When a stranger approaches you for no apparent reason and almost immediately tells you their life story. Public transport, bars and queues are the most popular places for the 5 Minute Mate to be found. Often they will start with a casual comment relevant to the situation and progress very quickly leading to you knowing everything that ever happened to them in their life in 5 minutes. They'll walk away leaving you tired and confused but safe in the knowledge you just made another 5 Minute Mate.
"Oh my this bank queue doesn't seem to be getting any shorter."
Me: "I know, terrible isn't it..."
"I remember once being in a queue for an hour just to pay in a cheque and then I was late for a doctors appointment to see whether the mole on my back was malignant or not. Turns out it wasn't but actually on the same day I found out I had a VD, I just mentioned a pain when I was urinating, you know a passing comment...of course I confronted my wife. She denied it. I was hoping she had changed her ways but she'd been shagging the Insurance guy. Last time it was the man who fitted the cable. It's funny you know, I used to sell insurance. Now I sell carpet cleaners...anyway no cancer but I ended up at the VD clinic and divorced. She got the dog, I was upset but I was always a little allergic to the hairs. I have a cat now. Called him Byron after my twin brother who died when I was 7....." and so it goes on for 3 more minutes.
The 5 Minute Mate.
When you just can't manage a full spoon of cum. You've wanked that much that your cum is present but almost ghostlike in substance.
"Tom wanked that much in the car on the way home that eventually he only managed a Dust Cum.."
"I came but I don't know where it went....."
"That's what you call Dust Cum Tom."
On the job all night, she bled your snake dry and even when you came in her eye it was just Dust Cum....
When, after eating sweetcorn, you turn and check the turd in the bowl and see that it has sweetcorn spotted in the shit. It's long and quite thick and looks just like a Giraffe's Neck.
"Wow! Check out my turd Angelique - it looks just like a Giraffe's Neck!"
...."Did you have tuna and sweetcorn today Francois?"
When an older woman loses all shape and her breasts drop to her waist and her arse disappears into her legs (fly arse) She must have the pensioner hunch on her back to qualify fully to be a Grandma Body. She can't do a lot like bending over or walking properly due to the mis-placed gravity around her sagging appendages.
"Ask her to touch her toes..."
"She can't. She has a Grandma Body..."
"Hey! Stand up straight when I'm talking to you"
"She can't. She has a Grandma Body."
The art of female masturbation.
Victoria had come home from work to find the bed soaking.
"Mary, have you been weaving your own yoghurt again?"