A vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self expression, but they can assume many seductive forms.
1) The pigmy vampire:
Will swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:
"Your teeth need whitening."
"You went to state school?"
"You sound weird."
"Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris did it before you and better than you."
"You cannot sing good enough to be in a musical."
2) The air freshener vampire:
She might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny.
She smells something unpleasant in what you’re creating and will urge you to spray it up with some pine fresh smell ’em ups. The air freshener vampire doesn’t want you to write about bad language, blood, or blow jobs.
She wants you to clean it up and clean it out which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless, but you’ll be left with two tight paragraphs of kittens that your grandma would be so proud of.
3) The vampire of despair:
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
"Who do you think you’re kidding?"
"You look like a fool."
"No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough."
Sally: My mom won't let me be in Bare just because it curses!
John: Ew, what a vampire!
Something that sounds like a good idea but thirty minutes later you’re hungry for something a little meatier.
HUNTER: I’m getting nervous that our play is a little doughnuts for dinner. I mean I don’t want this to be just sketches and novelty songs strung together.
I want there to be substance, not just fluff.
Not that there’s anything wrong with fluff,
but I wanna strive for something that makes people really pay attention.
You know what I mean?
SUSAN: Uh… I totally stopped listening.