Otherwise known as OCD. A medical disorder prevalent in females and luckier transsexuals, whereby the clitoris oscillates (moves across one-dimension) of its own accord. Two variations of the disorder exist, horizontal and vertical OCD though the vertical OCD is much rarer and generally (i.e. 78.3% of cases) affects russian teenagers (the remaining being split between Israeli-Palestinian mixed race women and Romany gypsies). As yet, no cause has been determined, nor has the trigger of OCD events but sufferers coming within 100m of Julio Iglesias will often experience extreme symptoms. No cure has been found but the Oscillating Clitoris Disorder Foundation exists to seek a remedy to this disturbing ailment, the patron of this charity is Noel Edmonds.
Katie: "I think you just got a text."
Hannah: "No, I just have Oscillating Clitoris Disorder."