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28 definitions by McCririck's unlucky Laundress

 
1.
Noun: A bubble of blackened blood trapped under the skin, as is caused when one traps a web of skin in a mousetrap, hits it with a hammer or similar. White kids in the 1970s said it.
Adult: "Ouch! I've given myself a black man's pinch in the edge of that drop-leaf dining table."
Child: "That phrase is outdated and pejorative to black people. Please don't use it again."
Adult: "You're right. I'm sorry. What should I say instead."
Child: "Subcutaneous haematoma would be both the medically and politically correct term for such a contusion."
Adult: "Thank you for making me a better human being. By the way, what would be the medically and politically correct term for such a contusion as would be caused by a hefty clip round the ear?"
Child: "You appear to be condoning an act of physical abuse toward a minor. I'm calling Social Services."
by McCririck's unlucky Laundress September 15, 2005
 
2.
Noun: Short form of 'off licence'.
A British pub has an 'on' licence (licenced to sell intoxicating liquor for consumption ON the premises). They used to also have a little hatch where you could buy drink to take away and this had an 'off' licence. All such purchases had to be consumed off the premises.
Nowadays Britons buy their take-out booze in a shop which is unconnected to any pub. These shops have to apply for the same 'off licences' from local magistrates and have retained the name.
Look at the time! It's wifebeater o'clock. Should I go and drink sociably and responsibly with mature friends in the pub and then return home in a quiet, orderly fashion without vandalising or vomiting; or shall I go down the offie and buy some dangerous-looking lager, go home and get wankered - all sorry and lonesome; vandalise my own home and vomit in every room?
by McCririck's unlucky Laundress September 16, 2005
 
3.
Noun: An American. Cockney rhyming slang: Sherman Tank - Yank. Real Cockney rhyming slang only uses the first word, which sounds nothing like the thing being referred to in the rhyme so secrecy is preserved.
I went to fight the sausage munchers and when I came back with my legs blown off my bird had been stolen by a fuckin' Sherman.
by McCririck's unlucky Laundress September 12, 2005
 
4.
Adjective. Extremely flat. A witch is traditionally considered not to be the model of fertility and, as such to be less than buxom.
Norfolk is a very windy county but that is not surprising -it is flatter than a witch's tit.
I turned the key but, having left the radio on all night the battery was as flat as a witch's tit.
by McCririck's unlucky Laundress September 16, 2005
 
5.
Noun: Spunk, jism, come baby gravy. There is actually a brand of anchovy paste in Britain called The Gentleman's Relish - Patum Peperium. Coincidentally, it's rather salty.
Do you like the taste of Gentleman's Relish, babe?
Don't know, never tried it.
Open wide. What's your name by the way?
by McCririck's unlucky Laundress September 12, 2005
 
6.
Adjective: Very rough, either literally, as in an unshaven gentleman's chin or figuratively as in uncivilised or things or behaviour.
"The people who moved in next door have parked their tarmac wagon across our drive again and stolen all the apples off our tree."
"Good gracious, they're as rough as a badger's arse."
by McCririck's unlucky Laundress September 21, 2005
 
7.
Proper noun: Frenchified form of Penge, a south London suburb which is full of pikeys and as rough as a badger's arse. It has recently enjoyed an influx of gentrifiers who are desperately talking the area up. If pronounced 'ponjay' (with a very soft 'j') an estate agent will add £2500 to the price of your crack den with a blocked toilet.
Laurent and Guy bake these oat-sprinkled baguettes every morning in their boulangerie in the bohemian quarter of Pengé.
Mmmm. Such a wealthy bouquet. Wait! They're identical to the ones I buy from Tesceaux in Croix Nouveau!
by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 02, 2005