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8 definitions by Bertoffski

 
1.
Vampires are characterized by the following attributes:

1. They are undead, meaning that they have died, but risen again as creatures with tremendous strength, but also a weakness to various things, including garlic, sunlight, and crucifixes.
2. They are consistently extremely malicious, and seek out humans for one or more of the following purposes: to kill and eat, to use as cattle that they consistently drain small amounts of blood from, and/or to turn into more vampires.
3. A vampire has no conscience. Vampires may recognize people that they knew while alive, but they have no emotional response associated with this recognition, other than bloodlust.

Also, some kids dress up as vampires and refer to themselves as "vampires..." but actually they are just human high schoolers with too little homework.
TWILIGHT FAN: Edward Cullen is a vampire.

DRACULA FAN: No. No, he isn't.


TWILIGHT FAN: Shut up! What do you know?! You were born in the late 1800s!

DRACULA FAN: This is true.
by Bertoffski April 01, 2009
 
2.
1. The primary objective of the Civil War, both World Wars, and the Cold War. To this date, has been neither achieved nor even discovered by anyone. Virtually all little kids playing army man are somehow involved in a mission to find a Russian, whether they know it or not.

2. A guy who will become your archenemy for life if he decides that you annoy him. Most likely to hunt you down and kill you within five years of your initial offense.

3. Someone who appears to be Irish or Dutch until he or she begins to speak with a Russian accent.
1. "Ana Ng and I are getting old and we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence/ Listen, Ana, hear my words; they're the ones you would think I would say if you weren't so hard to get" -tmbg

2. ASIAN PERSON: omg i like sudoku!!!1

RUSSIAN PERSON: Oh my god. Your grammar is horrible, yet you're STILL a nerd. I swear to god, I'll kill you before the sun sets.

ASIAN PERSON: lol

3. WHITE KID: I think those Irish twins just walked by. They creep me out so much.

RUSSIAN GIRL: Da?

WHITE KID: ...Those Russian twins creep me out so much. I swear, they can communicate telepathically.
by Bertoffski January 01, 2008
 
3.
1. One who is intelligent, but has not yet come to realize that exercise is vital to mental health.

2. One who is intelligent, but has not yet come to realize that friends are vital to mental health.
1. NERD: Hahahahha, i will take u over

NORMAL GUY: well ur a wimp

NERD: hahahah it's not always the strongest who wins hahaha

NORMAL GUY: actually i read this article of newsweek that said that exercise makes you smarter

NERD: ...

2. NERD: Hahahhaa the world will be mine!!!

COOL KID: Uh... friends?

NERD: Stfu! Did Hitler need friends??

COOL KID: Yeah. Most historians agree that the main factor in Hitler's success was his choice to surround himself with highly influential people who helped him control the minds of the German people.

NERD: ...
by Bertoffski January 08, 2008
 
4.
1. A feeling of superiority that white people have over black people.

2. When nerdy white people believe that Asian people are superior to white people.

3. A feeling of superiority that Indians have over other races, especially white people, who are total nerds and can't do math.

4. A feeling of hatred that politically correct minorities harbor for white people.
1. Because of racism in America, some white people think that black people can't get into high culture because they don't comprehend it. In truth, black people just don't bother with high culture, because they believe in bros before hoes.

2. WHITE NERD: Asian people rock! I love Anime! Sudoku is the best!

NORMAL WHITE KID: Anime is so pointless.

WHITE NERD: Shut up! You're just ignorant because you're white!

NORMAL WHITE KID: That's racist.

3. Rohit, though incredibly sexy, harbors a deep racism for all whites, Mexicans, and Asians in the whole entire world. Well, mostly just whites. He will crush them between his thighs of steel.

4. MEXICAN LADY: Every morning, I look in the mirror and say to myself, "I am Latino, and I am proud!" Do you look at YOURselves in the mirror and tell yourselves you're white?? Huh?!!"

STUDENT: No, because I'm not racist like you.
by Bertoffski January 02, 2008
 
5.
1. A very healthy person with a well-balanced diet, plenty of sensory interaction the surrounding environment, muscular facial features and very furry eyebrows.

2. Any character on the television show "Sesame Street."

3. One who speaks one's opinions extremely loudly, is easily converted to feminism and similar ideals, and is suspected of doing drugs by thighmaster authority figures.

4. An amazingly sexy boy with irresistible, uber-manly stubble who still can't clear a height of 5'3".
1. I'm straight, but I'm still attracted to Italian boys. They're just so juicy and luscious. I want one in my room.

2. BERT: Hey, Ernie. Are you feeling Italian today?

ERNIE: You bet I am, Bert, That's why I'm so adorable and fuzzy, and why my voice sounds all silly and squeaky.

BERT: Shut up and kiss me.

3. Jordan is Italian. He can solve one face of a Rubix cube. He wears a hoodie. Mr. Adair does not trust him. Jordan once accidentally converted himself to feminism while giving a powerpoint on medieval gender roles. I know of at least three other Italian feminists, and I plan to become one when I grow up.

4. That Italian person is so hot. I wish he and I were a gay couple, and he played the man. Too bad he's two feet shorter than me.
by Bertoffski January 01, 2008
 
6.
1. A social mechanism introduced by the government into early colonial American culture for three reasons: first, to give the British farmers a means to get farm work done without doing it themselves or forcing their Irish servants to do it; second, to keep their Irish servants in line by intimidating them with superior size and strength; and third, to entertain their British women with superior size and strength.

2. One who is very concrete-thinking and intelligent, but who lacks the motivation to reach upper management levels due to adherence to "bros before hoes" or some similar ideal. In this case, rich white men would be considered "hoes."

3. Still a source of entertainment for British women in modern America.
1. When the early slave trade introduced the black person to America, everyone was happier for it, except the black people and the Irish. So, basically just the Brits, Germans, and Dutch.

2. COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY: Would you care to see the pamphlet for our prestigious college? We offer a wide variety of sports and other social activities, such as lacrosse, chess club, Socratic seminar, sudoku club, and-

BLACK PERSON: No way. I'm a firm believer in bros before hoes.

3. SARAH: ...and let's not forget, West Africans are huge. Their bodies are freaking gigantic, alright?
by Bertoffski January 01, 2008
 
7.
1. A descendant of one of the tribes who lived in America before the Europeans arrived. It considered politically incorrect to call Native Americans "Indians," partly because when Christopher Columbus forgot his ADD medication and somehow thought America was India, he was wrong; and partly because it is considered offensive to real Indians to call Native Americans "Indians."

2. An Irishman who sailed to Japan, lived on soybeans until his thyroid was ruined, sailed back to Ireland, got kicked out for having a horrible voice, sailed back to Japan, got kicked out for having horrible math skills, then noticed the giant continents of North and South America and decided to live on them and have children with Eskimos and/or Mexicans.

3. A highly ghetto group of people living on reservations. They know every button combination in street fighter, every playing stat of their favorite basketball heroes, and a bunch of life's rules, such as "bros before hoes."
1. Christopher Columbus once sailed west from Portugal, hoping to find India and all its beautiful women. Instead, he found a bunch of Native American kids hanging around a basketball court, playing gameboys and drinking soda. "I'm going to pretend this never happened," he told himself, and sailed back to Portugal to tell his Portuguese friends that he had been to India.

2. WHITE KID: That Native American storyteller sounds like he has a hole in his throat.

OTHER WHITE KID: That's because he's Asian. Duh.

WHITE KID: Oh. Wait, so why is that one other Native American kid at the same level in math as me?

OTHER WHITE KID: Because he's Irish. Duh.
by Bertoffski January 02, 2008