Slower than shit
A seemingly never ending period of extreme discomfort or boredom.
As opposed to a period of time that is simply extensive, "slow as a hard shit," embodies those agonizingly long stays on the loo, white knuckled on the handicapped bar, when you walk away bow legged and with broken blood vessels in the eyes.
2: Hey Cit-1, you see that movie online last night?
Citizen 1: Nah man... my connection was slow as a hard shit. The movie would only load a few percent at a time... I know all too well how long those endeavors take!Stoner
3: Dude maan.... holy shit.. 2, you see 1 takin' this bong rip
Stoner 2: He's slow as a hard shit, but damn mann... this shit is historical
Stoner 1: ::smiles lazily and slumps back in his chair, with his rumbling stomach being the only sign of life::