Pretty much everyone who bashed metal here has probably only listened to false bands like Slipknot. Most of the definitions about how metal sucks were extremley biased. Because I'm bored, I'm going to dissect this bullshit definition.
"Can you sing about something else besides Satan?"
Groups like Nuclear Assault and Sacred Reich sang about the government and war. In fact, I don't even think those bands sing any songs that go like "HAIL SATAN!". There's other bands who sing about that too. I've also heard many other metal songs about ancient Egypt, medievel times, etc etc (most notabley with Iron Maiden)
"Can you sing at all?"
Rob Halford can hit a 5th octave. Nuff said. Oh and I also suggest Iron Maiden, Edguy, Dream Theater, Hammerfall, Blind Guardian, Helloween...
"Can you not be such goth fucktards?"
Goth fucktards? Leather, spikes, and chains are hardly gothic. Gothic metal is it's own genre, and I'm not referring to "z0mg im so gawthik" bands like Slipknot and Korn, I'm talking about bands like Type-O-Negative, Paradise Lost, etc.
"Can you focus more on music and maybe write some non-retarded lyrics and maybe get someone who can actually sing to sing them?"
Again, using Iron Maiden as an example, alot of their songs are about history, and they aren't the only ones who do so...and refer to the list of bands above who can actually sing.
"Can you make it a little more normal and a little less like goth vampire shit?"
Refer to what I said about gothic metal
"Can you make it a little more closer to rock & roll?"
I hear alot of influences from early rock and roll in groups like Raven, Motorhead, Anvil, Tygers Of Pan Tang, Exciter.
"Can you go five seconds without mentioning Satan?"
Refer to my first answer.
"^And why the fuck do you do that anyways in the first place?"
Bands who DO sing about Satan do it for the same effect as a horror movie. Sure, some if it is cheesy as hell (like Venom for example), but that doesn't mean theres anything wrong with enjoying it.
"Do you even know the difference between something that sounds like shit and noise and mud vs. something that actually sounds good?"
That's a little subjective now...
Before you bash heavy metal, look more into it...