A person who, after at least three years of intense, post-graduate studies, must pass a very difficult proficiency exam (the bar exam) in most states in order to do someting as simple as defend a person against a DWI charge. Of course, this moron that is charged with the DWI is probably the same person who wrote the definition of attorney as "assmonkey," because this human stain has no idea (and only subscribes to juvenile/comedic groupthink) what most attorneys go through to be zealous advocates of their clients.
Naturally, there are bad attorneys, just as all priests don't molest little boys. There are mechanisms in place to ensure that even attorneys accused of misconduct are given the same fair tribunal that everyone else is entitled to before being suspended or disbarred.
Attorneys are some of the most powerful people in the nation: they can defend citizens to prevent them losing their property, liberty, and even their very lives. Some of the more prominent attorneys in the United States were its founding fathers. Others fought for the emancipation of slaves, voting rights for women and minorities, desegregation of public schools and facilities, and the very freedom to call them assmonkeys. Before opening your ignorant mouth in the future and engaging in a "lawyer joke," consider where the nation would be without them. For better or worse, we would not be a civilized society without them.
This definition applies primarily to United States attorneys, and not so much to my learned brethren across the pond, namely barristers and solicitors.
John: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?"
Jeff: "I don't know."
John: "One is a bottom-feeder, and the other is a catfish."
Jeff: "You are an ignorant idiot worthy of my wrath, but before I unleash it, go to www.urbandictionary.com and educate yourself on what attorneys really are, fucktard."