A laptop computer ages sixteen years for every human year.
"Dad, I NEED a new laptop! This one is already two years old. That's THIRTY-TWO in laptop years! I can't go to high school with thirty-two-year-old laptop."
"Yeah, my laptop is five years old. That's EIGHTY in laptop years. Sure, she's grumpy and slow, but I'm used to the keyboard and I know where all my programs are. It's like this old La-Z-Boy: molded to my butt."
A romantic date that one, both, or third parties later deny counted as a date at all.
"Jasmine is hot, but the second she started talking it was a null date."
"Snodgrass said he took me out? Ew, no! Laser Tag nullified that date!"
A vehement monologue that sounds, looks, and smells like a rant, but in which only positive things are said.
...and I'll tell you what else! There is absolutely no fucking reason you should not put on that goddamn bikini and walk around like you own the fucking place because you are a hundred times hotter than you realize and the sooner you fucking own that the sooner the rest of us can start feeling properly jealous and/or lustful toward you, and the sooner -- don't you walk away from my happyrant!