1. Keep Portland and Oregon WEIRD. Check, the place is full of weirdos, especially in Portland, Eugene, and Ashland, to name a few choice spots. We'll riot over anything. We'll break windows, close the freeways, fight you, spit on you, whatever, because our point of view is correct and everyone else sucks, including you.
2. Drive 10-15 mph under the speed-limit. Check. Two roads have speed limits of 65, I-5 and I-84. Everything else is 50 or under, with most roads being between 25-40 mph. Ah, but the traffic here isn't as bad as it is in L.A. or SF. That's right, but when it takes you 30 minutes to go 12 miles or less, you have to wonder what is up. Of course, these single-lane roads with the locals driving 10-15 mph under the speed limit ain't helpin'. Basically, everything crawls here. You aren't going anywhere. Besides, we don't like cars. In fact, we have SUV's so much, we have been known to vandalize them and torch them in both Portland and Eugene. What do you think of that, skippy?
3. We are proud of our extremist politics! Check. People here claim that there is a rift between right and left. That's not true. The Left runs the show. They control the state house and senate, the governor's office, the Judiciary, and most executive offices such as the AG and Sec'y of State, etc. Additionally, they control all of the cities, oops, I meant city. There really is only one city here. That would be podunkland, er, uh, portland. Where's the right? Oh, you mean those "simple" people out on the other side of the mountains? Well, they may be hillbillies, but they are hardly right-wing extremists. The only extremism that exists here is Left-wing extremism, and Oregon is known for this brand of politics. And let's not talk about political correctness. Don't even think of mentioning the word "illegal alien." They are "Hispanics." Of course, I wonder what the citizen Hispanics would think of being grouped in with "illegal aliens." Doubt anyone has bothered to ask, because at the end of it all, no one here really gives a damn about anyone but themselves. They only give a damn about their politics and forcing their values, beliefs and politics down your throat. Welcome to Oregon. The simple retort, however, is a hearty SCREW YOU!
4. Don't mess with us. Check. Your neighbors and police will watch you here like a hawk. No criminal record required. It isn't enough that you to do your share by working hard and raising your kids to be respectful of others as well as themselves, but you have to deal with neighbors that watch you. You may never see these neighbors, because as alluded to above, people live indoors here. They are so used to being inside all the time that even when the temp is a balmy 80 degrees on a sunny day (rare, I know), people still don't come out.
5. Road Rage. Check, yeah, we have that. Everyone here will flip you off, including little old ladies. Don't screw with us, man. We aren't afraid of anything. Of course you have never had someone pull a gun out on you and scare the living crap out of you. This is a socialist utopia here. That stuff doesn't happen. And people scratch their heads when it does? No clue of the real world exists here. Everything you see isn't real. It may be real to those trying to create it here, but it isn't real outside of the Pacific Northwest.
6. We are "green." Everything here is about how "green" you are, even living in a crapbox house that you wouldn't find in any other part of the country. You are squeezed onto a tiny parcel of land in a house that is so poorly built that your frame will probably rot. And the price of this? Well, you'll need about a good $350k to START. Bear in mind, there are no geographic limitations here causing people to pack themselves in like little rats (unlike say, NYC, SF, New Orleans, etc). It's all government forced because we are trying to "preserve" farms and greenspace. Nevermind the fact that many farmers would be happy to sell their land. Well, that is socially undesirable, so we aren't going to let that happen. We don't believe in private property here. Your property is our property. If you don't like it, leave. -Signed, your Oregon governments!
7. We don't like alcohol here. Check. Oregon makes it so difficult to get booze as to make it practically banned. I have to drive 5 miles to go get any alcohol other than beer and wine. (Let us not forget that there is great hostility here towards automobiles, so the argument would be that I shouldn't be drinking the stuff - that way I could save the environment while saving myself. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.) In a 10 mile radius of me, I know of 2 liquor stores. These stores have limited hours and all of their booze come from a single state warehouse in some backwater of Oregon. That would be Salem. The result of this? Extremely high prices, and if you don't go out at the right time, you are SOL. You better hope Christmas doesn't fall on a Saturday because if it does, you are in trouble. The store will close very early on Friday, will be closed on Saturday and Sunday, thus leaving you with a dry weekend. Idiots.
8. Speaking of Christmas, we don't celebrate that here. Check. The only Christmas celebration will be the one in your crappy house or meth-infested apartment. That's right. I've actually encountered people who say "Happy Winter Solstice." Funny, these same people don't say "Happy Summer Solstice." I wonder why. Could it be that they are trying to make a political statement around Christmas time? Nah, not here. Only extremists would do that and we don't have any of that foolishness here.
9. Speaking of meth, the meth is so bad here that if you need pseudoephedrine, you can't get it without a doctor's prescription. And when you do get the rx, the price of the drug is double to triple what it would cost in the free-flowing markets that you would find just to the north or south. (For those of you unsure where Oregon actually is, that would be Washington and California.) At my local pharmacies down in California, I have had both of my pharmacists come right out and tell me about the weirdos from Oregon showing up trying to score ephedrine for their meth operations. Shows you how bad the problem is here and how restrictive the government is willing to be to deal with it. Pay no attention to the fact that 99% of the population is not making meth, we, the state who knows what is best for you, are going to regulate the crap out of all of you. Thanks for giving us the authority to do so - whether you like it or not. In fact, we used to have 20 mph school zones that operated 24/7/365! Oh, happy days.
10. But our natural beauty is so great. Check, but don't partake unless you like to ski. The ocean? You can't swim in it as it is too cold. The gorge, ditto, plus there is very little sun up in there. And once you have seen these places once, when you can see them as in when it is not raining 200 days out of the year, you've seen it all. Next? Oh, wait, there is no next. Of course, there's always meth to pass the days.
10. We like the idea of safe communities. Check. Well, the roads are safe. It's a freaking police state, especially in the Portland area. They'll write you $350 tickets all day long, but have a police emergency because of the white-punk, Mexican gangs or some other group screwing with you, "sorry, no law enforcement immediately available for that." You better drive 10-15 mph under the speed limit, or you may find yourself facing a suspension and rather quickly.
11. You can always visit Seattle. Check, lots of things to do up there, but, you see, we hate Seattle. We hate everything not Oregon. We pride ourselves on not being Seattle, SF or Los Angeles. Left to your volition, the Willamette Valley would be paved, and we'd be no different than L.A. Yeah, right, dude! Of course you need about 16 million people wanting to live here first. Last I counted, the Portland metro area had 1.9 million, not including Salem. Yep, you are on your way to a metropolis. Oh boy, I can hardly wait.
If you think North Korea is a Hermit Kingdom, you haven't seen Oregon. The only difference between the two is that at least you can leave Oregon whenever you want to. Of course, the State is working on a plan to put a GPS tracking device in every car in Oregon. Why? Not enough gas taxes, and these fuel-efficient cars are driving us nuts. WE NEED MORE MONEY. So we will tax you by the mile, but "we promise not to track where you are driving or when." Really, we promise. Yeah, right dude.
Oregon is hard living, man.