THE XX-MANAFESTO IS THE SINGLE MOST GREATEST BOOK EVER TO COME OUT OF GOLDMAN UNION CAMP INSTITUTE. IT COMSISTS OF A POOR SOUL(S) WHO GOT SCREWED BY THE FEMALE. THE XX-MANAFESTO IS A WARNING TO ALL MEN THAT MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM HELL. HERE NOW IS THE XX-MANAFESTO...
Men are from Mars, Women are from Hell
The XX Manifesto
1. Any of three females will set out on a mischievous task after meeting you. The tasks make you fall in love helplessly with them. It’s all a game.
2. Given the opportunity, a female will not hesitate to turn into a weasel in a shameful attempt to cover her own follies.
4. In the event that your best friends meet your new-found “goddess”, beware. For she will promptly transform into the puppeteer, making your friends mindless drones functioning solely based on libido. (See #16-The Grand Inquisitor)
5. A female will rarely present a statement free of bias. Opinion will always creep into her explanation of everything.
7. Put in a new situation (i.e. camp) in which other friends have been involved for several years, the “newbie bitch” will immediately assume she has the right to annihilate any and all bonds previously created.
8. Shortly thereafter, said “newbie bitch” will deface male property under the false pretense of superior ownership.
9. In the event that you become warped into a scapegoat, the female’s once affectionate family will lose any and all respect, care, and compassion towards you.
10. When you get romantically involved with an “innocent lamb,” she will turn into a vicious Tasmanian devil that will devour all of your friends.
12. Once the female becomes sexually intimate with the “weak link” all pride resulting from previous encounters is instantly nullified.
13. At social engagements when the female is around new company, prepare for the worst. She will heartlessly and cruelly use her “innocence” as a tool to further distance you from fading comrades.
14. The female deceives through usefully speaking euphemisms such as “I love you” and “you will be my best friend if…” Consequently, you are helpless and your actions are beyond your own consciousness.
15. Hypocrisy: Male-dependant feminism.
16. In the event the bitch corners you and your friends, she will stop at nothing to obtain any information she deems useful and/or entertaining. In this state, the bitch can be commonly referred to as “The Grand Inquisitor.”
17. Corruption of innocence is in the eye of the beholder.
18. When a female says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” the translation is, “It’s all your fault, I am perfect and benevolent.”
19. When unsure about the status of a relationship once called “friends with benefits,” you are “an item,” bound to your feminine taskmaster. There is no escape from the short end of the stick.
20. When armed with the knowledge of an annoyance, she will transform into a shark on the trail of blood, increasing the action by a factor of five at least.
21. Confidentiality does not exist.
22. From the red lips of a woman, “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again,” means, “Fuck you. I still want you as my puppet. I’ll do it again if I want to.”
23. If the female knows that she has committed a heinous act, she will indefinitely perform a transaction of blame from her shoulders to yours.
24. Females claim that size doesn’t matter. The discouraging truth is that it does.
25. Often times, extremely hot girls will hook up with unanimously ugly guys. Claiming she “Likes them for their personalities,” she is actually performing said acts in an attempt to falsely retain the perception of not being superficial.
26. When cornered into a situation in which the female has no other party to blame, she will instantly use her menstrual cycle as the “patsy.” Such an act can be referred to as P.M.S.: Pussy-Minded Scapegoating.
27. In response to the age-old question, “Who is prettier?” there is no correct answer. You will get a kick in the nads either way.
28. The choice between “friends with benefits” and “going out” is no choice at all. She will plague you with her jealousy no matter what you choose.
29. Guilt is a useful tool in the intricate arsenal of the female’s sadistic mind. The female will use said “instrument of doom” to coax and coerce you into buying/doing things for her. 30. Girls don't masturbate…bull-fucking shit!!!
31. Girls will never attend a cinematic production of the male's choosing, yet they fully expect you, the payer of the date, to sit through three grueling hours of chick flicks.
32. Females constantly flaunt their sexuality via lavishly revealing, enticing, and/or tight clothes. They, however, abhor the fact that the prone male takes notice.
33. Females claim to have equal rights. They take this equality to such extremes that they themselves become "equaler" then the male gender.
34. Women claim that all men are chauvinist pigs, however that is…oh wait, we are writing this manifesto. There are others out there (somewhere…) who do not share in out beliefs.
35. Women often say that they are the sole reason for life on Earth…They are only ½. The male seed is also necessary to play the glorious role of creating life.
36. Females often complain about the no-doubt agonizing process of childbirth. They haven't, however, been exposed to the excruciating pain of being struck in the testicles. Suck it up bitches.
37. Women suck fucking shit.
38. If Dr. Phil thinks that men are so incredibly evil, let's cut his fucking dick off.
39. Once you have plummeted into the horrific torture cell that is marriage, your "equal partner" will be in a perpetual state of paranoia based on the false assumption of infidelity.
40. Many women exist as "cock teases." They suck balls, but they don't suck balls, which totally sucks balls.
41. When pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship, proceed with caution. The female will expect, or rather demand, that you spend every waking moment at her feet.
42. To gain your attention and affection, the female will often boast of previous sexual conquests in an attempt to seize the interest of the vulnerable male (i.e. you.)
43. Homosexuality is attractive to women. However, when you specifically attempt to get in touch with your feminine side, they find it strange and unusual. Shortly thereafter, they will cease all contact with you.
44. When a male puts his hand down his pants to touché himself, the female finds it to be grotesquely repulsive. There is no rhyme or reason to this point. It is a fundamental law.
45. The "magic wand" that opens the door to a female's sex drive is a guitar.
46. If a female is holding a grudge against you for any reason, she will disregard all manners and proper etiquette and flat out reject a gift offered by your seriously sorry self.
47. Should a male and female be involved in a disagreement, the female's entourage will prevent any attempt at apology by butting in and sassily screaming, "She doesn't want to talk to you…GO SIT DOWN!!!"
48. Guy: "I need more space for a while"
Females reaction: "I don't care if I'm getting on your nerves, I'm going to hang out with you more."
49. Baruch shelo esani isha
Translation: Blessed are you who didn't make me a woman.
50. In retrospect, we have come to discover that the female is a sadistic being sent to ruin our lives. Using the 49 articles previously outlined, women will deceive and control the male mind. The only prevention to this unfair tragedy is ceasing all contact with women. Because this is impossible, we wish you the best of luck in your hopeless quest to meet the "perfect woman."
The end bitches!!!
The XX-MANAFESTO is god.
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