12 definitions by Doctor Phew

Top Definition
Like masturbation, only dirtier. Mainly performed by: 1) Men of any age fantasizing about having sex (usually) with someone famous or someone who wouldn't have real sex with them in a million years. 2) What your mother does to men to feed her drug habbit. 3) A perfectly normal act ensuring your mother has to look at weird stains on your underwear and sheets. 4) An act usually performed whilst lying on a single bed with your eyes tight shut. 5) Something you do when bored. 6) An act that makes you believe you're the best lover in the world....or you will be when you start having sex for real. 7) Something that old guy down the road made you do to him for a bag of sweets. 8) Something every male does, but no-one admits to it. 9) An act that usually ends with the participant saying, "YES!" or "EWWW!" depending on the angle of the penis. 10) What you're doing right now as you read these definitions of wanking...
"I refute all allegations that I was out of order. Wanking at a funeral is perfectly normal"

"Sorry for waking you up mummy, but I've discovered this new thing called 'wanking' and I wanted to show you what happens at the end. Shall I get you a tissue?"
by Doctor Phew August 14, 2011
Commonly known as "sticking it up the wrong one". Anal Sex is something most of us claim to perform on our girlfriends/wives but nearly all of us never do.

Anal Sex is....

1) Something your mother is good at.
2) Dirty. That's why it's so good.
3) Something you'd gladly tell your friends you've done, but your girlfriend or wife would never tell a living soul.
4) What makes us all feel like porn stars.
5) Something your girlfriend or wife finds painful even if you have a small penis.
6) Something that requires a LOT OF LUBE.
7) Something that requires a condom. Unless you want what your wife or girlfriend had for their breakfast the day before on the end of your penis.
8) Smelly. See #2
9) Gives you entertainment afterwards by watching your girlfriend or wife's anus close.
10) Something that makes you erect just thinking about. Just like 99% of the men are just now reading this.
"Hi Mom and dad! This is Mysti and she's really into Anal Sex"

"Sorry I'm late, my darling. I went to see your mother and ended up having anal sex with her"

"Hello? I'm sorry, I can't come into work today. I had anal sex last night for the first time and I'm finding it hard to sit down"
by Doctor Phew August 14, 2011
Three different definitions that are all sexually connected: 1) Your father, 2) What a great (male) lover demands his bitch call him, 3) The object of many little girls' desire.
"When daddy crept into my room late at night and said I needed to be punished, he really did show me who my daddy was! God, my daddy makes me horny!!"
by Doctor Phew August 14, 2011
Mother I'd Like To Fuck. Also known as ILTFMM (I'd like to fuck my mother).

A MILF is someone who....

1) Makes your penis erect when you know she shouldn't.
2) Spoils friendships. Telling your best friend you'd like to fuck their mother will only cause arguments.
3) Brings a father and son together. You can both talk about how much you'd like to have sex with the woman in question.
4) Makes you start masturbating, or, makes you masturbate even more
5) If she ignores you, you start having rape fantasies.
6) Makes you start looking at your own mother in a new light.
7) You hope is a pedophile or into the "younger kid" depending on age
8) Is to blame for you exposing yourself to her, being beat up by her, her husband AND your friend.....plus being arrested by the police.
9) Makes you go with the neighbourhood slut just to fantasise it's the MILF you're having sex with.
10) Turns you into a criminal, and you find yourself breaking into her house and discovering a new pastime called "panty sniffing".
"I'm sorry your mom died. I'm going to really miss her. Expecially with her being a MILF"

"Mom, I'm sorry I slipped my hands between your legs when you were asleep. But I'm so in love with a MILF, I needed to touch your vagina and pretend it's hers"
by Doctor Phew August 14, 2011
Another name for sperm. Now, the only name for sperm. "Cum" is....

1) Why your mom's breath smells funny.

2) Watery and a bit grey-ish at times. Unless you're a porn star then it's brilliantly white and thick like premium yoghurt (and they shoot buckets opposed to your dribbles)
3) What your wife/girlfriend refuses to swallow.
4) What your wife/girlfriend refuses to have in their mouth.
5) What some men love to swallow
6) What most men fantasize about depositing in their wife's/girlfriend's ass
7) What gives your underwear that "yellow" stain
8) What ejaculated out of your penis when your (insert a family member) taught you how to masturbate all those years ago
9) What made your sister cry...and why she had to go "away" for several months
10) That bodily fluid you have on hour laptop after reading these definitions
"I hate to ask you this, since I don't really know you, but do I have a chance of ejaculating some cum into your mouth?"

"Mummy, what is "cum" and why did you scream at the man next door to "shoot his cum into your mouth"?

"Of course my darling, shoot your cum into my mouth. I know the taste is disgusting and it makes me vomit, but I love you sooooo much to refuse"
by Doctor Phew August 14, 2011
Pubic hair on a woman. Relates to the surrounding vaginal area on a woman who is:

1) Unaware that pubic hair is now a crime punishable by death
2) Thinks it's attractive to have hair bursting out at the sides of her underwear (aka spider legs escaping the nest)
3) Unclean and enjoys the smell of the odour of her vaginal fluid and other bodily fluids seeping onto her pubes
4) Something you see on a woman in pre-1990s porn
"I love washing my face in your muff"

"I thought you were wearing black skimpy panties until I realised it's your muff"
by Doctor Phew August 14, 2011
A word for a woman who loves sex so much, she's decided to make it her full time occupation. A "whore" is probably what your mother was before she married your dad. Single mothers are most definitely "whores" too. The word "whore" comes from Olde English meaning, "a woman who likes a lot of cock". A "whore" is what your wife or girlfriend wishes she was because of your inability to satisfy her in bed.
"Hi Mom and dad! I want you to meet my new girlfriend, Mysti. She's a whore!"

"I'm sorry to hear about the death of your mother, but lets be honest, she was a bit of a whore"
by Doctor Phew August 14, 2011

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