemo': "Hey look, some random guy!"
(Asks out the random guy.)
by Shatty Fatmas January 24, 2009
A false identity made up of lies and tall-stories created by people to attract attention and mask their mediocrity.

Emo-kids are a prime example; 9/10 cases, their lives are problem free and they just say their lives are crap to get attention.
"Shit, dude. Mikey's been slitting his wrists again. His dad bullies him constantly."
"Bullpies; his dad's a great guy and devout Christian. Mikey's got a lidentity"

"Pete Wentz attempted suicide, he must have some serious problems."
"Can it, douchebag. He's in a super-successful multi-platinum band and he's dating Ashlee Simpson. His life's way better than mine'll ever be!"
"Sheesh, talk about lidentity."
by Shatty Fatmas October 02, 2007
Leicester slang for 'stop'.

Often used as a verb ('Pack doin' vat!') or an interjection ('pack it in!')

In the case of 'pack it in', the last syllable is often elongated when spoken by children or the mentally deficient, resulting in a long, whining phrase that causes the target of the command to 'pack' whatever it is that's annoying the speaker, out of sheer annoyance.
'Pack it in, will yoh?'

'Pack swearin', yer cun'.'
by Shatty Fatmas May 18, 2013
Oc!
A general exclamation. Pronounced 'Ock', Oc stands for 'Oh Crap!'
"Oc!"
"What?"
"I just realised my girlfriend's a guy!"
"Oc!"

"Oc! This piece'a POC's not working!"
by Shatty Fatmas October 11, 2007

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