Live burial has become a popular pastime for young people with too much time on their hands. Sociologists explain this hobby by pointing out that it is relatively inexpensive and, like tattoos, body piercings, and Mohawk haircuts, is another example of the sort of outrageous and tasteless conduct that typifies adolescent "rebels without a clue." It has taken its place of honor, so to speak, social scientists and other communists say, beside such Western fads and fashions as pet rocks, hula hoops, telephone booth stuffing, and goldfish swallowing.
Edgar Allan Poe dramatizes this amusement in his short story, "The Premature Burial." However, Poe's narrative is not regarded as realistic by live burial enthusiasts who claim that the story is melodramatic and does a "disservice" to their pastime by "making it seem horrible rather than fun." Had Poe tried live burial himself before disparaging it in his story for the sake of producing cheap thrills and earning a few dollars from his ignorant and gullible readers, he would have characterized the experience as rapturous and divine, they contend. Once a year, in a national cemetery, live burial devotees burn copies of Poe's story during a weenie roast.
Actually, like most practices, live burial is nothing new. It was a popular form of entertainment centuries ago. It is a safe practice, when performed under parental supervision or by adults. However, one should not remain buried alive for more than a few hours without proper oxygen supply. If the individual is buried in a casket (recommended), a supply of food and water may be included. For those who are buried after cremation, such provisions usually are not necessary.
Live burial is also performed in Haiti and other Caribbean countries as a means of increasing the labor force. After being drugged and buried, superstitious natives are dug up and told that they have been brought back from the dead. As "zombies," they work their masters' plantations. Young people in the United States are not dissuaded by this practice. "We don't live in Haiti," one young man observed, "and, like, a dude's gotta be, like, really ignorant to join a voodoo cult. Duh! I mean, like, whoa! That's just, like, totally wacko."
The custom of live burial is believed to have begun innocently enough as a protective measure. Wounded hunters were shut up inside caves and sealed therein by massive tree trunks or boulders. Some were able to escape the caves; others, such as those who lost a large amount of blood form the wounds inflicted by their prey (wooly mammoths or saber-tooth tigers) tended to die in place.
Simon Magus buried himself alive, counting upon God to free him before he expired. However, the deity was otherwise occupied and the expected miracle never occurred.
Matthew Wall was on his way to a live burial when his pall-bearers, being rather clumsy oafs, dropped his casket, thereby spilling his "remains" onto the ground. He picked himself off, dusted himself off, and celebrated his "resurrection" every year, thereby popularizing live burials in England, the land of his birth and near-death experience.
It is believed that legends of vampires resulted from the unintended live burials of catatonic or epileptic people who, awakening inside a dark and silent coffin, scratched at the wood, rolled over, or otherwise behaved in an unseemly and irresponsible manner. Sarah Michelle Gellar, who played a vampire slayer on TV, confirmed the existence of vampires, explaining that she used to see them every day. In testimony before the U. S. Senate Committee on Foolish Teenage Pranks, she also stated that "numerous adolescents enjoy live burials as something to do on a Saturday night or as a way to rebel against life and stuff." She says that she has been buried alive so many times that TV and film critics refer to her as "one of the walking dead." Sean Penn has also been criticized as performing roles worthy of a "dead man walking."
Robert Ripley, author of Ripley's Belief In It Or Not, revived live burials by encouraging youth to compete with one another, nationally and internationally, for the world's record for the longest live burial. The winner was Ima Stinker, of Cadavers County, California, but she was disqualified when it was discovered that she'd had herself embalmed before her burial and was, therefore, "technically dead." First place went to her runner-up, D. Compose, who managed to stay buried for nearly three days, subsisting on finger sandwiches, toe cheese, and ribs supplied by surrounding corpses and drinking his own urine. "It wasn't exactly a diet of nectar and ambrosia, but it served its purpose," he said of his meals.
Compose said that he and his friends practiced for the "real thing" by burying themseves in sand at a popular nude beach, leaving only their heads exposed. This worked well in helping them to adjust to spending long periods being immoble, but an unpleasant side-effect was being at the mercy of urinating dogs, incoming surf, and beached jellyfish and "seeing people's private parts up close, from a worm's eye view--phew!"
Parents who are concerned that their children may be participating in live burials should look for these warning signs:
An oblong wooden box, especially one with an escape hatch built into it, in the bedroom, garage, or utility closet.
The presence of picks and shovels in the child's bedroom closet, under the bed, or in the trunk of the car.
A bell attached to a rope (this could be used as a signaling device to alert others above ground to the presence of the buried person, should something go "wrong" during the live burial).
Freshly turned earth or uprooted sod in the back yard or garden.
Unusually dirty clothing.
A gaunt appearance.
The presence of worms, maggots, or lice in the bed, bedclothes, or shower stall, or on the child's person.
Prolonged periods of inactivity.
Pronounced or frequent nightmares.
Soiling undergarments or bedwetting.
A sudden interest in God, angels, demons, heaven, or hell.
A last will and testament.
Famous people who practice(d) live burial include Bill Gates, the Pope, and Thomas Jefferson
The New Joysee government is known for being incredibly corrupt. This has been a trend ever since Satan was elected as governor of the state in 1917 when he claimed that his opponent, Jesus, had once been issued the death penalty due to a recorded criminal record.
Today, the members of the New Joysee State Senate eat at least 5 children a day, and the Govenor generally eats at least 7, though one day he once ate 24 in one sitting, fulfilling a dare in a childish attempt to impress his wife.
"In all honesty, the government is run by the Mafia," reported an actual Jersey resident quote. Unfortunately the resident and the reporter went "missing" shortly thereafter.
New Joysee was the 41st state in the United States of America. The state slogan was "The Armpit of America!", now "The Fabulous Armpit State!". As of 10/01/07 the capitol is New Joysee City.
Created when the Old Joysee was cast beneath the sea by the god Poseidon, the City-State of New Joysee is a scientifically formulated mixture of cow cheese, old fashioned blue-collar values, and fungally festooned ferret felt, best enjoyed while enjoying romance under a full moon listening to muskrat love. In some mythologies, New Joysee is the land of Paradise, the Garden of Alden, even. However, such stories are generally believed only by hopelessly psychotic homeless people who wander the streets of Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
Note: Only fucking New Yorkers say New Joysee. New Jersey is a lot cleaner than other states because all of our trash is in Atlantic City, Trenton, Newark, Jersey City, and Camden where the gates of hell are located. In order to live in New Jersey One must be one of the folowing: Italian, Sicilian, Jewish, Irish, German, or Catholic, and Indians may live in central Jersey only. If you meet none of these standards, then you are to be wacked. Another little-known fact is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning, and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into the north and the south. The North is the land of polution and crime and the south is farms, trees, the shore, and a dumping spot for bodies. All people in New Jersey live in fear of three things: the mafia, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. All New Jersey residents would also like to close down Olive Garden because they cannot make gravy for crap. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections, placing a tax burden on the medagons who should get the fuck out of New Jersey. Another little- known fact is that in Vineland (pronounced vine-lin) black people are some of the best members of the "clan". In order to become a resident of any shore town you need to "qatch the tram car, please". It is important also to mispronounce certain words, such as "woulder", the biggest debate in history. In "SJ" the Avenue is what it is all about. You also are required to live withen one half-hour of a mall, within 2 minutes of a Wawa, and within 500 yards of 20 Dunkin' Donuts locations.
According to Weird Al Yankovic, New Joysee sucks.
As of 1991, performing a left turn in an automobile at any given moment in New Joysee is prohibited, punishable by eighteen consecutive life sentences, being sent back in time 2 weeks by way of the Turnpike, and a make-over involving really, really big hair. The cars in New Joysee protested this law, and Christine Whitman, the local demon, jacked up car insurance rates in revenge. This is why auto insurance in New Joysee is so high.
Amongst the things to do in New Joysee:
Engage in self-loathing and general misanthropy
Sit in traffic
Curse your fellow man
Curse your government
Go to to see some shitty emo band
Make a left turn using a jug-handle
Say the eighteen consecutive life sentences out loud and thus be freed (along with two Hail Marys and a Rama Ding Ding)
Circles in the road... that magically turn into triangles... which amazingly are harder to navigate than the circle.
New Joysee has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".
Places in New Joysee include
Geritolopolis, New Joysee
The Sunken Ruins of Old Joysee
South Jersey (not related)
The New Joysee Turnpike... a.k.a. "The Road from HELL!"
Edison, New Joysee
Moonachie, New Joysee
Newark, New Joysee
Kansas, New Joysee
Montvale, New Joysee
North Caldwell, which gets into endless sissy fights with the town of Your Mom.
The College of New Joysee
The Gates of Hell
Nick Sereda's house (The palace of dead cats).
New Joysee lost all of its sports teams to the non-existent New York. Thusly, the only sports team you will find in New Joysee is the New Joysee Turnpikers.
The New Joysee Turnpikers play right in the middle of exit 159 and 159b, right where that awful stench keeps happ'nin.
New Joysee is home to several species of tree.
New Joysee is also home to many musicians and people who pretend to be musicians, such as Bruce Springsteen, who despite all his riches still writes songs, and the tireless pedophile rights group and advocate for man-boy love and large hair, Bon Jovi. Les Claypool isn't from NJ but my mom thinks he is.
Bruce Willis, long rumored to possibly be some kind of actor, also hails from Hoboken, New Jersey, known for his roles in countless motion pictures where he expertly and tirelessly plays the same anti-hero bad-ass character over and over again and refuses to shave more than once a week.
The wild Indians of New Joysee populate many of the native conveniance stores and low-budget condos of joysee suberbs.
Um, don't forget Meryl Streep.
Other people include:
Gerard Way,the well known Mikey Jackson impersonater.
The following list of people have embarrassed the state of New Joysee beyond repair. The are no longer allowed to cross the border and come home for any reason.
The Menendez Brothers
Taking Back Sunday
(Okay, I'm kidding about the Menendez Brothers.)
Roads in New Joysee
Route 206, also known as the road that is always backed up is a popular favorite. Come and sit in traffic and marvel at how congested the road is!
Route 80, the road that goes all the way to California. Always backed up in the direction you are going in only. The other side is magically free of traffic.
Route 287 is another popular road. However, this road goes nowhere and does little of interest, so ignore it, please. Route 95 is a road that defies all logic in New Joysee. Notice the mile numbers. Notice how they randomly go up and down. Notice how if you are on I-95 North, somehow you end up on I-295 south and if you are on I-95 South you end up on I-295 North? If it isn't clear by now, I-95 in New Joysee was planned out by Hitler. Also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy is Route 130, which randomly joins with Route 295 in the southern area to try to have a four-way orgy with Route 40 and the New Joysee Turnpike at the Delaware Memorial Bridge.
Route 23 goes into New York. Literally, the only highway with nothing on it. Let's just avoid route 23.
Route 22 must be seen to be believed. It is actually a drive-thru megamall and boasts the highest daily accident rate of any road in the country. Also, a good road on which to hotbox while driving to Melody, Pennsylvania to buy relatively cheap cartons of cigarettes... or in the either direction towards... Route 1-9 and the ensuing Pulaski skyway, the central vein of the armpit, deep within the 'Joisey Smell' zone proper. This will bring you quickly within sight of the signs for the Holland Tunnel, where you will sit in traffic for exactly long enough to miss whatever it was for which you wanted to enter New York/escape Joisey. It's generally a good idea to bring along some food, water, and a container suitable for the deposit and storage of bodily waste, when one is daring enough to try this route.
Route 666 goes through the Pinebarrens. An area which if lost you could go for days without encountering a single sign of human life, drive past the gates of hell, and be killed by the Jersey Devil.
Route 40 is known for constantly being in construction when it never really needed it in the first place. Why they felt the need to make it wider will forever be a mystery. The constant construction is attributed to the workers ripping up the roads and then being wacked before they are able to complete the job.
"Wait a tick. They have a NEW Jersey now?"
"Joysee girls ain't trash... trash gets picked up!"
"A really lovely state, very convenient, to the south of Hell."
The Chair... er, I mean AIR Force are those guys who wear BDUs like the Army, but are too good for guns. The Air Force is organized into Commands, Wings, Groups, Squadrons, and Flights (just to remind people that even if only a small fraction of the service is represented by pilots, the Air Force is all about planes). If at all possible they prefer to stay in the break room and watch TV for the better part of their work day. Many nations have Air Forces.
Get off your lazy asses and go bomb those SOB terrorists!!! Oh wait, we are grilling burgers and watching cable, then closing up early for the four day weekend. Maybe later.
An Air Force is a force composed largely of air. So much air, in fact, that it barely qualifies as a "force".
Ontario AKA the best province, is the largest province of Canada, larger than the other two provinces of Vancouver and Montreal by leaps and bounds. It is nestled comfortably in between Swaziland and Quebec. It's really a boring place and every city gets abbreviated to -dot, like T-dot for Toronto and H-dot for Hamilton.
There's no poontang like Ontario poontang.