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6 definitions by Jack Krabitz

 
1.
An alternative for bitch. Birch is commonly used to bypass internet filters. It is also used to call someone a bitch without the associated negative connotations; a more light-hearted approach.
"Well don't get mad at me, birch! You could have answered your own question if you searched first."

"My girl has been birching at me since she got home. I don't know what the deal is, but the birch needs to settle down."
by Jack Krabitz January 02, 2007
 
2.
Before a relationship is committed (which is often different from consummated, depending on your morals, values, and comfort level), the title for the main person in your life is ‘Sheriff’. To have a ‘Sheriff’, one does not need a ‘Deputy’ or ‘Deputies’, though that could be considered acceptable given the only slight significance of the title over a ‘friend’ status. ‘Shooting the sheriff’ is effectively the same as breaking up, but since the relationship was not elevated to boyfriend/girlfriend there is no semantic modification of the terms of said relationship.
Tom: “Dude, weaksauce, I shot the sheriff.”
Brian: “Liquid lamecake, Broseph! You should grab some Boddingtons and we’ll throw down on some Dr. Mario.”
by Jack Krabitz August 05, 2007
 
3.
“Fishturds” are a precipitate (created from supersaturation and not a chemical reaction) commonly found in bottled beverages that have been given time to settle. They are mainly composed of sugar and food dye. Just like snowflakes, no two fishturds are alike and they often appear as small clumps of green-brown nast (hence their name). As the beverage bottle is gently shaken, the fishturd muck at the bottom will start to float about in a similar fashion to silt in a pond. The removal of fishturds, and the consequent remedy of the ugly appearance of the drink, is easy; simply shake the bottle. Persons afflicted with Parkinson’s may never know their drink had once contained the sugar clots. Additionally, persons known to have seizures may be asked to hold their friend’s Sobe before it is opened, providing a suitable cover can be installed over the drink to prevent it from shattering and inflicting further injury upon the involuntarily break-dancing friend.
Ben: Goddamnit, my Sobe has fishturds in it. I'm not drinking this crap!
Torres: Man, you don't spend enough time out on the road! It's just sugar and junk. Shake it and you'll be fine.
by Jack Krabitz March 22, 2007
 
4.
Kermitcausts predominantly occur during the rainy season of a mild to mediumly trafficked area where an unelevated road either traverses or circumvents a low-lying or wetland region. Since frogs make these lands their home, they will often try to cross the road and get proper fucked by passing cars. The roads will become littered with the carcasses of squashed frogs and makes for a horridly morbid site that only the most schadenfreuded of death stroodlers can stomach. Areas with roads that have heavy traffic or flood walls are not particularly prone to kermitcaust events. Kermitcaust is similar to kermicide, but happens on a larger and less ‘personal’ scale. This phenomenon is not unlike the death march that worms take across roads and sidewalks during the rain.
“Don’t take the entrance to my neighborhood that goes through the trees; it’s a kermitcaust out there!”

“Do you remember the last time we drove back from your parent’s house??!? That kermitcaust lasted for miles! One got stuck in the grill, and the skins of five toads were glued to my inner-fender wall! I'm taking a different route home this time.”
by Jack Krabitz March 13, 2007
 
5.
/noun/ (fîsh-tûrds)

“Fishturds” are a precipitate (created from supersaturation and not a chemical reaction) commonly found in bottled beverages that have been given time to settle. They are mainly composed of sugar and food dye. Just like snowflakes, no two fishturds are alike and they often appear as small clumps of green-brown nast (hence their name). As the beverage bottle is gently shaken, the fishturd muck at the bottom will start to float about in a similar fashion to silt in a pond. The removal of fishturds, and the consequent remedy of the ugly appearance of the drink, is easy; simply shake the bottle. Persons afflicted with Parkinson’s may never know their drink had once contained the sugar clots. Additionally, persons known to have seizures may be asked to hold their friend’s Sobe before it’s open, providing a suitable cover can be installed over the drink to prevent it from shattering and inflicting further injury upon the involuntarily break-dancing friend.
Ben: Goddamnit, my Sobe has fishturds in it. I'm not drinking this crap!
Torres: Man, you don't spend enough time out on the road! It's just sugar and junk. Shake it and you'll be fine.
by Jack Krabitz March 13, 2007
 
6.
Kermitcausts predominantly occur during the rainy season of a mild to mediumly trafficked area where an unelevated road either traverses or circumvents a low lying or wetland region. Since frogs make these lands their home, they will often try to cross the road and get proper fucked by passing cars. The roads will become littered with the carcasses of squashed frogs and makes for a horridly morbid site that only the most schadenfreuded of death stroodlers can stomach. Areas with roads that have heavy traffic or flood walls are not particularly prone to kermitcaust events. Kermitcaust is similar to kermicide, but happens on a larger and less ‘personal’ scale.
“Don’t take the entrance to my neighborhood that goes through the trees; it’s a kermitcaust out there!”

“Remember when we drove back from your parent’s house? That kermitcaust lasted for miles! One got stuck in the grill, and the skins of five toads were glued to my inner-fender wall!”
by Jack Krabitz February 06, 2007